Update #3

I hate being here. To be honest I'm just here because I can't bare getting kicked out again. As if it wasn't bad enough the first time, I sure as hell won't have to go through it again. I've already had enough no-shows... Guess there's still some anxiety I haven't worked through yet. I feel so stupid all the time when I'm here. As soon as I walk into this building it's like I've been muted. I don't have a voice. I don't know any of the answers, no matter the question asked. I become stupid. Every day I'm here I wish I hadn't showed up. It's painful being the new girl... I don't know anyone, and it scares me. The only good thing about this school is that nobody knows me.
I could make it easier on myself by doing my homework, but honestly.. When I get home from school the first thing I do is throw myself on the bed and tell myself it's okay. That showing up was enough. Why is this so easy for everyone else? I don't think I'm being lazy, cause this is not due to laziness. I'm just tired. I am so god damn tired when I get home. So god damn tired.

Blog challenge day 20

"Your fears"

I am diagnosed with anxiety, so I have many fears. I'm just gonna mention some of my phobias, because they are less personal.

Clowns
I am terrified of clowns, and a few years back I went to the circus with my smaller siblings and a friend. My friend held me while they were on stage, and when they went out to the audience, I cried like I was about to be brutally murdered. I hate clowns, they are so scary. The worst clown is the McDonalds clown, because it is a clown and it stands for a company that I find repulsing. End of it.

People in full body costumes with masks
You know, like the ones running around in Disneyland. A huge teddy bear or a Mickey Mouse can scare me to death. My friends know this and they usually hold me, while walking a big circle around them on the street.. While I'm hyperventilating and halfway crying. I hate it and it is embarrassing, but that's what I'm afraid of.

Losing
My greatest fear is losing a loved one. Nothing can terrify me like the thought of losing my friends, sisters or parents. I love them so much and I don't know how I'd get by without them. I am just very awful at losing.

Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Missing loner

Lying in the dark. I feel so alone. I'm lonely every day. Since I moved I've started feeling more alone than ever. I miss people. I miss my friends, I miss my cat, I miss my mum! I miss my mum so much... I miss having coffee with her. Laughing with her.. I miss having her around when I'm sad. I'm sad a lot, and I miss her so much.. Pathetic? Maybe. But at least I'm mature enough to admit it..

My days are empty. I have do purpose at the moment. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm shit.

I have trich.

I have a confession. I have been trich'ing for hours straight now, and I haven't found the strength to stop until now. I just thought I'd tell you a little something about a thing that I'm dealing with right now. I have Trichotillomania. In case that doesn't ring a bell, it is classified as an impulse control disorder. It is basically a compulsive urge to pull your own hair out.

Now the second sentence of this post suddenly make sense. Yes. I have been sitting for hours straight and pulled my own hair out of my scalp. Crazy? Maybe. I am not the one to judge. I know for a fact that this is an illness, but that it is something I am in control of myself. But since when is that uncommon? We see it all the time!
Anorexia: Start eating - Bulimia: Stop purging - Obesety: Lose weight - Depression: Smile - Self harm: Stop hurting yourself.
This is to prove a point - it isn't something you can just stop, and or, start doing - Okay? People think "Why do you do that? Stop it." Well wow! You can't just tell a bulimic to stop purging from one day to another can you? Tell an anorexic to start eating? NO GOD DAMNIT! So what is it people don't understand? You can't just stop this either! Mental health is not something you get by just snapping your fingers! AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT YOU JUST TELL ME TO STOP DOING IT, OR THAT I NEED TO STOP!!

So.. I have been pulling my hair in many different ways since I was a child. The earliest memory I have of myself doing it, was in fourth grade. I was 10 years old, sitting at my table in class. I remember playing with my hair and not being able to stop. I just wanted to feel it between my fingers. So I kept playing with it. This went on for years, but then I stopped. It has been on and off since then. I stopped again when I was 17 I think, and didn't do it for about two years. Then I relapsed and now I am doing it again. Only this time I googled it, and found out that it is actually a disease, and not just a bad habit that you can just get rid of, just like that. I wanted to spread the word, because not many people know about this illness. It is more common than you realize. And much more serious than it seems. Having to deal with the hairloss, the shame, trance, people pointing it out, the questions, covering up, but most of all the urge. It sucks. Trichotillomania truly fucking sucks. And it's nothing to make fun of.

I trust my readers, therefore I trust you with this deep deep confession of mine.
I was crying when I wrote this. 

Brighter lights in Copenhagen

A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. Yes, I got kicked out of school. My principle put me on hold for the year out, saying I could take third year over again. Like that's gonna happen. Two weeks after my big breakdown, I made a decision. A huge decision that was gonna turn my life upside down. I decided to move away from home. I moved to the opposite side of the country. I now live in a basement room below my sister and her boyfriend's apartment. I moved from the countryside to the capital. Yes, I now live in Copenhagen.
It was a big decision, but I cannot say it was a hard decision to make. I had nothing left to do in Jutland. I lost everything. The only thing that made me get up in the morning. After getting kicked out of school, I slept for days. I cried, slept, woke up, went to the bathroom, slept, woke up, cried, ate, went back to sleep.. I couldn't get myself to face the reality, so I just slept. I slept to keep away the pain.
My sister suggested that I could come and move in with her and her boyfriend. I had to think about it, cause it was a big decision in the middle of my chaotic state of mind. I did it. I moved.
When I first got here, my sister and I started looking for jobs for me. The first day I went out with job applications I was nervous. I handed over 6 applications that day. The next day I went out there again, and while handing over my 7th application I was offered a jobinterview right away. Sure I thought, and guess what - I got the job. Right then and there. I'm starting this week. I am a substitute at a kindergarden. I'm gonna work with small children. I am so glad. 2 weeks after getting kicked out of school, I had a job AND a place to live in Copenhagen.
We are renovating the basement I am going to live in. Today I finished painting all of the walls, and tomorrow we are going to paint the floor. THEN I'll be ready to move my stuff in, and we'll be going to IKEA on friday, to find me some new furniture. I've never been to IKEA before, so that's gonna be exiting.

Oh, and by the way... I'm going to a Simple Plan concert tomorrow!!! I'm so exited!! I love them! - the only con about it is, that I am going to the concert alone. Non of my friends like the music I like, and the once that do, doesn't have any money or don't have the time or whatever excuse.

That was all for this time, hope to update you guys soon again. This is a post written on a sleepless night. It's 2 AM, so I better try to sleep. Cya guys.

A 50/50 chance

In 20 minutes I have a meeting with my principal. There's a 50/50 chance that I'm getting kicked out of school. I am so scared. I swear I am so scared I could shit my pants. The odds are low, and I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure what's best. I just don't wanna take 3rd year over again. I won't do that. If I get kicked out, I'm out of business, but god damnit, I'm not sure I can handle it. I hate this. So nervous.
I'll let you know when I'm done at the meeting.

Find me on twitter for instant check-ups. @KiriRehmeier

Frustration

I have an assignment. Big one. The last HUGE assignment at school. I'm stuck. I can't get any further. I'm not even close to finishing it. I have less than 24 hours to finish it.
If I don't make it I will kill myself.
I'm chain smoking because I'm so frustrated.. I don't know what to do.

I'm just not sure I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure I can do that.

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

Speechless

I have no idea what to say.. It surprises me.. I have no idea what to think.. I think about it all the time.. When I think of it, it's like I can't breathe. Not sure if it's because of sadness or happiness. I just know there's some anxiety in it. I get anxious when I think of it. I am not sure what I should think. Should I fear or should I hope? Or both? Should I try or should I give up? Should I smile or should I cry? Should I even care?
Something in me tells me not to even bother - but deep down I can't deny that I care. I care a lot. But I'm not sure rather I even want to care. It's all questionable.

Night of the thousand dead frogs

Last night was the night of the thousand dead frogs.
The rain fell so hard it washed away all the dry dust.
The entire road had a huge smudge of water on it.
I went out driving while it was raining in the dark.
The rainfall was the only sound in the silent night.
Darkness only disturbed by the headlights of my car.
A ride where white meets black right there in front.
A landscape only decorated by lines of tears from above.
Raindrops falling so hard the wipers cannot keep up.
The wind fighting a struggle to sweep you off the road.
A fox crosses the road while looking like a starving cat.
The distance seems to grow longer for every mile.
The destination seems further away than it did at first.
Water is lying on the road making a miniature flood.
The flood leaves the frogs to try and save their lives.
The road so full of water that the frogs swim across.
Tires loosing grip of the road makes it hard to brake.
Blindness in the dark leaves the frogs to get run over.
Driving slow to notice every little thing coming up.
Seeing dead frogs floating around on the rainy road.
People thinking nobody would go out in this weather.
Recklessly they skate the road slipping when turning.
The radio drowning in the sounds of falling raindrops.
All blinded by the white headlights of oncoming cars.
The black night is the long dark tunnel which you're in.
Suddenly disturbed by a white light coming towards you.

- by Kiri Rehmeier 

Midnat - natten til den 4. maj 2010

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Der er alt for mange ting der er usagte.. Du fortæller mig ikke alt, selvom der er et krav jeg tidligere har stilt. Jeg er angst.. Angst for at miste dig. Angst for at blive såret.. Igen. Ingen kan såre mig som du kan, og det ved du. Jeg beroliger mig selv hver dag. Forsøger at komme ned på jorden igen og få et nogenlunde stabilt fodfæste. Jeg kæmper hårdt. På at glemme, fortrænge, skubbe tanker væk og ikke mindst for at stole på dig. Det er virkelig svært! Det håber jeg du forstår. Tilliden er meget langsomt ved at blive opbygget igen - selvom du ikke kæmper sønderligt for det, og så nytter det bare ikke at du ikke fortæller mig hvad det er der foregår. Hvis der ikke foregår noget, hvorfor er du så bange for at fortælle det? Jeg håber på at du kan klare den lange ventetid, og den hårde kamp, der kommer før at jeg igen stoler på dig.. Ofte tvivler jeg. Kan du klare det?