Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 17

"Something that you're proud of"

If there is something that I'm proud of, it's my girls. Kristina and Mette, we've been close friends for a long time, and I love them so dearly. We've been through so much together, and I couldn't be more proud, than when I see how far they've come! Trust me, I've seen them both at their lowest and I've been there through it all, and I feel like I've watched flowers bloom after a long long winter. I've seen two people go from surviving to living, and if that isn't worth being proud of, I can't think of anything that is. 

These girls are the greatest people I've ever met. I've never met such honest, loving, supportive people as them, and they have the biggest hearts. Hearts so large to stay by my side while I was in the same place, even though they had their own problems, they were there for me - all the way. 

It's been a hell of a ride, but I've seen these two women transform. It's been like watching night turn into day, looking at them is like looking at the most beautiful sunrise. I've held them while they cried, I've listed when they opened their hearts, and I've found friends for life. I am so glad we took this journey together, cause I don't think any of us could have made it on our own. This leaves me without a doubt to the conclusion, that I am never gonna give up on the friendship that I have with them. I am gonna try, for the rest of my life, to repay these two, and help them as much as I can - Because they helped me save myself. (Oh god I'm crying and getting really emotional here..)

I am so proud. Of all of us. We made it girls. We made it out of the darkness. And together we are greater. ❤

Blog challenge day 16

Something you always think "what if..." about?"

I think "what if..." about a lot of things. One I always think is "what if that didn't happen?" about everything. What if things had never changed? What if I was never bullied in middle school? What if I never went to the SPC? What if I was never born? Where would the people in my life be right now? What if I screamed right now? What if I said "......." right now? I always wonder what would have happened if I had said what I meant, instead of the things that I'm supposed to say (the few times where I do not express my honest opinion)

What if I had graduated last summer? Would I have gotten better by myself, or is it good that I moved and got into therapy? Would I have been able to get better without the knowledge I got from my therapy? I don't think I would, but I always wonder "what if..."

What if I told the entire truth? Most people often leave out parts of the truth. What if people actually knew, why I went to therapy? How would they look at me? Differently is what I'm afraid of. 

Confession

I can't feel myself, really can't feel shit,

My throat is dry, is my cigarette even lit?

So empty inside,

Awake all night.

I light another smoke for my loneliness,

My suffering, suffocation and unhappiness.

No energy left,

To stop breathing.

Should I really wait until I'm cracked,

Or die with my pride still attached?

 Like an itch that you can't scratch,

A pain inside, impossible to snatch.

To carry on pretending,

Until the bitter ending.

Throat so sore I just can't swallow,

Crying inside from eyes so hollow.

Save me,

Rescue me.

Seeking satisfaction in a material thing, 

Couldn't care less what people think.

Words are my escaping, digging up the dirt.

But they are too small to describe this hurt.

Hands in the air,

Surrender, don't you dare.

Life is real, but I wish it was fiction,

Finding release through a hurtful addiction.

Feeling so neglected,

Alive but disconnected.

We all have to learn and memorize the lesson,

I did, and you just read my confession.

by Kiri Rehmeier 07/10/12

Can't find my way home

I'm on the train on my way home to Copenhagen. I have just entered the last hour of a 5,5 hour long train ride. I'm not really tired.. Just bored.
I really don't want to go home to my basement. Living in the basement is fine. I'm just so isolated, and I'm doing it to myself. Because I don't want to be upstairs. I don't like it. I feel cold and uncomfortable. But the deal is... I don't know where I would rather be. No place feels like home. It haunts me every day. The feeling of.. Being misplaced. Not being home. Not even knowing where home is anymore. Just sad. Sick of yourself. Sick of the person I am.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

Missing loner

Lying in the dark. I feel so alone. I'm lonely every day. Since I moved I've started feeling more alone than ever. I miss people. I miss my friends, I miss my cat, I miss my mum! I miss my mum so much... I miss having coffee with her. Laughing with her.. I miss having her around when I'm sad. I'm sad a lot, and I miss her so much.. Pathetic? Maybe. But at least I'm mature enough to admit it..

My days are empty. I have do purpose at the moment. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm shit.

Fuckingshitfuckcrapshitfuckhelpcrapshitfuckfuckingfuck

I have so many things going through my head. I don't know how to get them out. Most of them are so dark, that I can't tell anyone. It's like.. I'd scare people. I do not wish to scare people, so I just keep all this shit to myself. It's either that, or worrying people, and I don't wanna be a burden.
I feel like. Theres only one person in the world who truly understands, and I can't be with her. She's busy and so far away.. And I feel like I'm dying without her. I hate this.
I'm useless. I can't do anything right. I'm gonna get kicked out of school soon, so I won't even have achieved anything during these three years of struggle. I just can't take it anymore!!

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

12 Days..

Honestly.. I never liked Medina. I still don't. But this song just describes a time in my life so perfectly. Exactly my words, just said with a voice that doesn't belong to me. But here it goes:

So.. If the person whom this is dedicated to ever listens to this, and reads this.. Well just listen. And then please call me.

Speechless

I have no idea what to say.. It surprises me.. I have no idea what to think.. I think about it all the time.. When I think of it, it's like I can't breathe. Not sure if it's because of sadness or happiness. I just know there's some anxiety in it. I get anxious when I think of it. I am not sure what I should think. Should I fear or should I hope? Or both? Should I try or should I give up? Should I smile or should I cry? Should I even care?
Something in me tells me not to even bother - but deep down I can't deny that I care. I care a lot. But I'm not sure rather I even want to care. It's all questionable.

Unpredictable

There is a song that reminds me of you 

I cannot help but sing along with the radio 

We are both in hell you and I 

Burning in the flames of pain 

And I wonder if we will all turn to ashes 

But they say there is no gain without the pain

Oh I feel for you my love, I feel 
You make me feel something 
Alive you might even say 
Like an awakening from the hell I am in 
And I wonder when you are gonna leave next 
Fly away and let me return to death
 










I feel like a zombie, like a living dead 
Cannot escape the fact that I can't feel you 
Just stretch my arms and reach you 
It's a dream I cannot deny is real at night 
I wish that sometimes I would cross your mind 
But even that is a hope I have to let die
 








There is a song that reminds me of you 
Whenever it plays a fire starts in my heart 
I could never tell you how I long for your kiss 
Cause your reaction I cannot predict 
I am so scared, so scared I might lose you 
Like the things we lost in the fire
 





The fire inside my heart














by Kiri Rehmeier ©
2011-10-14

Oh lord...

Have you ever woken up, then wished you hadn't? That you could just fall asleep and never wake up again? How about waking up, go to the mirror and think: "This is gonna be another sucky day."? ... Yes, I'm having one of those days today. Gonna drive to school now. Cya...

Poem

Leaking eyes

Hey, it's okay - The show is still on,
And it'll start again at the break of dawn.
Happiness seems so unachievable,
But from now on I am invulnerable.
It's a battlefield out there - and this is war,
But it's all right, I've got unbreakable armor.
Protecting myself the best I've learned,
Despite the bridges that I have burned.
But behind this shiny helmed hides,
My swollen red leaking eyes.

Who's a friend and who's the enemy?
While we wander around dreadfully.
Hiding in the shadow of faking smiles,
Trust nobody! It's all cheat and lies.
We must be strong - we have to fight,
Though it's hard at 3 o'clock in the night.
We must struggle and overcome this trial,
But the truth is we remain in this denial.
But at this point I cannot compromise,
For my hollow dead leaking eyes.

Truth be told; No one's gonna suffer for you,
Nor will anybody see your flaws through.
Honestly spoken we are all little loners,
Independent souls without any owners.
Tell the world that I can cope alone,
'Cause I can survive all on my own.
At times it is hard to face another dawn,
While wishing it would all just get gone.
Piece by piece my lonely heart dies,
And you can see it in my leaking eyes.

- © Kiri Rehmeier

Random no. 1

I have trouble sleeping. I don't understand how I can possibly turn night into day. Mum says it's alway been like that.

I went to see my grandma today. She's 90 years old. She's usually talking about how bad she wants to die. She's depressive - like me, but mostly in the winter. She's too old to do stuff, and she has been alone since grandpa died, ten years ago.
But today she was different. She laughed and really enjoyed our company.

She was especially glad to see me. She hasn't seen me since Christmas. And before that it was more than a year. I'm pretty ashamed of that. The reason I don't come along with my family, when they go to visit her, is that I can't stand hearing the suicidal talk. I can't stand that my grandma says things like that. They might as well could have come from my mouth..? I can't take that.

She told me and my sister not to smoke. My grandma smoked for 60 years and then stopped. She's been cranky ever since xD Gonna continue trying to sleep now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location: Vinderup,Danmark

..

Life is shit. 'Noff said..

It's all in our heads

Blog 10.01.2011

Going to the doctors on Wednesday. About my anti depresses. Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever gonna get off those pills. Most people who suffer from depression, only really suffer from the full effect for two years tops. But that's just most of the coincidence.
I have been suffering from depression for 4 years now, and I do not see any signs of recovery at the moment. Some would say that I brought this on my self, and that it is entirely my own fault that I am not getting better. That's a lie. I really work hard every day to get well. It's a battle that require all my powers, and therefor, sometimes I do not have any powers left to do my homework after a day with a lot of hard struggling.

I do not ask for much. Not even for people to understand how I feel. Just for people to let it go, and trust that I know what I'm doing. I know when it's right for me to stat indoor, and I know when I'm about to get an anxiety attack, so sometimes I skip school, because I know it is going to happen. Better staying home than go to school and end up in the toilet crying and shaking. I know what I'm doing.
Just trust me. 

- Kiri Rehmeier

Pain without love

It's 02.15 AM

I'm still awake, and I am still numb. I have been numb for the last 20 hours.

I do not feel a thing. I think of everything that happened, and jet I still feel noting. Nothing at all.

A lot happened. Way too much. Good way to start my new year though - To get my head filled up with crap, bad words and more pain is always lovely.

In case you did not notice, that was irony.

I should be in my bed. Sleeping. I do not feel like it. I feel like.. Well, what the hell do I want? .... Nothing I guess. I feel like nothing. I guess you have to feel SOMETHING, to feel like doing something.

I want nothing. I don't wanna see nobody. I don't wanna hear anything.. not even music right now. I don't even wanna listen to the silence, but that is all that's left, when I do not want to listen to anything.

Silence..

Guess that's good right? Right.. I bet nobody in the country started this new year at bad as I did. I felt it all. Felt it burning in my chest. Felt the guilt, the pain, the suffer, the violence I put on other people. People I love. Just being here make others suffer. And not just ONE. Cause more happened that night. More. Like it wasn't enough, I had to be torn apart inside from other things too.

And now... I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anybody about my feelings, my experiences from that night, my broken heart and my broken soul. Nobody. Really. You'd think I always would have someone to talk to, but right now, I have not.

I figured.. that since I have no happiness in my life at all, my share of the world happiness must have gone to someone else. Well, at least that's what I hope. Cause just because I can't be happy, doesn't mean others can't get that little extra happiness, that should have gone to me.

You don't get it. You simply do not get it. You think you know it all, but you know nothing. Just get it.

Digt ..

Husk det ..

Jeg er så udmattet,

bare lad mig ligge ned.

Har endnu ikke fattet,

hvorfor fanden jeg er så ked?

For mange lukkede døre,

er der ingen der hører mig råbe?

Jeg taler til døve ører,

men jeg bliver ved med at håbe.

På trods af min unge alder,

har jeg været for meget igennem.

Men jeg rejser mig når jeg falder,

også selvom jeg hader verdenen.

Jeg fortsætter trods det er hårdt,

for andre vil jeg det hellere gemme.

Mit liv er nok det værste lort,

og det får jeg ikke lov at glemme.

By Kiri Rehmeier ©

17/12 - 2010

10 ting du kan gøre når du er trist

Yes. Nu har jeg besluttet mig for at skrive et indlæg om de ting jeg har erfaret at der kan hjælpe lidt når man er trist, deprimeret og hvad folk nu ellers kalder det. Da jeg selv lider af depression, har jeg tit brug for den slags ting, og derfor tænkte jeg at jeg ville dele dem med jer (: ..

1. Stilletter ..

- Det kan godt være der er mange der forbinder det med noget hollywood pjat, men tro det eller ej. At hoppe i ens yndlings stilletter når man har det skidt, kan altså gøre godt. Som der bliver sagt i filmen "I Dine Sko", så er det jo ikke altid at tøjet sidder pænt på en, så den er ikke sikker hver gang. Sko passer altid. Så at kigge ned på ens fødder, som man oftest synes er grimme, for så at se dem i de lækreste stilletter, kan altså hive humøret op engang imellem. For uanset hvor galt det nu går dig, så sidder de sku stadig lige så perfekt på din fod som de plejer.

2. Ben & Jerry's ..

- Den dyreste, men også bedste is i verden. Nogle gange har man fanme fortjent en skefuld af himlen. 52 kr. for en halv liter top-kvalitets is, I know; det er hammer dyrt. Men har du først smagt Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough, så er du bare solgt. Aller yndlings. <3

3. The art of BITCHING ..

- Jep, hvis der er noget der giver afløb på dine følelser, så er det at fucking bitche over det der er galt. At forklare lige præcis hvem, hvad og hvorfor du hader. Simpelthen uddybe hvad det er der går dig på, hvorfor det gør det, og hvorfor fanden det ikke bare kan gøre det sådan her i stedet. At få afløb for nogle af de negative følelser du render rundt med. Det er bedre at få dem ud hen af vejen i stedet for at du pludselig eksploderer den dag du har for mange af dem.

4. Drik det væk ..

- Denne metode bør ikke anvendes for tit, da det kan fører ud i alkoholisme, men en gang i mellem er det fanme rart at koble af, og bare drikke hjernen ud. Skide på at det der er træls og bare fyrer den af i stedet for. Feste med de venner man holder mest af, og drikke sig i hegnet.

5. Smøg ..

- For alle rygere, naturligvis. At stå der og tænkte "Jeg har det af helvedes til, skolen er lort, vennerne er lort, familien er lort, JEG er lort!" Jeg tager mig en smøg! At lade stresset blive udåndet med den bløde grå røg. Lad det opløses i luften og forsvinde. Nyd en dejlig smøg og lad dig selv mærke hvordan nikotinen lindre den stressede følelse indeni.

6. Tud ..

- Smid dig på din seng og græd. Sæt dit depri musik på og bare tud til du ikke kan mere. Luk alt det lort du har indeni, ud gennem dine tårerkanaler. Ring til en ven og tud evt. til vedkommende. Eller simpelthen bare græd til du ikke længere føler nogen mening i det. Det letter trykket, og kan gøre underværker ind imellem.

7. Løb en tur ..

- Jeg ved det. Når man har det skidt virker en løbetur FULDSTÆNDIG uoverskuelig! Men tro mig.. Når du kommer ud i den friske luft, og i lyset så er der bare noget i dit sind der letter. Det er pisse svært at tage skridtet ud af døren, fordi man ikke magter det for en skid. Men når man kommer tilbage har det bare gjort så meget mere godt end ondt. Det ved vi jo alle, det er bare ikke så tit vi kan tage os sammen. Men det er det værd.

8. SEX !!

- Ja, i hørte rigtigt! Knep det væk! Næsten samme princip med at drikke sorgerne væk. Tag en ordenlig tur med kæresten. Lad være med at bekymrer dig om at trække maven ind eller andre ting der muligvis flyver igennem dit hoved. Gør det godt for dig selv, han skal nok gøre det godt for sig selv - det behøver i ikke begge to prøve at opnå hele tiden. Sex udløser neuroner i hjernen der frigiver glædes stoffer, og sex virker 20 gange bedre end lykkepiller.

9. Sov ..

- Lig dig i din seng. Sæt musik på, hvis du falder bedre i søvn med musik. Læg dig til at sove en time eller to. Eller til den lyse morgen om nødvendigt. Det jeg har erfaret der virker bedst når jeg er deprimeret, er at ligge mig til at sove, for så føles det lidt som en ny start når jeg vågner. Om jeg kun har sovet en time, så er det der skete før jeg gik i seng længere væk end det ville føles som, hvis jeg ikke havde sovet. Søvn giver afstand til det dårligt, og det kan vi alle have brug for en gang imellem.

10. Musik ..

- Sæt dit yndlingsmusik på. Hvis du er i dårligt humør så lad være med at sid og lyt til "behind blue eyes" med limp biscuit. Lyt i stedet til en sang der får dig i bedre humør. "Erik Olaf Andersen" med John Mogensen for eksempel! Eller "fut i fejemøget"? Det er jo dumt at hører depri musik når du gerne vil have det bedre. Der er så meget dejlig musik der giver et smil på læben. Find det der virker for dig.