Horror movie in my head

I wake up at least ten times every night covered in sweat, barely awake long enough to know, that the cruel reality I just escaped was just a horrible nightmare.

Then I fall back asleep, and usually the previous dream continues from where I awoke. Not missing a second of the horrific events. Almost like pressing the pause button on the remote. Awful. 

I cannot escape the nightmares. These nightmares are not those with monsters and blood every where. These are realistic. 

Car crashes with me in the drivers seat and my friends in the back. 

Being humiliated at school. Getting in fights

Standing in a bar and being verbally attacked by someone you think you might know from somewhere.

Having horrible red itching rashes everywhere, that everyone notices.

These things might not sound bad, but the unpleasant aura and the general horror-like mood in the dream makes it bad. Actually feeling the pain as if it was real.. Very real. Screaming from the pain but no sound is to be heard and suddenly... I can't breathe. So I suffocate.

Lay me down

It's over, I quit.

I'm about as lifeless as it gets

It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.

I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.

Why can't somebody else take my place.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.

I've written letters to the ones

I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.

I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew

Something I always thought I couldn't do.

But you don't know anything

That makes me feel life

Except making you bleed five times,

In one night.

You know you deserved it.

Fuckingshitfuckcrapshitfuckhelpcrapshitfuckfuckingfuck

I have so many things going through my head. I don't know how to get them out. Most of them are so dark, that I can't tell anyone. It's like.. I'd scare people. I do not wish to scare people, so I just keep all this shit to myself. It's either that, or worrying people, and I don't wanna be a burden.
I feel like. Theres only one person in the world who truly understands, and I can't be with her. She's busy and so far away.. And I feel like I'm dying without her. I hate this.
I'm useless. I can't do anything right. I'm gonna get kicked out of school soon, so I won't even have achieved anything during these three years of struggle. I just can't take it anymore!!

Pain

I've been listening to the same song over and over trying to figure out what is really going on in my mind. I have no idea what to think. The thing is.. I know how I feel, but I'm not sure I can allow myself to feel it. You see, feeling stuff usually leads to suffering, pain or regret. I don't regret. I don't regret a single thing. Not a single thing I've said, done or any of the millions of tears I've cried over this. Was I really that unimportant to you?
It's just.. Loss? It can really rip your soul apart. I really thought that the word "forever" meant something. Something real.. Didn't it? You know, I hate being wrong. It's just not my thing. I'm stubborn and I hate admitting I was wrong.
I've considered driving those extra miles, whenever I was around south. Every time the thought would cross my mind. But I didn't do it. Because I can't predict the reaction I'd get.
I... I don't know what to say.. I wish you would just be the one talking. So I could know what you're thinking.
Just.. anything I guess

I know, I know..

Will I ever get over losing you? I know what people think, but that doesn't change how I feel.. Normally I'm pretty fast to get over relationships, but this time it takes longer than ever. Maybe it's because the start wasn't even over before the end. Was it that there was no real ending, but just a goodbye? Maybe because I never wanted it to end.. Why does everything wonderful have to come to an end..?

Letter Challenge Day 11

A letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Dear Lisbeth
It's so unfair.. Your death was tough. You're the mother of my best friend, and you died before the age of 40. You died from cancer. A form of cancer that all young girls are being offered a vaccine against today. I've been vaccinated. So have your daughters.
I'm writing this letter to you, to let you know that you're really missed. Not only by the three children you left behind. Also by your husband and your friends.

My mum and you were dear friends. Your husband has moved on now. About time. It took years for him to get over the loss of his beloved wife, and mother of his children. He's got a girlfriend now. She's a good person, cause she knows and accepted that you were, and always will be the love of his life. She's nice. But now the deal isn't about your husband. It's more about Trine. Your oldest daughter. She really misses you. She has gone through some really tough times, and she has really been in the need of a mother. Last time I got to feel her pain of missing you so bad, was a night where she was sad. Very sad. She cried in my bed while looking at a picture of you. She really needs you at certain points.

I can't imagine going through the tough times of teenage without a mother. My mother has been a very important factor for me while being a fragile teenager. It scares me to think that Trine, my dearest friend had to go through that. But Trine is strong. Very strong. You have to be one hell of a hardass to do that! That's worth honoring.
So Lisbeth.. You've got some tough children. You did good. Really good.

Loving memories
Kiri Rehmeier

Poem

Leaking eyes

Hey, it's okay - The show is still on,
And it'll start again at the break of dawn.
Happiness seems so unachievable,
But from now on I am invulnerable.
It's a battlefield out there - and this is war,
But it's all right, I've got unbreakable armor.
Protecting myself the best I've learned,
Despite the bridges that I have burned.
But behind this shiny helmed hides,
My swollen red leaking eyes.

Who's a friend and who's the enemy?
While we wander around dreadfully.
Hiding in the shadow of faking smiles,
Trust nobody! It's all cheat and lies.
We must be strong - we have to fight,
Though it's hard at 3 o'clock in the night.
We must struggle and overcome this trial,
But the truth is we remain in this denial.
But at this point I cannot compromise,
For my hollow dead leaking eyes.

Truth be told; No one's gonna suffer for you,
Nor will anybody see your flaws through.
Honestly spoken we are all little loners,
Independent souls without any owners.
Tell the world that I can cope alone,
'Cause I can survive all on my own.
At times it is hard to face another dawn,
While wishing it would all just get gone.
Piece by piece my lonely heart dies,
And you can see it in my leaking eyes.

- © Kiri Rehmeier

Dear Judas

Fuck you...

Fuck you for not believing in us. Fuck you for not giving us a chance to blossom. Fuck you for not talking to me since you left me. Fuck you for leaving me. Fuck you for dumping me after two weeks. Fuck you for saying you loved me when you really didn't. Fuck you for not caring. Fuck you, I drove all the way to Aalborg Hospital because you got beaten up at the carnival. Fuck you because you wouldn't do the same for me. Fuck you for smoking weed while we were together. Fuck you for introducing me to your parents. Fuck you for leaving after you had met my parents, my sister and my brother in law's family. Fuck you for breaking up with me on a text in the middle of the night, when you knew I was sleeping! Fuck you for breaking up with me the day before an annual test. Fuck you, it's your fucking fault I only got 02 for that test. Fuck you for taking all of my focus that day.
Fuck you for asking me to return your key in the same message in which you broke up! Fuck you for giving me a key to your apartment in the first place. Fuck you for the fact that you would have let me drive right after returning your stupid key. Fuck you, if I hadn't stayed in the car you wouldn't have spoken any more to me.
Fuck you for the fact that it was so easy for you. Fuck you, I'm sure you haven't even been sad at all since you broke up. Fuck you for breaking up with me. Fuck you for making me feel worthless. Fuck you for making me feel unloved. Fuck you for all the teas I've cried for you. Fuck you for all the times I've been screaming in tears for you.
Fuck you for making me feel unbeautiful. Fuck you for making me feel awful. Fuck you for all the songs I've dedicated to you. Fuck you for being so missable. Fuck you for being so beautiful.
Fuck you for being such an ASSHOLE!!!
Fuck you for making me miserable. Fuck you for making me mad. Fuck you for making me sad. Fuck you for making me so sad, that I cried in the car - many times. Fuck you for making me cry so hard that I almost crashed with my car. Fuck you for all the times you've made me aggressive. Fuck you for all the lies.


Just.. FUCK YOU!!!

..

Life is shit. 'Noff said..

Even you don't know

Nobody knows this is for you..

But baby - how could you?
You hurt me so bad..
It still hurts to think of it
Still hurts to see you
Can't even look at your profile
It hurts my heart to see
You're with a girl that's not me


You will never know
I wrote this for you
'Cause it's clear that you don't care
Her perfect smile and green eyes
I cannot bare it baby!
You broke me into pieces
I couldn't believe you were gone
It was so hard for me to go on


You're in love, and I am not
I'm not in love with you but still
Still I wonder why you could 
Break my heart in half
And still seem like you're fine
Save me from my nightmares!
- Only you can do it, hun
'Cause baby.. This is no fun?


Will you ever look back and think
That what we had was good?
You really tattooed my body
More than any ink ever could
Do you see me baby -
See what you did to me?
But I am strong, I'll win this war
'Cause baby, you can't hurt me no more!




written at may 13th 2011
by © Kiri Rehmeier

Blå løgne

Jeg hader dig.

Jeg er nået til det punkt hvor jeg kan vende min ulykke til vrede. Det her har jeg ventet på!
Du render rundt og tror du kan få det hele, og du er ikke bange for at tage dine sleske triks i brug, for at få det du har sat næsen op efter. Du er typen der tager og tager uden at give noget tilbage - den slags mennesker pisser mig af. DU pisser mig af - du har så mange ansigter, og jeg var så dum at lade mig narre, af det mest falske ansigt du ejer. Jeg skammer mig, det er pinligt at vide, at jeg faldt for dine triks. At jeg bare var endnu en pige.
Nu skal jeg vise dig ligegyldighed. Nu skal jeg vise dig hvad det vil sige at være uden betydning. Ikke at det rører dig det fjerneste, men jeg vil bryde kontakten. Jeg har ikke brug for at se på dine mange ansigter. Jeg gider ikke se på dig, mens du spiller dine triks på dit næste offer. Jeg har set ansigterne før, så hvorfor blive hængende?

Til slut vil jeg bare sige, hav et godt liv.

Kiri Rehmeier

Do you know

Are you always gonna hurt me like this?

Will I ever get a chance to prove, that I could be good for you? It hurts to see you in my dreams every night - and day! Are you ever gonna tell me that you care? Will I always feel this way? I know it's stupid but sometimes I dream, that someday you'll change your mind.. That someday you'll realize that I'm what you really want - that all the nights with different girls was a waste of time, time you could have spent with me.
I know you can't change a man, and I don't want to change you, what I want is for you to know that you can change a habit. Or maybe, just maybe.. you would love me if I was flawless?
I've done all I thought you wanted, tried to be what I thought you wanted.. What is it that you want? All day I wonder what it is that you are searching for. Am I really that wrong? I want to ask you, if I could ever be what you wish for - but honestly I'm too scared.
Are you not getting my hints, or is it just because you don't care? Tell me, tell me how to make you care! Tell me what I'm doing wrong. I want to know... Though I know that the first thing you'd be saying after explaining would be "Why are you crying?"
A dream is not enough.. Sometimes they might seem realistic, but this is not a story followed by a happy ending. This is a story of a broken girl falling in love with a broken boy - she breaks even more, and he will never know...

E

- et lille digt skrevet den 12. april 2011


Det har taget lang tid at indse du ikke kommer tilbage,
hvorfor føler jeg at her er tomt uden dig?
Vi havde fede tider jeg har intet at beklage,
ud over det faktum at du røvrendte mig.

I starten var der gnister i dine øjne,
en ubeskrivelig rus hvor vi følte vi fløj.
Vi brændte for at mærke hinanden nøgne,
du fremstod sød men jeg vidste jo du løj.

Det er dyret inden i mig der styrer når jeg er med dig,
men når du ikke er her vil jeg bare mærke dine arme.
Jeg elsker når du rører, men jeg hader det du gør ved mig,
er jo godt klar over du aldrig kan give mig varme.

Alt det jeg elsker ved dig, hader jeg som pesten,

og jeg tænder på at du er alt for slem.

Du kan ikke beslutte dig, men jeg kan næsten,

men den leg vi kører er ikke spor nem.

Når musikken spiller ved jeg du er min,
men natten vil aldrig kunne vare evigt.
Når jeg er alene ønsker jeg at være din,
med lukkede øjne ser jeg kun dit ansigt.

Dit slørede blik indtager min krop og mit sind,
til mig taler dine blå øjne ingen sandhed.
Jeg kan ikke klare at være så pisse blind,
for når du kigger på mig ønsker jeg det ku' vare ved.

Lysten til at glemme dig forstærkes hver dag, 

du får ikke lov til at plage mig mere. 

Men når natten falder på er det en anden sag,

får i mørket bliver længslerne flere og flere.

Det er alt for fedt når jeg er på et af dine trip,

for jeg ved jo du er farlig min ven.

Det æder mit hjerte op hver gang jeg skal give slip, 

men imorgen gør jeg det igen! 

Lægger hovedet tilbage med flasken for min mund,

rusen mod fornuften - den er en sikker vinder.

Efter få øjeblikke ser jeg tydeligt flaskens bund,

jeg glemmer dig i nat, håber det aldrig forsvinder.

© Kiri Rehmeier

Blog challenge day 7

Meningen med mit blognavn

Ja, som jeg egentlig har skrevet før, så er meningen med mit blognavn jo, at alle folk brokker sig. Og det gør jeg også. I stor stil. Men fordi jeg har en svær depression, og en masse diverse problemer som størstedelen ikke har, så hedder min blog "some people have real problems". Egentlig er det efter et album med Sia, der laver fantastisk musik.

Men da jeg lavede min blog, vidste jeg at den ville blive meget om mine personlige problemer og dilemmaer - Deraf navnet.

Et ønske

.. om intet

Jeg ønsker intet. Jeg ønsker ikke at leve, jeg ønsker ikke at dø. Jeg ønsker ikke at være, men heller ikke at være væk. Egentlig kan man vel sige at jeg ikke ønsker at føle. Jeg ønsker at være i en sovende tilstand hvor jeg hverken er lykkelig eller ulykkelig. Hvert sekund æder ulykken mig op indefra. Den brænder, det svider og lader alt positivt gå op i flammer.

Det føles som om der er et helved i mit bryst, og det gør ondt. Suger alt energi ud af det gode. Som at smide en levende og blomstrende gren på et blå, for så at se livet forsvinde ud af den. Blive fortæret og kvalt af ilden.

Møgluder!

Kære Alexander

Nu vil jeg skrive en række citater fra en sang med Jokeren der hedder "Kvinde din". Disse citater er detikeret specielt til dig, og hvis du skulle få lyst til at høre hele sangen, så er den lige her.

- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8AX6H9y3A-I

" Hvordan fanden ku' du gøre det?

Du burde tage dit forgrædte næb og tørre det.

For hvad er det egentlig, du er så ked af?

Du tog mig og vendte tommelfingeren nedaf. "

" Jeg gav dig mit hjerte. Du sku' holde det,

bære ansvaret for den smerte, du ku' forvolde det.

For du var mere end en elsker; en ven

Så hvis du er færdig med det, så giv mig det igen.

Så kan jeg putte det tilbage under jernskjorten. "

".. det er svært at fatte, at det her er vores endeligt

men hvis det er, håber jeg du har det elendigt... "

".. For pludselig kan jeg se dine fejl og mangler

ikke en prinsesse, bare en ho ligesom alle andre. "

".. min kærlighed til dig er død ho, så glem den..."

"La' vær' at tro at vi kan blive chill igen

"og det må du finde, hvorend det var du ville hen

og jeg håber inderligt, du vil fortryde det

og hvis den tid kommer, så vil jeg nyde det.

Jeg står tilbage alene med et tomrum

jeg troede på os men var åbenbart godt dum.

Så jeg står op uden at slå min hjerne til

"jeg har noget i ryggen. Gider du fjerne det?"

" vi to, vi går hver vores vej

jeg er ikke færdig med kvinder, men jeg er færdig med dig.

Din fucking luder..."

Crossfade - Cold

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Hvis du tager dig tiden til at læse teksten,

så vil du nok opfange at alt det der står med kursiv,

er noget der passer på mig. Jo tak.

Looking back at me 
I see that I Never really got it right 
I never stopped to think of you 
I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win 
You are the antidote that gets me by 
Somethin' strong like a drug that gets me High 


What I really meant to say 
Is I'm sorry for the way I am 
I never meant to be so cold 
Never meant to be so cold 
What I really meant to say 
Is I'm sorry for the way I am 
I never meant to be so cold 
Never meant to be so 


Cold, to you, I'm sorry 'bout all the lies 
Maybe in a different light 
You can see me stand on my own again 
'Cause now I can see me 
You were the antidote that got me by 
Somethin' strong like a drug that got me High 


What I really meant to say 
Is I'm sorry for the way I am 
I never meant to be so cold Never meant to be so cold 
What I really meant to say 
Is I'm sorry for the way I am 
I never meant to be so cold 
Never meant to be so cold 
I never meant to be 
So cold 


I never really wanted you to see 
The screwed up side of me that I keep 
Locked inside of me so deep 
It always seems to get to me 
I never really wanted you to go 
So many things you should have known 
I guess for me there's just no hope 


I never meant to be so cold 
What I really meant to say (Say) 
Is I'm sorry for the way (Sorry for the way) 
I am (I am) 
I never meant to be so cold 
Never meant to be so cold 
What I really meant to say (Say) 
Is I'm sorry for the way (Sorry for the way) 
I am (I am) 
I never meant to be so cold 
Never meant to be so cold

Når tanken strejfer mig..

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Jeg har det frygteligt til tider. Der dukker billeder op i mit hoved, som jeg ville ønske bare var rent opspind.. Men det er desværre øjeblikke der er hendt i virkeligheden. Jeg har tilgivet, men jeg e ikke kommet videre. Jeg tænker på det hver dag, og jeg væmmes. Jeg får det dårligt, får rysteture, tudeudbrud og angst anfald. Ofte bryder jeg ud i vrede, og jeg råber og skriger, og smadre løs på ting. Jeg fortæller ikke det her til nogen. Ikke engang den person hvis skyld det er. Jeg må finde en måde at komme over det her...

Forsvar

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Ja. Nu har vi jo lige haft om Freud og hans æg i dansk. Æget består jo at 3 dele. Overjeg'et som er moraler, normer og regler og alt det der. Jeg'et som er personligheden, den vi er. Og id'et som er lyster, drifter og alt det der gør os dyriske.

Og så er der den 4. del, som ikke altid er med på tegningerne; Forsvarsmekanismen. Den der beskytter Jeg'et fra omverdenen, og i nogle tilfælde også ens drifter. Jeg tror forsvaret er større hos mig, end hos så mange andre.

Jeg har været meget igennem. Jeg har haft det meget svært. Jeg har nået at få rigtig meget modgang i mit kun 17 årige liv. Jeg beskytter mig selv. Meget. Min psykolog (koen) siger at det hindre mig i mange ting. Men sådan nogle kommentare, synes jeg er lige til at proppe op i røven. Der har vi endnu et forsvarstræk. Jeg opfatter hendes forsøg på at hjælpe mig, som et angreb på mit jeg. Mit forsvar er blevet en stor del af mit jeg, fordi det i en lang periode har været det eneste jeg har haft at læne mig op af. Jeg har været afhængig af det. Hvis jeg ikke havde kunnet støtte mig til mit forsvar, havde jeg ikke overlevet alle de prøvelser som mit liv har budt mig. Jeg har skulle fortrænge mange ting. Sige "fuck det", og prøve at gemme det væk, til mange ting. Der har været meget pres på mit jeg, fra omverdenen, hvor jeg har været nød til at falde tilbage på mit forsvar. Jeg er svær at trænge igennem til. Jeg har en hård skal af forsvar omkring mig. Jeg bruger det som beskyttelse. Jeg har brug for beskyttelse. Jeg føler mig aldrig tryg. Jeg har gået så længe og været utryg, og det forsvar jeg har, har været den eneste tryghed jeg har haft. Derfor kan jeg ikke give slip på det. Jeg tror aldrig jeg kommer til det. Det er for farligt for mig. Det skræmmer for meget. Derfor har det boret sig ind i mig, og er blevet en del af mit jeg. Når mit jeg siger: "jeg er bange for at de ikke kan lide mig.." svarer mit forsvar: "Fuck det, de må de fanme selvom, jeg er ligeglad". Jeg har været nød til at overbevise mig selv om at jeg var ligeglad, for ikke at bryde mig selv ned med alt det der fylder mit hoved. Ikke bare den tanke, men også tusindvis af andre. Jeg har været helt alene. Selvom jeg stod i et rum omringet af andre mennesker var jeg alene. Jeg har været usynlig. Været tilstede, men ingen så mig. Jeg var der ikke for dem. Jeg var ingenting. Og når andre fortæller én at man er ingenting, så begynder man at tro på det i længden. Jeg gik meget længe, og var ingenting. Troede jeg. Der er meget store dele af mit liv jeg helst vil glemme. Noglegange får jeg flashbacks. Jeg ser ting der er sket, og jeg skriger indeni, når billederne suser forbi mine øjne. Jeg er traumatiseret af de ting der er sket for mig tidligere. Jeg er ude af stand til at deltage i skoleidræts-relaterede ting. Så træder forsvaret ind og siger stop. Nej. Det gør du ikke. Og så kommer billederne igen. Smerten i brystet banker, mens det føles som om min rygsøjle er ved at krølle sig sammen, for at gøre mig mindre, ubemærket og usynlig.

At blive valgt sidst til holdet. Det kunne tage pusten fra mig da jeg var lille. Hver gang. Altid. Den var stensikker. At føle sig hadet. At holdkaptejnerne kan stå og skændes om hvem der skal døjes med at have mig på holdet, fordi den der oprindeligt skulle have mig, den sidste spiller, ikke vil have mig med på sit hold. Jeg forstod det aldrig. Jeg forstår det stadig ikke. Hvad er det ved mig? Hvad er det jeg har gjort for at fortjene det liv, jeg har haft?

Efter flere år, hvor du har fået advide at du er grim, dum og tyk. Ubrugelig? At du bare ikke er god nok! Undre det så nogen at jeg idag lider af depression. Undre det nogen at jeg har lidt af en meget slem spiseforstyrrelse gennem flere år. Det tror jeg sku ikke. Men det undre nogen at jeg ikke ser på livet som de gør. Jeg er tit blevet spurgt; "Hvordan kan du være deprimeret? Livet er smukt" .. for dig måske? Jeg siger ikke at andre ikke har, eller kan have haft det hårdt.

Dem der har været medvirkende til at mit liv har været så hårdt som det har. Ja, jeg hader mange. Men jeg ville aldrig ønske noget af det jeg har været igennem for nogle af dem. Selvom de har gjort mig så ondt, ville jeg aldrig ønske det for nogen. Ingen fortjener det pis.

Idag har jeg det bedre. I dag spiser jeg næsten altid normalt. Der er stadig dage indimellem hvor jeg intet spiser, men de dage betegner jeg bare som dårlige dage. Der er stadig dage hvor jeg kan sinde mig selv liggende på gulvet med tårer i øjnkrogen og et tomt blik. Der er stadig dage hvor alt ser sort ud. Jeg tager stadig antidepressiv medicin, og jeg er ikke sikker på om jeg nogensinde kommer til at stoppe på det. Men idag har jeg nogen som jeg ikke havde dengang. Jeg har folk der ser mig. Folk der bekymre sig, og folk der ikke er pisse ligeglade.

Men alt i alt foretrækker jeg stadig at fortrænge fortiden, og bare se fremad. Sådan er det nu nok også bedst.

Foxy