Crazy

I'm sitting in the train. It's like I'm in a trance. I can't think straight, and all I want is to smoke. What do I do? I calm myself down. How? I pull out my hair. I'm sitting with a huge pile of hair in my lap, and I don't want to throw it out. Because when you have to get rid of the evidence (the hair), you realise what you've done. Then I realise that people have been watching me for over an hour, while I was fully aware of it, but didn't care. They look at me like I'm crazy. I don.t bother, because while pulling I don't give a flying fuck about anything. It's like I'm floating and everything around me becomes quiet, and nothing is harmful. The feeling of the little white roots letting go of the follicle.. It's important to grab the hair by the roots just right, cause otherwise the hair will break, and the root doesn't come out, and the hair was wasted. That's how I feel. Unless you are a fellow sufferer from trichotillomania, you won't understand. I don't expect people to understand. I needed to write this for my own sake. Thank you.

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

Letter Challenge Day 13

A letter to someone you wish could forgive you.

Dear ED

We were the best of friends for years, and I spend all my time with you - every waken hour. At first you seemed like the answer to all my problems, and we had our little secrets. We did everything together, and every time you were a little distant, I kept thinking these thoughts no matter what situation I was in: "What would Ana do?" "What would Ana say?" .. I did it all because you meant so much, and I didn't ever wanna let you down. For years I did everything I could to make you happy.. But the thing is Mia-Ana... You were never happy? And since you we're never happy, I was never happy. Your feelings affected me so much, they became my feelings. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I just want to give it all up, ask you for forgiveness and be friends again. But I know better now.

I spend 4 years of my life trying to make you happy. It took me 4 years to figure out the fact that it was YOU who made me miserable. The truth is that you stole my life. My youth. After I stopped listening to you I became more and more like a person again. I found myself again, cause during those 4 years, I hadn't been me - I was you. You lived through me. You abused me, and used me to for fill your purposes and dreams.

All the girls out there wanting to be your friend... They're making the biggest mistake of their lives INVITING you into it. I mean honestly, you don't bring along anything good. Your purpose is to destroy other people's lives. To kill. You made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything. That I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. You almost made me kill myself. I was unhappy every day because of you. I still am. It's your fault that I got my depression in the first place.

But today I know better. I know you from the inside out, you shallow bitch. You are the worst friend one could have. You are the friend that want's to hurt others. The kind of friend that puts your pain onto others.

I have a tattoo on my hand. A tattoo which will remind me every day for the rest of my life, that we were friends, but that I am stronger than you are. I won. I will always win.

Never again

Kiri Rehmeier

- This blog is dedicated to all the little girls out there wanting to be your friend. So stupid. So naive. 

Midnat - natten til den 4. maj 2010

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Der er alt for mange ting der er usagte.. Du fortæller mig ikke alt, selvom der er et krav jeg tidligere har stilt. Jeg er angst.. Angst for at miste dig. Angst for at blive såret.. Igen. Ingen kan såre mig som du kan, og det ved du. Jeg beroliger mig selv hver dag. Forsøger at komme ned på jorden igen og få et nogenlunde stabilt fodfæste. Jeg kæmper hårdt. På at glemme, fortrænge, skubbe tanker væk og ikke mindst for at stole på dig. Det er virkelig svært! Det håber jeg du forstår. Tilliden er meget langsomt ved at blive opbygget igen - selvom du ikke kæmper sønderligt for det, og så nytter det bare ikke at du ikke fortæller mig hvad det er der foregår. Hvis der ikke foregår noget, hvorfor er du så bange for at fortælle det? Jeg håber på at du kan klare den lange ventetid, og den hårde kamp, der kommer før at jeg igen stoler på dig.. Ofte tvivler jeg. Kan du klare det?