Update #3

I hate being here. To be honest I'm just here because I can't bare getting kicked out again. As if it wasn't bad enough the first time, I sure as hell won't have to go through it again. I've already had enough no-shows... Guess there's still some anxiety I haven't worked through yet. I feel so stupid all the time when I'm here. As soon as I walk into this building it's like I've been muted. I don't have a voice. I don't know any of the answers, no matter the question asked. I become stupid. Every day I'm here I wish I hadn't showed up. It's painful being the new girl... I don't know anyone, and it scares me. The only good thing about this school is that nobody knows me.
I could make it easier on myself by doing my homework, but honestly.. When I get home from school the first thing I do is throw myself on the bed and tell myself it's okay. That showing up was enough. Why is this so easy for everyone else? I don't think I'm being lazy, cause this is not due to laziness. I'm just tired. I am so god damn tired when I get home. So god damn tired.

Apartment pics

Here are the pictures you've wanted

I've moved into my new apartment, and I really love it there. I want all my friends to come see it, but none of them really got time. Been spending time there with my family, boyfriend and alone, and I've been busy all weekend, setting things up and making it my own. Here are some pictures. Hope you guys are good.

xo

Blog challenge day 14

"What you wore today"

Today I've been wearing jeans, a top with a striped t-shirt over it, a cardigan and two big scarfs. It's been freezing outside all day, and I locked myself out of the apartment, and my keys were gone, so I had to walk down town, because the key to my bike was gone as well.
Besides that, I wore mittens and my leather jacket. Because that's just how hardcore I am. And I'm ugly today because I'm not wearing any make up and my hair looks like a bird nest.

Blog challenge day 6

"Your views on mainstream music"

I consider mainstream music the stuff that everyone hears, that pleases the most ears. That in itself is a good thing, that this is what's being played on the radio. I don't listen to radio. I carry around my own music collection of the music I like on my iPhone and iPad, with over 3.300 tracks. Sometimes there is a song that I think is good on the radio, so I go get it for my iPhone.
But mostly my kind of music isn't mainstream. I really love hard rock music like Papa Roach, KISS and Crossfade. I'm also really much into different kinds of metal such as Linkin Park, Volbeat and Three Days Grace. I also have my female artists Lady GaGa, Sia, Evanescence and P!nk, and got some oldschool punk from The Offspring.

Honestly my genres are not music for evey taste, but I love it. So I'd much rather listen to my music than yours :b And all music is better on Vinyl of course, always!

Blog challenge day 4

"Bullet your whole day"

Today i woke up at 11pm and just I was just lying there for half an hour or so. I smoked a few cigarettes, and then I went and took a shower and put on makeup, body butter and made myself look hot. I decided that I couldn't bare to spend another night alone, so I packed my stuff and made the calls I should. I folded the laundry and started another machine full, and asked my brother in law to hang it up for me, so there is clean sheets for me when I get home <3 I called the Niels Broch office and was transferred further to a secretary, and she gave me the number to the guy I have to talk to. It was too late for today, but I'll call him tomorrow. I put on my new pants, new boots and my leather jacket, and headed for the bus. As usual it passed me the second I got out the door, but it was all right. I made it to the station and bought a chai latte, and had a cigarette before getting on the train. I read in my book most of the time, and got off in Fredericia where I had to change trains. I had a smoke and now I'm sitting in the last train, and I'm almost there. Alexander is gonna pick me up at the station. I surprised him by leaving him a message to see when he got off work an hour ago, saying that I was coming and spending the night. He was glad I did, and so am I. I'm gonna see him in a few minutes, and I just can't wait to be with him again, just for a little while <3 that was my day so far!

Update #2

I've been at my parents this weekend. Friday I was with my friend, and we had a nice evening together before she leaves for Australia. I'm glad I had the chance to say goodbye and give her, her Christmas present. It was a t-shirt, and she liked it. I'm glad.
Saturday evening I went to my friend's place an he made us dinner, and we just had a nice time together. We watched Date Night, one of my favorite comedies, and I finally got to see Ted. It was so awesome, I laughed so hard. It was great seeing him again.

I'm on the train on my way back to Copenhagen now. There is group therapy tomorrow, and after that I have a single session with my therapist. Tomorrow is the last day of group therapy for me. It's so sad, I'm gonna miss them so much! Amazing people. <3 Still have a few sessions left with my therapist, but I'll be done there before Christmas.
Tomorrow I am gonna call the one person in the world whom I hate the most. It's a challenge, but I want to do it. But I still hope he gets cancer and suffers a slow and painful death :-))) but enough about my feelings of vengeance. I won't be home until about 10 pm -.- I'm always home late. Tomorrow I'll be washing clothes all day, when I'm done with therapy. It's all in the laundry basket, so my drawers are empty. Bwaah. Cya guys. (:

Another update

My best friend is leaving Denmark to go to Australia for three months. I'm gonna miss her. She's leaving this Tuesday, an I only get to see her Friday. I really hope she has the time of her life. She deserves to get away from Denmark for a little while, and I'm sure it'll be good for her.
I'm sitting in the train on my way home from Alexander. Going back to Copenhagen. I'm gonna see my therapist tomorrow. I can't wait. It's been weeks since we've had a session, just the two of us. I'll be done with therapy soon, oh I'm so nervous. I have to frame and hang stuff from the book on my walls. I don't want to forget all of these great things I've learned. I'm gonna miss my therapist so much. She's the most talented professional I've ever had the honor to talk to. She's just so great.
After therapy tomorrow I'll probably clean up the apartment a little bit, and then I'll have to pack my stuff again and go to my parents. Then I'll say properly goodbye to my friend on Friday, and I'll probably just stay the rest of the weekend at my parents.
Have a nice time you guys.

Fremtid

Hvad mon fremtiden har med
Mennesker går og bekymre sig
Men dette grunder i at de ikke ved
Fremtiden er nu, fremtiden er dig
Tænk ikke på de dage der kommer
Hvad gør det for dig i denne stund
Forskuds bekymringer i dine lommer
Er det virkelig en klog mands grund

Et splitsekund af fremtiden sker
Når du lukker og atter syner igen
Tænk på det der er lige nu og her
Men sikkert er dog altid en ting
Tiden får en ende, der er ens for alle
Ti ej længere, stå op, tag et skridt
Lad stilheden dø, det er tid til at tale
Vend ryggen til alt det du har smidt

Hvis meningen med livet ikke er at dø
Monstro det så kunne være at leve
Sløv og hvileløs vandring på en øde ø
Så fortæl mig vil De bare eksistere
Slider jer ned for at nå til et sted
I sidste ende er det så det værd
Når man en dag skal sænkes ned
På sidste dagen først at have lært

Synd og skam

Af Kiri Rehmeier
7. november 2012

Days Go By

The album cover for "Days Go By"
by The Offspring

I've been a huge offspring fan for years, and I was as excited as a child on Christmas, when they released "Rise and Fall, Race and Grace" back in 2008. The style that is loved by all The Offspring fans hadn't changed, and THANK GOD for that! I loved that album, and it completely lived up to the expectations. Just as excited was I when they released their 2012 album "Days Go By", and I wasn't disappointed!! The true offspring style is still there, and just as they were on "Rise and Fall, Race and Grace", the lyrics had improved too! I loved the remake of "Dirty Magic", and I was mesmerized by ALL the rest of the songs on the album. They punk music these days has gotten weak, and not even real punk-ish, but this punk rock album sure brought it back to life again! The funny songs such as "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" and "Why Don't You Get A Job", that the band has gotten very famous for, and which everyone can sing along to, has also gotten a new one to the family, called "Cruising California (Bumpin' In My Trunk)". It's funny lyrics and the wonderful and happy 

A picture I took during the Offspring concert in Skive
this summer. 

beat makes me sure, that it is gonna make a hit. 

Also the album titled song "Days Go By" is an amazing work of art. I heard the song when it got released, which was short before I was to see The Offspring live at Skive Festival in Denmark. I stood in front of the scene hours before the band was to go on stage, because I wanted that exact spot in front of the scene. And as I had hoped for I got a spot at the very front in the middle. I was only a few feet away from Dexter when he went to the edge of the stage, and to be honest, I had to stop myself from climbing the fence. The concert was amazing, and they truly nailed it. I was screaming along to every song, and when they played songs from "Days Go By", most of the audience didn't really know what to do, but I was screaming as f*ck the entire time! Guys, you might not be 25 anymore, but you still know how to rock it! I'll never stop listening to offspring. 
Me wearing my favorite 
Offspring T-shirt.
If you haven't heard or bought "Days Go By" yet, go do it! You won't regret it. 

Horror movie in my head

I wake up at least ten times every night covered in sweat, barely awake long enough to know, that the cruel reality I just escaped was just a horrible nightmare.

Then I fall back asleep, and usually the previous dream continues from where I awoke. Not missing a second of the horrific events. Almost like pressing the pause button on the remote. Awful. 

I cannot escape the nightmares. These nightmares are not those with monsters and blood every where. These are realistic. 

Car crashes with me in the drivers seat and my friends in the back. 

Being humiliated at school. Getting in fights

Standing in a bar and being verbally attacked by someone you think you might know from somewhere.

Having horrible red itching rashes everywhere, that everyone notices.

These things might not sound bad, but the unpleasant aura and the general horror-like mood in the dream makes it bad. Actually feeling the pain as if it was real.. Very real. Screaming from the pain but no sound is to be heard and suddenly... I can't breathe. So I suffocate.

Lay me down

It's over, I quit.

I'm about as lifeless as it gets

It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.

I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.

Why can't somebody else take my place.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.

I've written letters to the ones

I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.

I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew

Something I always thought I couldn't do.

But you don't know anything

That makes me feel life

Except making you bleed five times,

In one night.

You know you deserved it.

Acceptance

Am I the one misunderstanding or is there

something wrong with the world today?

Shouldn't I be able to live my life, the way 

I want to live it, without being judged by 

all other human beings passing by me?

I dream of breaking free evey night

Every day I am reminded that those 

beautiful pictures are just in my imagination.

People talk about life, as though there is 

only one way to live it, and those who stands

out are the outcast of our generation.

Why? Why does it have to be so hard just to

be you?

How come we never see people with 

"Free Hugs"-signs anymore? What is so 

wrong with wanting to give a little love?

Why is love a tabu in this country? Respect 

is all we ever talk about. Love is only brought

up in closed forums. What is the matter with 

the adults of our community? Where did

the love go? Maybe that is why evey third

marrige end in divorce. Because they marry 

out of respect in stead of love. Possible.

The divorce rate of gay marriages are much

lower - so why do people disguise gay marridge?

Because they actually know the true meaning 

Of marridge? 

I don't understand the adult generation today.

I just can't see how respect and traditions can

be more important than love and humanity.

Love is not a promise to god? It's a promise to

yourself and your partner. In my opinion

the youth have got it right in this one. They are 

more accepting of love and differences, than 

the older generations. Of course there are 

youngsters that doesn't accept either, and 

adults that do, but compared to each other, 

which is more accepting?

Alt det hun er

Hun er som en sommer dag, hvor 

kliche det end lyder. Varm og 

nærmes ulidelig dejlig. Jeg får en 

lidenskabelig lyst, til at tage tøjet af, 

og mærke hendes varme på min 

nøgne hud. 

Hun er som en vase, med sine 

perfekte kurver. Bløde runde former, 

men stadig tynd og skrøbelig. Tab 

hende ikke, for hun kan knuses i 

tusind stykker, som glas. En 

skrøbelig skønhed.

Hun er som en stjerneklar december 

nat. Hendes øjne funkler, mens hvid 

røg undslipper hendes varme mund. 

Kinderne bliver så smukt røde. Hvad 

mon hun gemmer på, bag de lange 

sorte skygger? 

Hun er som en rose, så betagende i al 

sin fryd. Et forvirrende mønster, 

men så hypnotiserende smuk og sød. 

På trods af kulden og livets realitet, 

vil hun altid atter genopstå, selvom 

hun falmer.

Hun er som en aftenkjole, så fin at 

man ikke kan undgå, at vende sig og 

tage et ekstra kig. Udenpå er hun 

bedårende, dog kan det skønne ydre 

ikke måle sig med skønheden, der er 

inden under.

Hun er som et kys, så umådelig 

kærlig mod mine læber. Hun vækker 

følelser i mig, der giver mig årsag. Et 

kærtegn der giver lykke og mening til 

livet. Jeg smelter indeni, når hun siger

 "kys mig".

Hun er som en tåre, så ren og blid 

mod min kind. Et udtryk for de 

dybeste følelser, der fylder mit 

blødende hjerte. Så vemodig, så 

hvorfor leve? Fordi jeg har hende, 

aller dybest inde.

Af Kiri Rehmeier

Dedikeret til mit livs lys, min eneste sande kærlighed.

Søvnløshed

Mit hovede føles proppet. Tankerne

hober sig op, og danner et virvar af 

bekymringer. Jeg er altid bekymret. 

Der er altid ét eller andet, der går mig 

på. Det stopper aldrig. Det er som om 

jeg ikke kan lade være. Nærmest 

umuligt at styre dem andre veje.

Mine tanker racer altid rundt, og der 

er faktisk aldrig ro i mit hovede. Ofte 

kan for mange bekymringer blandet 

med uoverskuelighed, resultere i panik. 

Panisk angst der driver mig helt der ud, 

hvor vandet er så dybt, at man ikke 

længere kan ane bunden under sig. 

Helt der ud ,hvor distancen er så 

lang, at man ikke længere kan skue 

land i horisonten. Derude hvor det blå 

hav er så dybt, at det blå bliver sort. 

Jeg kan ikke bunde. Bunden er ikke 

eksisterende, og jeg er ikke længere i 

stand til, at holde mig selv flydende. 

Armenes febrilske fægten i kampen 

for at holde hovedet over vand 

svigter, og jeg synker - dybere og 

dybere. Angsten er for længst 

grebet ind, og har taget på mig. Det 

nytter ikke noget at kæmpe imod, det 

er allerede for sent, at styre den vej. 

Så jeg gør det eneste der er tilbage 

at gøre. Lader mig synke endnu 

dybere. Svigter bevidstheden mon 

før jeg når at ramme bunden? Jeg 

synker - langsomt. Da jeg løber tør 

for luft, og som jeg tvinges til at tage 

en indånding af det tunge sorte hav

Vågner jeg.

Af Kiri Rehmeier / natten til den 18. august 2012

Nattetanker

Ligger i mørket. Det eneste der bryder 

tavsheden er lyden af regnvåde veje, 

mens bilerne passerer forbi mit vindue. 

Søvnløsheden er dræbende. Selvom 

søvnen er tiltrængt, er den umulig at 

opnå netop denne nat - Denne nat, 

så vel som mange andre nætter. 

Beslutter mig for, at en cigaret mere 

ikke ville skade. Disse nattetimer er 

alligevel gået til spilde på nyttesløs 

forsøgen på at opnå søvnen, der 

efterhånden virker så fjern som paradis. 

Lige så uopnåelig. Overvejer mange 

gange at droppe søvnen for denne nat. 

Bare forblive vågen. Da jeg drejer hjulet 

på lighteren, lyses rummet op. Ikke meget, 

men nok til at få mig til at knibe øjnene 

sammen og blive blændet som en muldvarp. 

Nu er kun den røde glød synlig i det sorte. 

På trods af, at der intet er at se, har jeg

fortsat mine øjne åbne. De grønne.

Jeg har aldrig brudt mig om stilhed, så 

byens liv er betryggende i den sorte nat.

Den fortsatte lyd af biler der gennemtrænger 

små samlinger af regnvand på asfalten. 

Hvad mon de skal? De som kører rundt 

klokken halv fem om morgenen.