Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 2

"Something you feel strongly about"

LIFE

There are so many people out there feeling like life isn't worth living. I'm serious, SO many more than you'd think. And I know that, because I used to be one of these people. If you feel like that, read on and know that things can change. You can change. It took me years to change this, but holy fuck I'm glad I changed! When you feel this way, you don't see how things can change, how things can get better. But they can. You just have to change the way you think. The way you look at things, and judge! Change that! Stop judging.

Live now
Yesterday is in the past, and you can't change the past - so why bother? Observe and describe what's here and now. Throw the shit you carry on your back away, leave it in the past where it belongs, and don't think about it. Accept what ever happened and move on. It's not as hard moving on than you might think. See it as a big fat sack of shit that you're just dragging around behind you - do you really need the content of that sack? Do you really need all of those things, feelings, thoughts that bring you down? No! Accept that it happened, and don't judge yourself or others, and just put it in the past and move on to what is right now. The future doesn't have to be of worry either. Don't worry.

Lay me down

It's over, I quit.

I'm about as lifeless as it gets

It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.

I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.

Why can't somebody else take my place.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.

I've written letters to the ones

I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.

I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew

Something I always thought I couldn't do.

But you don't know anything

That makes me feel life

Except making you bleed five times,

In one night.

You know you deserved it.

Et sølle liv

Lille du
Der er glasskår i min seng
en skitseblok fyldt med lidende mennesker
for hver tåre indeni der falder
tænder jeg en ny cigaret
et halvtomt, et halvkoldt krus kaffe
med en smøg i min flab
står jeg midt i dødens gab

sidder i min ensomhed, min smerte og min tomhed
de ved at der er noget, men de ser dig ikke
de ved ik' hvem du er, men du vil mine vinger stikke
Hvem er jeg? Hvad er jeg? -engel, uheld, ussel
hvordan kan det være at i ser mig som en trussel?

Hvad fanden skal jeg sige når der ingen andre er?
selvmedlidenhed - hvad skal jeg dog med det?
men sprut og nikotin det skal fanme bare mixes
for farmand han har indset at det her det ik' ka' fixes.


(Denne skitse er over et år gammel)

Hot Cakes

At the moment I am listening to the 2012 album by The Darkness called "Hot Cakes". I want to know their new songs, because they are the warm-up band for Lady GaGa, whom I'm going to see this sunday in Parken, Copenhagen! I can't wait! Lady GaGa is my fucking favorite!!! And The Darkness are awesome :b
It has been easier for me to think that I was to see The Darkness, cause seeing Lady GaGa live is just so HUGE for me! I haven't really been able to believe it, because I bought the tickets in.. April or something? It has just been too huge to believe, but now that it's come so close, it's become so real. I'm so excited!
I've bought a new outfit, and this is it:

A long white top, (long enough to cover my ass) going on top of a pair of thights with holes in them, and a short T-shirt with the text "Reckless Trouble Maker" written on it. I think it's cool, and I figured it would fit to my make up, and I feel SO DRESSED TO BALL in it!! I SO HOPE MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS AND I GET INTO THE MONSTER PIT!!!

I also planned my make-up, I've only done it once before, so I hope I can pull it off again. I'm doing the skeletal-face make-up from the Lady GaGa "Born This Way"-musicvideo. In the picture below I've only done half of my face, but I'm gonna make it full-face for the Born This Way Ball! And then I'm gonna make my hair BIG.

I'm just so excited! We're gonna be there from the early morning, and I think we all got our hopes up for the Monster Pit. The chance is there! I'll probably have to do my make up in front of Parken, because it's gonna take HOURS to get it just perfect! I can't wait to see GaGa! She's my fucking ICON! ❤❤❤

Tomorrow my two best friends are coming to my place, and we're gonna go out tomorrow night. I've missed being with them SO MUCH!!! It's been 6 months since we've been together all three! I've missed it like crazy and I can't wait. Love them so ❤ See you guys soon!

Nattetanker

Ligger i mørket. Det eneste der bryder 

tavsheden er lyden af regnvåde veje, 

mens bilerne passerer forbi mit vindue. 

Søvnløsheden er dræbende. Selvom 

søvnen er tiltrængt, er den umulig at 

opnå netop denne nat - Denne nat, 

så vel som mange andre nætter. 

Beslutter mig for, at en cigaret mere 

ikke ville skade. Disse nattetimer er 

alligevel gået til spilde på nyttesløs 

forsøgen på at opnå søvnen, der 

efterhånden virker så fjern som paradis. 

Lige så uopnåelig. Overvejer mange 

gange at droppe søvnen for denne nat. 

Bare forblive vågen. Da jeg drejer hjulet 

på lighteren, lyses rummet op. Ikke meget, 

men nok til at få mig til at knibe øjnene 

sammen og blive blændet som en muldvarp. 

Nu er kun den røde glød synlig i det sorte. 

På trods af, at der intet er at se, har jeg

fortsat mine øjne åbne. De grønne.

Jeg har aldrig brudt mig om stilhed, så 

byens liv er betryggende i den sorte nat.

Den fortsatte lyd af biler der gennemtrænger 

små samlinger af regnvand på asfalten. 

Hvad mon de skal? De som kører rundt 

klokken halv fem om morgenen.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

Brighter lights in Copenhagen

A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. Yes, I got kicked out of school. My principle put me on hold for the year out, saying I could take third year over again. Like that's gonna happen. Two weeks after my big breakdown, I made a decision. A huge decision that was gonna turn my life upside down. I decided to move away from home. I moved to the opposite side of the country. I now live in a basement room below my sister and her boyfriend's apartment. I moved from the countryside to the capital. Yes, I now live in Copenhagen.
It was a big decision, but I cannot say it was a hard decision to make. I had nothing left to do in Jutland. I lost everything. The only thing that made me get up in the morning. After getting kicked out of school, I slept for days. I cried, slept, woke up, went to the bathroom, slept, woke up, cried, ate, went back to sleep.. I couldn't get myself to face the reality, so I just slept. I slept to keep away the pain.
My sister suggested that I could come and move in with her and her boyfriend. I had to think about it, cause it was a big decision in the middle of my chaotic state of mind. I did it. I moved.
When I first got here, my sister and I started looking for jobs for me. The first day I went out with job applications I was nervous. I handed over 6 applications that day. The next day I went out there again, and while handing over my 7th application I was offered a jobinterview right away. Sure I thought, and guess what - I got the job. Right then and there. I'm starting this week. I am a substitute at a kindergarden. I'm gonna work with small children. I am so glad. 2 weeks after getting kicked out of school, I had a job AND a place to live in Copenhagen.
We are renovating the basement I am going to live in. Today I finished painting all of the walls, and tomorrow we are going to paint the floor. THEN I'll be ready to move my stuff in, and we'll be going to IKEA on friday, to find me some new furniture. I've never been to IKEA before, so that's gonna be exiting.

Oh, and by the way... I'm going to a Simple Plan concert tomorrow!!! I'm so exited!! I love them! - the only con about it is, that I am going to the concert alone. Non of my friends like the music I like, and the once that do, doesn't have any money or don't have the time or whatever excuse.

That was all for this time, hope to update you guys soon again. This is a post written on a sleepless night. It's 2 AM, so I better try to sleep. Cya guys.

Fuckingshitfuckcrapshitfuckhelpcrapshitfuckfuckingfuck

I have so many things going through my head. I don't know how to get them out. Most of them are so dark, that I can't tell anyone. It's like.. I'd scare people. I do not wish to scare people, so I just keep all this shit to myself. It's either that, or worrying people, and I don't wanna be a burden.
I feel like. Theres only one person in the world who truly understands, and I can't be with her. She's busy and so far away.. And I feel like I'm dying without her. I hate this.
I'm useless. I can't do anything right. I'm gonna get kicked out of school soon, so I won't even have achieved anything during these three years of struggle. I just can't take it anymore!!

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

Night of the thousand dead frogs

Last night was the night of the thousand dead frogs.
The rain fell so hard it washed away all the dry dust.
The entire road had a huge smudge of water on it.
I went out driving while it was raining in the dark.
The rainfall was the only sound in the silent night.
Darkness only disturbed by the headlights of my car.
A ride where white meets black right there in front.
A landscape only decorated by lines of tears from above.
Raindrops falling so hard the wipers cannot keep up.
The wind fighting a struggle to sweep you off the road.
A fox crosses the road while looking like a starving cat.
The distance seems to grow longer for every mile.
The destination seems further away than it did at first.
Water is lying on the road making a miniature flood.
The flood leaves the frogs to try and save their lives.
The road so full of water that the frogs swim across.
Tires loosing grip of the road makes it hard to brake.
Blindness in the dark leaves the frogs to get run over.
Driving slow to notice every little thing coming up.
Seeing dead frogs floating around on the rainy road.
People thinking nobody would go out in this weather.
Recklessly they skate the road slipping when turning.
The radio drowning in the sounds of falling raindrops.
All blinded by the white headlights of oncoming cars.
The black night is the long dark tunnel which you're in.
Suddenly disturbed by a white light coming towards you.

- by Kiri Rehmeier 

Som et bat i face...

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Hver dag, oftest om aftenen.. bliver jeg ramt at et brat og uventet anfald af tristhed. En nedtur smækker mig i ansigtet, og bliver nogle gange siddende. Jeg ser det ikke komme - og det slår mig i gulvet.. Det er som et slag i nakken, der får dig til at knække sammen... Når dette mørke ligger sig omkring mig, bliver jeg modløs, håbløs, ynkelig og nederen. Det sker hver dag. Sådan er det, når man lider at en depression, og ens medicin stopper med at virke, et par timer før man går i seng, og ens læge ikke vil give dig ét gram mere. F my life. FUCK depression!