To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

Brighter lights in Copenhagen

A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. Yes, I got kicked out of school. My principle put me on hold for the year out, saying I could take third year over again. Like that's gonna happen. Two weeks after my big breakdown, I made a decision. A huge decision that was gonna turn my life upside down. I decided to move away from home. I moved to the opposite side of the country. I now live in a basement room below my sister and her boyfriend's apartment. I moved from the countryside to the capital. Yes, I now live in Copenhagen.
It was a big decision, but I cannot say it was a hard decision to make. I had nothing left to do in Jutland. I lost everything. The only thing that made me get up in the morning. After getting kicked out of school, I slept for days. I cried, slept, woke up, went to the bathroom, slept, woke up, cried, ate, went back to sleep.. I couldn't get myself to face the reality, so I just slept. I slept to keep away the pain.
My sister suggested that I could come and move in with her and her boyfriend. I had to think about it, cause it was a big decision in the middle of my chaotic state of mind. I did it. I moved.
When I first got here, my sister and I started looking for jobs for me. The first day I went out with job applications I was nervous. I handed over 6 applications that day. The next day I went out there again, and while handing over my 7th application I was offered a jobinterview right away. Sure I thought, and guess what - I got the job. Right then and there. I'm starting this week. I am a substitute at a kindergarden. I'm gonna work with small children. I am so glad. 2 weeks after getting kicked out of school, I had a job AND a place to live in Copenhagen.
We are renovating the basement I am going to live in. Today I finished painting all of the walls, and tomorrow we are going to paint the floor. THEN I'll be ready to move my stuff in, and we'll be going to IKEA on friday, to find me some new furniture. I've never been to IKEA before, so that's gonna be exiting.

Oh, and by the way... I'm going to a Simple Plan concert tomorrow!!! I'm so exited!! I love them! - the only con about it is, that I am going to the concert alone. Non of my friends like the music I like, and the once that do, doesn't have any money or don't have the time or whatever excuse.

That was all for this time, hope to update you guys soon again. This is a post written on a sleepless night. It's 2 AM, so I better try to sleep. Cya guys.

12 Days..

Honestly.. I never liked Medina. I still don't. But this song just describes a time in my life so perfectly. Exactly my words, just said with a voice that doesn't belong to me. But here it goes:

So.. If the person whom this is dedicated to ever listens to this, and reads this.. Well just listen. And then please call me.

Speechless

I have no idea what to say.. It surprises me.. I have no idea what to think.. I think about it all the time.. When I think of it, it's like I can't breathe. Not sure if it's because of sadness or happiness. I just know there's some anxiety in it. I get anxious when I think of it. I am not sure what I should think. Should I fear or should I hope? Or both? Should I try or should I give up? Should I smile or should I cry? Should I even care?
Something in me tells me not to even bother - but deep down I can't deny that I care. I care a lot. But I'm not sure rather I even want to care. It's all questionable.

Unpredictable

There is a song that reminds me of you 

I cannot help but sing along with the radio 

We are both in hell you and I 

Burning in the flames of pain 

And I wonder if we will all turn to ashes 

But they say there is no gain without the pain

Oh I feel for you my love, I feel 
You make me feel something 
Alive you might even say 
Like an awakening from the hell I am in 
And I wonder when you are gonna leave next 
Fly away and let me return to death
 










I feel like a zombie, like a living dead 
Cannot escape the fact that I can't feel you 
Just stretch my arms and reach you 
It's a dream I cannot deny is real at night 
I wish that sometimes I would cross your mind 
But even that is a hope I have to let die
 








There is a song that reminds me of you 
Whenever it plays a fire starts in my heart 
I could never tell you how I long for your kiss 
Cause your reaction I cannot predict 
I am so scared, so scared I might lose you 
Like the things we lost in the fire
 





The fire inside my heart














by Kiri Rehmeier ©
2011-10-14

I know, I know..

Will I ever get over losing you? I know what people think, but that doesn't change how I feel.. Normally I'm pretty fast to get over relationships, but this time it takes longer than ever. Maybe it's because the start wasn't even over before the end. Was it that there was no real ending, but just a goodbye? Maybe because I never wanted it to end.. Why does everything wonderful have to come to an end..?