Blog challenge day 20

"Your fears"

I am diagnosed with anxiety, so I have many fears. I'm just gonna mention some of my phobias, because they are less personal.

Clowns
I am terrified of clowns, and a few years back I went to the circus with my smaller siblings and a friend. My friend held me while they were on stage, and when they went out to the audience, I cried like I was about to be brutally murdered. I hate clowns, they are so scary. The worst clown is the McDonalds clown, because it is a clown and it stands for a company that I find repulsing. End of it.

People in full body costumes with masks
You know, like the ones running around in Disneyland. A huge teddy bear or a Mickey Mouse can scare me to death. My friends know this and they usually hold me, while walking a big circle around them on the street.. While I'm hyperventilating and halfway crying. I hate it and it is embarrassing, but that's what I'm afraid of.

Losing
My greatest fear is losing a loved one. Nothing can terrify me like the thought of losing my friends, sisters or parents. I love them so much and I don't know how I'd get by without them. I am just very awful at losing.

Blog challenge day 11

"Your family"

My family is really close. My mom and dad have been married for 25 years, and together for 35 years. They belong together, and non of them could ever imagine not having the other. They have so much love, that they brought two foster children into our family from when they were babies, even though they had my big sister and I. I couldn't imagine a better relationship than the one I have to my parents. We can talk about everything, because that's just the kind of people we are. We have so many jokes together, and a shared understanding.

My big sister and I are best friends and better. We can do everything together, and talk about everything and it is just wonderful. My two younger foster sisters are my babies. No matter how big they grow I still see them as little innocent children. The first one is 14 now, and I can't bare that she's growing up. The other one is 9 and she's half greenlander, and is the most beautiful little lovely girl in the world. She had a really hard time when I moved, and it took her weeks of crying herself to sleep in my mom's room, to get used to the fact that I didn't live at my parents anymore. That's a little bit about my family. (:

Et sølle liv

Lille du
Der er glasskår i min seng
en skitseblok fyldt med lidende mennesker
for hver tåre indeni der falder
tænder jeg en ny cigaret
et halvtomt, et halvkoldt krus kaffe
med en smøg i min flab
står jeg midt i dødens gab

sidder i min ensomhed, min smerte og min tomhed
de ved at der er noget, men de ser dig ikke
de ved ik' hvem du er, men du vil mine vinger stikke
Hvem er jeg? Hvad er jeg? -engel, uheld, ussel
hvordan kan det være at i ser mig som en trussel?

Hvad fanden skal jeg sige når der ingen andre er?
selvmedlidenhed - hvad skal jeg dog med det?
men sprut og nikotin det skal fanme bare mixes
for farmand han har indset at det her det ik' ka' fixes.


(Denne skitse er over et år gammel)

Missing loner

Lying in the dark. I feel so alone. I'm lonely every day. Since I moved I've started feeling more alone than ever. I miss people. I miss my friends, I miss my cat, I miss my mum! I miss my mum so much... I miss having coffee with her. Laughing with her.. I miss having her around when I'm sad. I'm sad a lot, and I miss her so much.. Pathetic? Maybe. But at least I'm mature enough to admit it..

My days are empty. I have do purpose at the moment. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm shit.

Love

List of things I love:

• Kristina
• Mette
• Nathalie
• my sisters
• Lucifer
• my parents
• cigarettes
• booze
• twitter
• tumblr
• apple products
• music
• drawing
• candles
• linkin park
• volbeat
• sunshine
• strawberries
• milk
• coffee
• nailpolish
• concerts
• shopping
• baresso
• make up
• stilettos
• duvets and pillows
• sleeping
• prescription drugs
• noodles
• texting
• sex
• flirting
• getting wasted
• laughing really hard
• talking on the phone for hours
• summer
• dogs
• cats
• all animals
• leather jackets
• falling asleep to music
• staying up late
• watching movies
• large sweatshirts and hoodies
• when somebody says they love me
• travelling
• cuddling
• having coffee with my parents
• singing with Kristina and Mette in my car
• mine and Mette's freakshow
• watching Kristina sleep
• my old classmates
• dancing
• lady gaga
• crying
• IKEA
• pulling my own hair
• being hugged from behind
• holding hands
• being in love when it is returned the same
• breaking stuff with a bat
• kissing
• editing photographs
• my bed
• my car
• bags
• being there for people
• blonde baby boys with blue eyes
• having a beer and a cigarette
• giving people gifts
• surprising others
• writing poems
• singing
• screaming
• Freaking out on people
• photographing
• walking in the city in the middle of the night
• crisps
• chocolate
• rain
• festivals
• dancing and lip-syncing in front of the mirror
• complimenting people
• when people ask me to dance
• when my girlfriends actually wants to dance with me at parties or at clubs
• putting on nail polish with Mette and Kristina
• getting drunk with my wife - 2 man party on the floor
• nathalie's long island ice teas
• reuniting with people I haven't seen for a long time
• tattoos
• coloring hair with my wife
• piercings
• piercing my friends
• buying stuff on the internet
• singing along to loud music
• videos where people fall or get hurt
• cleaning
• going on dates
• telling people how much I love them
• the relationship I have with my bigsister

Brighter lights in Copenhagen

A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. Yes, I got kicked out of school. My principle put me on hold for the year out, saying I could take third year over again. Like that's gonna happen. Two weeks after my big breakdown, I made a decision. A huge decision that was gonna turn my life upside down. I decided to move away from home. I moved to the opposite side of the country. I now live in a basement room below my sister and her boyfriend's apartment. I moved from the countryside to the capital. Yes, I now live in Copenhagen.
It was a big decision, but I cannot say it was a hard decision to make. I had nothing left to do in Jutland. I lost everything. The only thing that made me get up in the morning. After getting kicked out of school, I slept for days. I cried, slept, woke up, went to the bathroom, slept, woke up, cried, ate, went back to sleep.. I couldn't get myself to face the reality, so I just slept. I slept to keep away the pain.
My sister suggested that I could come and move in with her and her boyfriend. I had to think about it, cause it was a big decision in the middle of my chaotic state of mind. I did it. I moved.
When I first got here, my sister and I started looking for jobs for me. The first day I went out with job applications I was nervous. I handed over 6 applications that day. The next day I went out there again, and while handing over my 7th application I was offered a jobinterview right away. Sure I thought, and guess what - I got the job. Right then and there. I'm starting this week. I am a substitute at a kindergarden. I'm gonna work with small children. I am so glad. 2 weeks after getting kicked out of school, I had a job AND a place to live in Copenhagen.
We are renovating the basement I am going to live in. Today I finished painting all of the walls, and tomorrow we are going to paint the floor. THEN I'll be ready to move my stuff in, and we'll be going to IKEA on friday, to find me some new furniture. I've never been to IKEA before, so that's gonna be exiting.

Oh, and by the way... I'm going to a Simple Plan concert tomorrow!!! I'm so exited!! I love them! - the only con about it is, that I am going to the concert alone. Non of my friends like the music I like, and the once that do, doesn't have any money or don't have the time or whatever excuse.

That was all for this time, hope to update you guys soon again. This is a post written on a sleepless night. It's 2 AM, so I better try to sleep. Cya guys.

Letter Challenge Day 14

A letter to someone you've drifted away from.

Dear André

We were like brother and sister once. We spend so many hours together when we were kids. We both had a fantasy which could bring the most of fun out of nothing. All the countless hours of playing in the garden with the little ones. Hide and seek, jumping on the trampoline, imaginary games, and swimming in the pool. Those childhood memories..

When you got sick, I spend countless hours worrying for you. Back then I looked at you as my brother, and watching you in pain was hard. After all we were just kids. I remember the party you threw when you had your last medication - I kissed you on the cheek, and I was so happy. So happy you wouldn't believe it. Unfortunately from that day on, we began to see each other less and less.

I often wondered how you were. How far you'd come in your life. I hadn't spoken with you for years, before Judas came along. We talked a little, and I found out how far you've come. I know it sounds corny to say that I'm proud, but I am. I think it's fantastic to see how far you've come. I'm glad that you're doing good. Really glad.

Rock on bro
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 11

A letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Dear Lisbeth
It's so unfair.. Your death was tough. You're the mother of my best friend, and you died before the age of 40. You died from cancer. A form of cancer that all young girls are being offered a vaccine against today. I've been vaccinated. So have your daughters.
I'm writing this letter to you, to let you know that you're really missed. Not only by the three children you left behind. Also by your husband and your friends.

My mum and you were dear friends. Your husband has moved on now. About time. It took years for him to get over the loss of his beloved wife, and mother of his children. He's got a girlfriend now. She's a good person, cause she knows and accepted that you were, and always will be the love of his life. She's nice. But now the deal isn't about your husband. It's more about Trine. Your oldest daughter. She really misses you. She has gone through some really tough times, and she has really been in the need of a mother. Last time I got to feel her pain of missing you so bad, was a night where she was sad. Very sad. She cried in my bed while looking at a picture of you. She really needs you at certain points.

I can't imagine going through the tough times of teenage without a mother. My mother has been a very important factor for me while being a fragile teenager. It scares me to think that Trine, my dearest friend had to go through that. But Trine is strong. Very strong. You have to be one hell of a hardass to do that! That's worth honoring.
So Lisbeth.. You've got some tough children. You did good. Really good.

Loving memories
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 4

A letter to your sibling

^ My sister and my dad

Dear Sister

When we were younger, we weren't as close as we became in time. Now we've grown up, and your an adult. Moving to Copenhagen and going to the university. You've become all the things I always dreamed of being.
At the age of 22 your life is truly coming to it's place. The pieces fit. I am proud of you. You have always been a role model to me. Always been so perfect in my eyes. At times your success has even been so overwhelming that I couldn't help but feel like a black sheep. That's a fact that makes me feel ashamed, but as I grew older I realized what I should have known all along. You're my sister, and I should never envy your life. As your sister I should only be happy for you, and now I am.

But some things I cannot help but envy you. Your beauty as an example. Your natural, unlimited beauty. How could I not envy everything about your look. I know a lot of beautiful people, but no matter what, no one could ever be compared to you. Seriously honey, Tyra Banks ain't got nothing on you! You've always been the smart one as well, and that's not about the age difference between us. When you start your smart talk, I feel pretty stupid.
Maybe that is part of the reason, why I chose not to follow in your tracks, and go to the university. I've mad up my mind about what I want to do according to education. I'm gonna go in the opposite direction of you. You're getting a authorized education, and I'm gonna go for one that will never become a real accepted one. My future is more of a gamble than yours. As I just said, you've always been the smart one. Some of my happiest days has been with you. All the vacations, all the christmas eves. Last Christmas eve I cried. I cried so much because I couldn't feel any of the joy, which I KNEW filled the living room. I'm not sure if you noticed how sad I was, but you pulled me back. You made me feel a little bit of the joy, which I couldn't see before. You know me.

Our interrail trip through europe was the best days of my life. my best birthday ever was in Amsterdam with you, looking through sex shops, staring at prostitutes, going to bars while all along I had Cystitis. I laughed so much, and non of it was fake. That's the best of it. Sis... I cannot bare the fact that you're moving so far away from me. That I'm gonna miss you even more than I already do, just because I know that you're so far, and that visiting you are gonna cost a fortune.

You're the best thing I've got. The best part of my life. You are the greatest sister. I could never ask for more. I love you.

Eternal love
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 3

A letter to your parents

Dear mum and dad

As for some, but in fact not all, you as my parents have been a huge part of my life.
I love you both more than you know.

Mum.. You're always there for me. But in your own way. You are the one that I run home to. In your arms I can scream in tears and curse everything I hate. You used to tell me that it could not be true, all the stuff that I hate. But in time you got to know how I truly feel. Now when I come crying to you, and tell you that the world is shit, you tell me; "I know". Cause now you do. Now you do know. And I'm glad. I mean.. shouldn't all kids be able to be honest with their parents? I love all the small things we do together. When you read my horoscope out loud for me. When we sit together and enjoy a cigarette while drinking coffee. When you ask me if I've had a good time while not home. When you come say goodnight before you go to bed. I have never felt that you weren't proud of me. I know you always will be. 

Dad.. You're the type of man that can fix everything. The only thing I've ever experienced that you were not able to fix, is me. And I know it's been bugging you a lot. "We must be able to fix this somehow?" you told me once. But it's okay dad. I know that you can't fix me, and I hate it too. I'm sure that it still crosses your mind from time to time. I really appreciate how badly you wish to help me. More than you will ever know. But dad, I have to help my self. It's hard, but when I think of the smallest things that you can do to help me, I come to you. I've come crying in your arms in the middle of the night. Sometimes we talk about it. Sometimes we don't have to. Sometimes it's like you read my mind. I don't have to tell, cause you already know. I know you're always there. And I love that. You have no idea how happy it makes me when you do all those little things that seems indifferent, such as just having a cup of coffee with me. When you help me carry my stuff out of the car. When you tell me to drive safely and take care of myself. When you tell me that you're proud of me for something I did, and then afterwards remind me that you're proud of me no matter what. 

You've given me so much. I love you too so much. You are the best parents one could have. I feel sorry for all the children in the world, who do not feel loved. I have never felt that you didn't love me. At times it hasn't meant as much as others, but no matter what it truly matters. I cannot think of anyone who has bigger hearts than you. 

Thank you for being the best parents. I love you.

Forever yours

Kiri Rehmeier

Random no. 1

I have trouble sleeping. I don't understand how I can possibly turn night into day. Mum says it's alway been like that.

I went to see my grandma today. She's 90 years old. She's usually talking about how bad she wants to die. She's depressive - like me, but mostly in the winter. She's too old to do stuff, and she has been alone since grandpa died, ten years ago.
But today she was different. She laughed and really enjoyed our company.

She was especially glad to see me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And before that it was more than a year. I'm pretty ashamed of that. The reason I don't come along with my family, when they go to visit her, is that I can't stand hearing the suicidal talk. I can't stand that my grandma says things like that. They might as well could have come from my mouth..? I can't take that.

She told me and my sister not to smoke. My grandma smoked for 60 years and then stopped. She's been cranky ever since xD Gonna continue trying to sleep now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location: Vinderup,Danmark

Birthdays..

My birthday is in 17 days. It’s gonna be my 19th birthday, nothing special really. It’s just.. Even at my 18th birthday non of my friends had time to see me. It’s like.. I really put much into being there on my friends birthdays. I want it to be their day, and to make them have a good time. I have never forgotten a friend’s birthday.

Not talking about anybody in particular, just in general: I’ve never had friends who had time to be with me on my birthday. It’s in the summer holiday, and my friends has always been on vacation or to somebody else’s birthday party. Or having to work, didn’t have the money or they’ve come up with an excuse because they forgot, and didn’t got me a present. You see.. I don’t care about presents. That’s not what this is about. I don’t care about the stupid presents! Honestly I just care about the fact, that my friends spend a little off their precious time, to come see me on my fucking birthday? Is that too much to ask?

This year I’ve really been let down. Or that’s how I feel.. My sister and brother in law can’t see me at my birthday. They have another birthday party that day. As I told my mum; I fucking hope it’s a round birthday! And then my wife called - yeah, she’s having her graduation party the night before my birthday. My wife lives in the upper set end of Jutland than I do, so of course non of my friends who are coming to the graduation party, will have time or money to visit me the next day. So I’m probably gonna start my birthday with hangover, then a two hour drive home, to find that my parents are the only people who have time to drink a fucking cup of coffee with me. OH! And of course - my parents and siblings have to go to bed early on my birthday, cause they’re going to Copenhagen early the next morning!

… Nobody cares anyway.

Fml, Kiri

Hjemme..

At føle sig hjemme

Nogle siger.. at hjemme er der hvor hjertet er. Andre siger at hjemme er der hvor man føler sig tryg. Nogle forbinder hjemme med der de er vokset op, andre med der de bor - eller der hvor deres forældre bor.

"hjemme er der hvor hjertet er.."

Jamen.. Hjertet er jo i ens krop? Hvad nu hvis man ikke føler sig hjemme i sin krop?

"hjemme er der hvor man føler sig tryg"

Jamen jeg føler mig jo ikke tryg nogle steder? Vil det sige at jeg ikke har noget hjem? At jeg aldrig er hjemme?

Halvvejs

Så. Nu er jeg halvt færdig på handelsskolen HHX.

1½ år til jeg bliver student. At tænke på at man er nået halvvejs uden at knække på trods af alt det der har trykket, er rart.

Nu smutter jeg til Holstebro og forsøger at finde en vinterjakke med mut'mut.

Skolen er aflyst i dag fordi det er for koldt, og varmen er i stykker - nice.

Blog challenge day 10

Fortæl om dagen i dag..

Jah.. I dag er det så den 18. december 2010. 6 dage til juleaften. Det bliver min lillesøster ved med at gå rundt og synge for sig selv. Det første hun sagde til mig da jeg kom ned ved middagstid var "Kiri, der er kun 6 dage til jul!"

Grunden til at jeg først kom ned omkring middag i dag, var fordi jeg var på druk i går. Det var hyggeligt. Vågnede op med de groveste tømmermænd. Besluttede mig så for at sove mere, fordi ellers ville jeg nok dø af det. Det virkede at sove.

Jeg er ved at pakke lige pt.. Eller egentlig sidder jeg og skriver det her mens jeg får en smøg, men anyway.

Jeg kører til Skive og henter det jeg lod stå hos Nathalie i går, og så kører jeg ned til Casper. Vågnede af at Caspers mor, Rikke, ringede og sagde at hun godt ville give mig benzin penge til at komme ned til Casper. Fair nok..

Jeg skulle egentlig have været forbi Lulle i dag. Savner hende. Men pengene har jeg ikke, og jeg tvivler på at Caspers mor gider betale for mit smut forbi Horsens -.-' Sorry Lulle skat. Elsker dig, you know. <3

Vil få noget mascara på, og pakke færdig. Cya.