Horror movie in my head

I wake up at least ten times every night covered in sweat, barely awake long enough to know, that the cruel reality I just escaped was just a horrible nightmare.

Then I fall back asleep, and usually the previous dream continues from where I awoke. Not missing a second of the horrific events. Almost like pressing the pause button on the remote. Awful. 

I cannot escape the nightmares. These nightmares are not those with monsters and blood every where. These are realistic. 

Car crashes with me in the drivers seat and my friends in the back. 

Being humiliated at school. Getting in fights

Standing in a bar and being verbally attacked by someone you think you might know from somewhere.

Having horrible red itching rashes everywhere, that everyone notices.

These things might not sound bad, but the unpleasant aura and the general horror-like mood in the dream makes it bad. Actually feeling the pain as if it was real.. Very real. Screaming from the pain but no sound is to be heard and suddenly... I can't breathe. So I suffocate.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

Letter Challenge Day 11

A letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Dear Lisbeth
It's so unfair.. Your death was tough. You're the mother of my best friend, and you died before the age of 40. You died from cancer. A form of cancer that all young girls are being offered a vaccine against today. I've been vaccinated. So have your daughters.
I'm writing this letter to you, to let you know that you're really missed. Not only by the three children you left behind. Also by your husband and your friends.

My mum and you were dear friends. Your husband has moved on now. About time. It took years for him to get over the loss of his beloved wife, and mother of his children. He's got a girlfriend now. She's a good person, cause she knows and accepted that you were, and always will be the love of his life. She's nice. But now the deal isn't about your husband. It's more about Trine. Your oldest daughter. She really misses you. She has gone through some really tough times, and she has really been in the need of a mother. Last time I got to feel her pain of missing you so bad, was a night where she was sad. Very sad. She cried in my bed while looking at a picture of you. She really needs you at certain points.

I can't imagine going through the tough times of teenage without a mother. My mother has been a very important factor for me while being a fragile teenager. It scares me to think that Trine, my dearest friend had to go through that. But Trine is strong. Very strong. You have to be one hell of a hardass to do that! That's worth honoring.
So Lisbeth.. You've got some tough children. You did good. Really good.

Loving memories
Kiri Rehmeier

Hate

Dear blog

I hate all people in the entire world. I hate everyone.
I hope everyone dies - fast. Most of all myself.
I wish the earth would explode and vanish in a sea of flames.
That we would all be melted into little bobbles of death that would float into the universe. Reminding god of his stupidity of giving people emotions, when he clearly has non of his own.
I mean.. how lame is that?

Or maybe it's just me.

Untitled

Jeg kan ikke mere..

Slut. Færdig.

Survival

Survival.. It's a funny thing. We fight our whole lives for survival, though we all know, we are not gonna survive life anyway.

A wise man once said: "don't take life too serious, you're not gonna survive it anyway". I consider this a very wise quote. Do what you want to and have fun. Enjoy life - you only get one.
But another wise man told people to make something out of their lives, cause they would never get another. I do not know if you should fight to get a good and long life, or just live every day like there would be no tomorrow.
I do not know what would be the smartest thing.

Some say life is the largest gift you will ever get. What if I hate the fact that I got it?
What if I now wish not to be here? What if all I wanna be is....... Nothing? Gone? Air maybe?
Yes, I would like to be air. I wish that, when the next blow of the wind meets my skin, I would fade. Go along with the wind blow and be free.

Wait.. I think I just figured out what I want to..? I want to be free. I want to not be a prisoner in my own body and mind...

Pain without love

It's 02.15 AM

I'm still awake, and I am still numb. I have been numb for the last 20 hours.

I do not feel a thing. I think of everything that happened, and jet I still feel noting. Nothing at all.

A lot happened. Way too much. Good way to start my new year though - To get my head filled up with crap, bad words and more pain is always lovely.

In case you did not notice, that was irony.

I should be in my bed. Sleeping. I do not feel like it. I feel like.. Well, what the hell do I want? .... Nothing I guess. I feel like nothing. I guess you have to feel SOMETHING, to feel like doing something.

I want nothing. I don't wanna see nobody. I don't wanna hear anything.. not even music right now. I don't even wanna listen to the silence, but that is all that's left, when I do not want to listen to anything.

Silence..

Guess that's good right? Right.. I bet nobody in the country started this new year at bad as I did. I felt it all. Felt it burning in my chest. Felt the guilt, the pain, the suffer, the violence I put on other people. People I love. Just being here make others suffer. And not just ONE. Cause more happened that night. More. Like it wasn't enough, I had to be torn apart inside from other things too.

And now... I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anybody about my feelings, my experiences from that night, my broken heart and my broken soul. Nobody. Really. You'd think I always would have someone to talk to, but right now, I have not.

I figured.. that since I have no happiness in my life at all, my share of the world happiness must have gone to someone else. Well, at least that's what I hope. Cause just because I can't be happy, doesn't mean others can't get that little extra happiness, that should have gone to me.

You don't get it. You simply do not get it. You think you know it all, but you know nothing. Just get it.

This is not the end, this is not the beginning..

Let go of the year that has passed, and embrace the new year that is coming. .

The Sun

The sun.. Though it is painful to look at, I consider it one of the most beautiful sights in the world. Feeling the light in your eyes. The warmth in your body, and seeing the golden lines before your eyes, while half closed. The beauty of what gives life to the people. If only I could melt with it. Touch it. Burn up in flames, and feel the beauty, the life and everything that's true rush in my body. To feel alive just for one second, to die afterwords. Do something that is so selfish, but yet so true and pure. To get to feel the alliance between life and death. To finally get to know, what we spend our whole lives searching for - the true meaning of life. To realize that all we have been doing our whole lives, lead us to this particular moment where we realize that no matter what we had spend our lives doing, it wouldn't have made a difference. That we live once, and that we cannot have a do-over. All the choices we made. It lead us to the same place no matter if they were right or wrong, or whatever they would be considered.

Sne

Behøver det virkelig være sådan her?

Tjah.. For at være ærlig, kan jeg ikke forstå hvorfor der er folk i verden der kan lide sne. Jeg hader det. Jeg kan ikke forstå hvordan nogen kan synes at et landskab dækket af sne kan være smukkere end et landskab med grønt græs. Levende græs. At man kan synes død er smukkere end det levende. Sne er dødt. At nogle hellere vil se ud over et landskab dækket med død - Sne dræber. Alt det rører ved dør. Så snart der har lagt sig et lag sne ovenpå det levende grønne græs, så dør det? Hvordan kan det dog være smukt? Jeg forbander personligt sne langt væk. Jeg synes hverken det er flot, hyggeligt eller behageligt på nogen måde. De andre snakker om hvor skønt det er at sidde indenfor med en kop varm kakao når det sneer udenfor. Jeg forstår det ikke. Jeg vil hellere sidde inde med en kop kaffe mens det regner udenfor. Eller sidde ude i solen med en smøg og nyde at naturen lever omkring en. Med vinteren følger død. Alting dør. Alting ser en ende, og må bukke under for kulden. Både naturen... og mit humør. Det dør. De kolde morgener tager pusten fra mig, allerede før jeg står ud af sengen. At se på ruden som det første når du har slået vækkeuret fra, for så at opdage du intet kan se. At sneen har fanget dig i en lille klaustrofobisk verden. At sneen har lagt sig på dine vinduer, som et tegn på at du egentlig ikke bør bevæge dig uden for. Det taler til mig på denne måde. Ikke som noget hvirvlende smukt der flyder hjertet med glæde. Det fylder tværtimod mit hjerte med kulde, sorg og død. Jeg synes det er fantastisk at nogle mennesker kan finde glæde i dette, men det er uden min forståelse. Jeg forstår ikke hvordan man kan få alt det her til noget godt. Jeg kan ikke se det hyggelige i at sidde indenfor og kigge ud på at der falder små kolde stykker død ned fra himlen. At se verden blive dækket af et koldt følelsesløst lag af hvidt dræbende nedbør. Hvor ville jeg ønske at jeg kunne se på det som andre. Og ja, jeg ved da godt at naturen ikke dør som sådan, men nærmere går i dvale. Men hvorfor skal det levende og blomstrende gemme sig væk, for noget dødt? Hvorfor ikke liv? Frem for død. Jeg forstår det ikke. Nu er jeg sikkert heller ikke skapt til det Danske klima, men alligevel gør det mig så trist. At se alt det jeg elsker - alt det der for mig til at smile.. Krølle sig sammen og underkaste sig et lag af hvidt, koldt og tomt sne. At noget der rent faktisk har et liv skal træde til side for noget der ikke har. Det giver ikke mening i mit hoved.

Lige nu sidder jeg og kigger ud af mit vindue for hver sætning jeg skriver. Ser snefnugene lægge sig på mit vindue, på jorden og på taget. At noget udefra kommende, som er så lidt alligevel, kan berøve mig min lyst til at der overhovedet skal være en dag imorgen? - Det er virkelig sørgeligt. At noget, som for nogle virker så ligegyldigt, kan påvirke mig så forfærdeligt meget. Det smerter mig at se hvert snefnug lande. Jeg finder det deprimerende at skøjte rundt på vejen i bilen, på de glatte veje. At kigge ud af vinduet for at se at træerne står uden blade, men med et lille hvidt lag sne på hver gren. At kigge på naturen, og få indtrykket af at alle farver er forsvundet?

Jeg ser nok også anderledes på vinteren end de fleste andre. Jeg tænker lidt at jeg er en af de få der ser på sne som var det død, og derudover hader det så inderligt at jeg får lyst til at stoppe med at trække vejret hver gang jeg træder ud i den kolde luft. Tjah, jeg er nok bare en freak.

Enjoy the snow people! .. I know I won't

Et ønske

.. om intet

Jeg ønsker intet. Jeg ønsker ikke at leve, jeg ønsker ikke at dø. Jeg ønsker ikke at være, men heller ikke at være væk. Egentlig kan man vel sige at jeg ikke ønsker at føle. Jeg ønsker at være i en sovende tilstand hvor jeg hverken er lykkelig eller ulykkelig. Hvert sekund æder ulykken mig op indefra. Den brænder, det svider og lader alt positivt gå op i flammer.

Det føles som om der er et helved i mit bryst, og det gør ondt. Suger alt energi ud af det gode. Som at smide en levende og blomstrende gren på et blå, for så at se livet forsvinde ud af den. Blive fortæret og kvalt af ilden.

Lyst til at...

..Græde?

Jeg føler at alt er så langt væk, og alligevel så tæt på. At jeg ved det hele, men alligevel ingen anelse har. At jeg vil videre, men ikke magter at fortsætte. Jeg vil sove, men jeg vil ikke i seng. Jeg vil leve, men jeg vil bare sove. Jeg vil grine, men har lyst til at græde. Jeg har lyst til at græde, men der kommer ingen gråd. Hverken latter eller gråd fylder mit liv. Bare en følelsesløs ligegyldighed. En følelse af at det hele er presset ind i mit lille hjerte, og det hvert sekund føles som om det er så fyldt det kunne sprænge, og alligevel så tomt.

,, Det ene øjeblik er jeg sikker på hvad jeg gerne vil, det næste vil jeg ingenting. "

No one is as lucky as us

The danish people have been named the happiest nation in the world.

.. but at the same time, the danish people take more prozac than any other country in the world.

In Denmark there are a lot of people who feels like shit. Including me. I think of myself as a lucky person. It could have been so much worse? I could have been born in a nation at war right? We all could. We are actually pretty ungrateful. Well I am. In some peoples eyes, I have the most amazing life in the world. But I hate my life. I hate it because I feel like shit. I am in the statistic that makes Denmark the country in the world that takes the most prozac. I get by. But you are on prozac for a reason. I think it's awful thinking about the people in the world having a lot worse life than me. And I feel fucking bad about myself when I think about it. How much they would give to have a life like mine. And how I hate it.. I am so ungrateful. Shame on me.

Not like this is going to change anything. Just got to thinking about it.

" Fuck me once, shame on you. Fuck me twice, shame on me. "

- Samantha Jones

Waiting for the end - Linkin Park

This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violet rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something Thats invisible there, Cuz we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear Until we dead it, Forget it, Let it all dissapear. Waiting for the end to come Wishing I had strength to stand This is not what I had planned It's out of my control.... Flying at the speed of light Thoughts we're spinning in my head So many things were left unsaid It's hard to let you go... (Oh!) I know what it takes to move on, I know how it feels to lie, All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got Sitting in an empty room Trying to forget the past This was never meant to last, I wish it wasn't so... (Oh!) I know what it takes to move on,

I know how it feels to lie, All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what I haven't got What was left when that fire was gone? I thought it felt right but that right was wrong All caught up in the eye of the storm And trying to figure out what it's like moving on And i don't even know what kind of things I've said My mouth kept moving and my mind went dead So, picking up the pieces, now where to begin? The hardest part of ending Is starting again!! All I wanna do Is trade this life for something new Holding on to what i haven't got... This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violet rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em (Holding on to what i haven't got) We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something Thats invisible there, Coz we're living at the mercy of The pain and th fear Until we dead it, Forget it, Let it all dissapear (Holding on to what i haven't got!)

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Jeg hader mig selv. Jeg fucker altid op. Jeg ønsker ikke at leve længere.

.. fuck my life