Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 16

Something you always think "what if..." about?"

I think "what if..." about a lot of things. One I always think is "what if that didn't happen?" about everything. What if things had never changed? What if I was never bullied in middle school? What if I never went to the SPC? What if I was never born? Where would the people in my life be right now? What if I screamed right now? What if I said "......." right now? I always wonder what would have happened if I had said what I meant, instead of the things that I'm supposed to say (the few times where I do not express my honest opinion)

What if I had graduated last summer? Would I have gotten better by myself, or is it good that I moved and got into therapy? Would I have been able to get better without the knowledge I got from my therapy? I don't think I would, but I always wonder "what if..."

What if I told the entire truth? Most people often leave out parts of the truth. What if people actually knew, why I went to therapy? How would they look at me? Differently is what I'm afraid of. 

Nattens dødelighed

Når du hastigt falder hen i drømme
Ligger jeg med sanserne på spids
Din arm om mig og følelser så ømme
Ej en nat før har jeg følt mig så tilfreds
Drømmer jeg monstro allerede
Eller er det sandt at du er til stede

Et glip med øjnene når jeg kysser dig
Dit tag om mig bliver lidt fastere
Intet jeg skal nå før lyset når mig
Ud over havet er der intet der haster
Et hav a drømme drukner os to
Aldrig har jeg haft en drøm så god

Den forsigtige hævelse af dit bryst
Et vemodigt suk mod min nakke
Jeg er sårbar men her findes trøst
Nøgen dog tryg med dig som frakke
Angst at falde hen i øjeblikket denne
Et øjeblik perfekt burde aldrig ende

Et godnatkys summer på mine læber
Stop tiden nu, lad natten vare evigt
Ånder sort ind knytter dine hænder
Fredsommelighed i dit smukke ansigt
Som et pust af sommer sukker du
Har aldrig været mere i live end nu

Jeg kysser nænsomt din bløde mund
Inden disse grønne glasøjne lukker
Kærtegn på læberne så blød og rund
Små ryk mens bevidstheden slukker
Denne smukke tiltalende virkelighed
Morgen blotter nattens dødelighed


af Kiri Rehmeier
den 14. november 2012

Lay me down

It's over, I quit.

I'm about as lifeless as it gets

It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.

I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.

Why can't somebody else take my place.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.

I've written letters to the ones

I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.

I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew

Something I always thought I couldn't do.

But you don't know anything

That makes me feel life

Except making you bleed five times,

In one night.

You know you deserved it.

Acceptance

Am I the one misunderstanding or is there

something wrong with the world today?

Shouldn't I be able to live my life, the way 

I want to live it, without being judged by 

all other human beings passing by me?

I dream of breaking free evey night

Every day I am reminded that those 

beautiful pictures are just in my imagination.

People talk about life, as though there is 

only one way to live it, and those who stands

out are the outcast of our generation.

Why? Why does it have to be so hard just to

be you?

How come we never see people with 

"Free Hugs"-signs anymore? What is so 

wrong with wanting to give a little love?

Why is love a tabu in this country? Respect 

is all we ever talk about. Love is only brought

up in closed forums. What is the matter with 

the adults of our community? Where did

the love go? Maybe that is why evey third

marrige end in divorce. Because they marry 

out of respect in stead of love. Possible.

The divorce rate of gay marriages are much

lower - so why do people disguise gay marridge?

Because they actually know the true meaning 

Of marridge? 

I don't understand the adult generation today.

I just can't see how respect and traditions can

be more important than love and humanity.

Love is not a promise to god? It's a promise to

yourself and your partner. In my opinion

the youth have got it right in this one. They are 

more accepting of love and differences, than 

the older generations. Of course there are 

youngsters that doesn't accept either, and 

adults that do, but compared to each other, 

which is more accepting?

Crazy

I'm sitting in the train. It's like I'm in a trance. I can't think straight, and all I want is to smoke. What do I do? I calm myself down. How? I pull out my hair. I'm sitting with a huge pile of hair in my lap, and I don't want to throw it out. Because when you have to get rid of the evidence (the hair), you realise what you've done. Then I realise that people have been watching me for over an hour, while I was fully aware of it, but didn't care. They look at me like I'm crazy. I don.t bother, because while pulling I don't give a flying fuck about anything. It's like I'm floating and everything around me becomes quiet, and nothing is harmful. The feeling of the little white roots letting go of the follicle.. It's important to grab the hair by the roots just right, cause otherwise the hair will break, and the root doesn't come out, and the hair was wasted. That's how I feel. Unless you are a fellow sufferer from trichotillomania, you won't understand. I don't expect people to understand. I needed to write this for my own sake. Thank you.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

Fuckingshitfuckcrapshitfuckhelpcrapshitfuckfuckingfuck

I have so many things going through my head. I don't know how to get them out. Most of them are so dark, that I can't tell anyone. It's like.. I'd scare people. I do not wish to scare people, so I just keep all this shit to myself. It's either that, or worrying people, and I don't wanna be a burden.
I feel like. Theres only one person in the world who truly understands, and I can't be with her. She's busy and so far away.. And I feel like I'm dying without her. I hate this.
I'm useless. I can't do anything right. I'm gonna get kicked out of school soon, so I won't even have achieved anything during these three years of struggle. I just can't take it anymore!!

Frustration

I have an assignment. Big one. The last HUGE assignment at school. I'm stuck. I can't get any further. I'm not even close to finishing it. I have less than 24 hours to finish it.
If I don't make it I will kill myself.
I'm chain smoking because I'm so frustrated.. I don't know what to do.

I'm just not sure I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure I can do that.

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

Reasons to live

friends - family .. Parents and siblings in particular! - eating and enjoying it - smoking cigarettes - a nice cup of your favorite coffee - When strangers smiles at you for no reason - being told you're beautiful - falling in love - being loved - refusing to give up - music - lying in the grass - pets and animals - the few seconds where you actually feel comfortable with yourself - concerts - achievements - good sex - freedom - internet - twitter - poetry - dying - apple products - buying stuff you want - singing - getting drunk once in a while. - kids. - not feeling lonely. - nailpolish  - stilettos.  - tattoos  - piercings - getting a haircut and liking it - sleeping - lying down and listening to music - Linkin Park - dreaming - singing - festivals - getting high  - not feeling pain - feeling pain - sunshine - rain - jeans - cuddling - kissing - to dance - romantic moments - crisps - mum's mashed potatoes - daddy's pancakes - Baresso iceblends - creativity - painting and drawing - photographing - laughing - heels - the touch - lying in your bed, smelling the sheets which has just been washed and then hung out to dry in the summer breeze.

That's all for now. I might write some more in an up-following post.

- Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 14

A letter to someone you've drifted away from.

Dear André

We were like brother and sister once. We spend so many hours together when we were kids. We both had a fantasy which could bring the most of fun out of nothing. All the countless hours of playing in the garden with the little ones. Hide and seek, jumping on the trampoline, imaginary games, and swimming in the pool. Those childhood memories..

When you got sick, I spend countless hours worrying for you. Back then I looked at you as my brother, and watching you in pain was hard. After all we were just kids. I remember the party you threw when you had your last medication - I kissed you on the cheek, and I was so happy. So happy you wouldn't believe it. Unfortunately from that day on, we began to see each other less and less.

I often wondered how you were. How far you'd come in your life. I hadn't spoken with you for years, before Judas came along. We talked a little, and I found out how far you've come. I know it sounds corny to say that I'm proud, but I am. I think it's fantastic to see how far you've come. I'm glad that you're doing good. Really glad.

Rock on bro
Kiri Rehmeier

Det er om ikke at tænke

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Lige nu.. Drejer mit liv sig om ikke at tænke. Hvis jeg tænker dybt nok, bliver jeg ked af det, og helt ærligt så kan jeg ikke magte det. Jeg holder mig så vidt muligt igang. Besøger venner. Hører musik der gør mig glad. Drikker mig i hegnet. Jo tak. Sådan skal det gøres når man ikke tager den hårde måde. Nogle gange kan jeg selfølgelig ikke undgå at tænke på det, men jeg forsøger at holde det overfladisk. Så det ikke gør så ondt. Skal være stiv imorgen. Med de skønne mennesker fra Vejen. <3
Jeg ved ikke hvad jeg skulle gøre uden Nicklas. han har redet mit liv så mange gange, og denne gang gør han det sku glædeligt igen. Han har et hjerte af guld. Virkelig. Hvis alle havde en ven som ham, ville verden være et meget bedre sted.

Midnat - natten til den 4. maj 2010

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Der er alt for mange ting der er usagte.. Du fortæller mig ikke alt, selvom der er et krav jeg tidligere har stilt. Jeg er angst.. Angst for at miste dig. Angst for at blive såret.. Igen. Ingen kan såre mig som du kan, og det ved du. Jeg beroliger mig selv hver dag. Forsøger at komme ned på jorden igen og få et nogenlunde stabilt fodfæste. Jeg kæmper hårdt. På at glemme, fortrænge, skubbe tanker væk og ikke mindst for at stole på dig. Det er virkelig svært! Det håber jeg du forstår. Tilliden er meget langsomt ved at blive opbygget igen - selvom du ikke kæmper sønderligt for det, og så nytter det bare ikke at du ikke fortæller mig hvad det er der foregår. Hvis der ikke foregår noget, hvorfor er du så bange for at fortælle det? Jeg håber på at du kan klare den lange ventetid, og den hårde kamp, der kommer før at jeg igen stoler på dig.. Ofte tvivler jeg. Kan du klare det?

Spørgsmål..

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Jeg sidder for mig selv og jeg tænker.. jeg undre mig, og stiller et spørgsmål. Et spørgsmål, ikke rettet mod noget, bare ud i den blå luft..

Hvorfor er HVER DAG en LORTEdag?

Fml

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Jeg hader mig selv. Jeg fucker altid op. Jeg ønsker ikke at leve længere.

.. fuck my life