Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 13

"Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it"

I've spent way too much time on trying to lose weight. I've been really sick. I've been treated for it 3 different places and believe it or not, I used to be thin. It was never enough back then. But eventually I had enough. I got better. I stopped caring. I still thought about it for years after. Now I've just accepted the way I look, cause I know that even though I have enormous thighs, a huge ass and a badass muffin-top, I'm still sexy as hell. I realize that now, but I didn't back then. Back then I was striving for perfection, but now I've realized that nothing is perfect, that perfect is a stupid concept, and an illusion.

I wouldn't have learned to accept my body without the influence my former partners had. The compliments of a boyfriend means everything, and boosts the self esteem, and my boyfriends have been good at complimenting my body. Eventually my views on body image changed big time, and I realized that I think curves are beautiful. I love women with hips, thighs that touch and wiggle when they walk and an ass that's big enough to smack hard without knocking the bitch over! That is hot. Why go out and shake it, if it ain't shaking?

And a guys body doesn't have to be covered in visible muscles, huge guns and an eightpack. I like slim guys better, because I think the slim triangle shape with a tiny ass and wide shoulders is beautiful. A beautiful backside, that you just wanna jump and bite till you leave marks. Damn that shit is sexy as hell. 

So yeah, basically.. I like my body. I know I'm sexy. I'm curvy and I like it, and I'm not alone in that opinion. 

I have trich.

I have a confession. I have been trich'ing for hours straight now, and I haven't found the strength to stop until now. I just thought I'd tell you a little something about a thing that I'm dealing with right now. I have Trichotillomania. In case that doesn't ring a bell, it is classified as an impulse control disorder. It is basically a compulsive urge to pull your own hair out.

Now the second sentence of this post suddenly make sense. Yes. I have been sitting for hours straight and pulled my own hair out of my scalp. Crazy? Maybe. I am not the one to judge. I know for a fact that this is an illness, but that it is something I am in control of myself. But since when is that uncommon? We see it all the time!
Anorexia: Start eating - Bulimia: Stop purging - Obesety: Lose weight - Depression: Smile - Self harm: Stop hurting yourself.
This is to prove a point - it isn't something you can just stop, and or, start doing - Okay? People think "Why do you do that? Stop it." Well wow! You can't just tell a bulimic to stop purging from one day to another can you? Tell an anorexic to start eating? NO GOD DAMNIT! So what is it people don't understand? You can't just stop this either! Mental health is not something you get by just snapping your fingers! AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT YOU JUST TELL ME TO STOP DOING IT, OR THAT I NEED TO STOP!!

So.. I have been pulling my hair in many different ways since I was a child. The earliest memory I have of myself doing it, was in fourth grade. I was 10 years old, sitting at my table in class. I remember playing with my hair and not being able to stop. I just wanted to feel it between my fingers. So I kept playing with it. This went on for years, but then I stopped. It has been on and off since then. I stopped again when I was 17 I think, and didn't do it for about two years. Then I relapsed and now I am doing it again. Only this time I googled it, and found out that it is actually a disease, and not just a bad habit that you can just get rid of, just like that. I wanted to spread the word, because not many people know about this illness. It is more common than you realize. And much more serious than it seems. Having to deal with the hairloss, the shame, trance, people pointing it out, the questions, covering up, but most of all the urge. It sucks. Trichotillomania truly fucking sucks. And it's nothing to make fun of.

I trust my readers, therefore I trust you with this deep deep confession of mine.
I was crying when I wrote this. 

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

Letter Challenge Day 16

Someone that’s not in your state/country


Dear Manca


How is everything in Slovenia? How is it going with that boy who completely fucked you over but turned out to be quite okay?
Congratulations on your weight loss! It's so amazing how you lost 10 lbs in just a few weeks! You truly know how to do it, I gotta admit that I'm jealous. 
Hope you're doing great, and to get a respond fast. 


xoxo love
Kiri Rehmeier

Reasons to live

friends - family .. Parents and siblings in particular! - eating and enjoying it - smoking cigarettes - a nice cup of your favorite coffee - When strangers smiles at you for no reason - being told you're beautiful - falling in love - being loved - refusing to give up - music - lying in the grass - pets and animals - the few seconds where you actually feel comfortable with yourself - concerts - achievements - good sex - freedom - internet - twitter - poetry - dying - apple products - buying stuff you want - singing - getting drunk once in a while. - kids. - not feeling lonely. - nailpolish  - stilettos.  - tattoos  - piercings - getting a haircut and liking it - sleeping - lying down and listening to music - Linkin Park - dreaming - singing - festivals - getting high  - not feeling pain - feeling pain - sunshine - rain - jeans - cuddling - kissing - to dance - romantic moments - crisps - mum's mashed potatoes - daddy's pancakes - Baresso iceblends - creativity - painting and drawing - photographing - laughing - heels - the touch - lying in your bed, smelling the sheets which has just been washed and then hung out to dry in the summer breeze.

That's all for now. I might write some more in an up-following post.

- Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 13

A letter to someone you wish could forgive you.

Dear ED

We were the best of friends for years, and I spend all my time with you - every waken hour. At first you seemed like the answer to all my problems, and we had our little secrets. We did everything together, and every time you were a little distant, I kept thinking these thoughts no matter what situation I was in: "What would Ana do?" "What would Ana say?" .. I did it all because you meant so much, and I didn't ever wanna let you down. For years I did everything I could to make you happy.. But the thing is Mia-Ana... You were never happy? And since you we're never happy, I was never happy. Your feelings affected me so much, they became my feelings. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I just want to give it all up, ask you for forgiveness and be friends again. But I know better now.

I spend 4 years of my life trying to make you happy. It took me 4 years to figure out the fact that it was YOU who made me miserable. The truth is that you stole my life. My youth. After I stopped listening to you I became more and more like a person again. I found myself again, cause during those 4 years, I hadn't been me - I was you. You lived through me. You abused me, and used me to for fill your purposes and dreams.

All the girls out there wanting to be your friend... They're making the biggest mistake of their lives INVITING you into it. I mean honestly, you don't bring along anything good. Your purpose is to destroy other people's lives. To kill. You made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything. That I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. You almost made me kill myself. I was unhappy every day because of you. I still am. It's your fault that I got my depression in the first place.

But today I know better. I know you from the inside out, you shallow bitch. You are the worst friend one could have. You are the friend that want's to hurt others. The kind of friend that puts your pain onto others.

I have a tattoo on my hand. A tattoo which will remind me every day for the rest of my life, that we were friends, but that I am stronger than you are. I won. I will always win.

Never again

Kiri Rehmeier

- This blog is dedicated to all the little girls out there wanting to be your friend. So stupid. So naive. 

Letter Challenge Day 8

A letter to your favorite internet friend

Dear Lulle

I've known you for years, but never actually met you. You live in the opposite end of the country, but since I was in Copenhagen a few weeks ago, and didn't meet you while I was there - I regret that! I want to meet you so much really. I think you're an awesome person, and though we've never met, we know each other. We've read each others diaries for years now. I used to write every day, but now I never write anymore. I don't feel like it helps me anymore. But I still read yours and the others.
I often think of you and the others in the group. A lot of people, actually most the people who reads my blog, doesn't know from where we know each other, so I'm gonna explain.
About five years ago I joined a group on Arto for girls suffering from an eating disorder. From that group I now have many good friends. Most of us has come really really far, and some are even well today. This letter is for one of the girls from the group, but somehow you might say it's for everyone in the group. Anyone who ever commented on my diary. In this group we each had a diary in which we could write whatever we wanted. If I read the first couple of pages in my diary, I can clearly see that it's been years since I wrote it. Back then we wrote about food, disordered thoughts, weight and how much we hated our bodies. Now it's more of a real diary, where we write about life and our problems. I haven't really written in mine the last year.. I don't really feel like I need it anymore I guess..?

But EDs .. I love you. All of you. You've helped me so much. I don't know where I would have been if I hadn't had you to lean on at tough times. Some would have though the group was bad for us, but I really know we did the right thing. Most of us recovered a lot from what we was back then. You are so cool guys. The toughest girls I know. This letter is for you. Thank you so much - for everything.

Yours forever faithfully
Kiri Rehmeier

I hate ME

Now I'm gonna tell you a little about the stuff that I hate about my own body. Here goes, this is how hot I feel.. Truly.

I hate my face. My nose is too big and has freckles on it. The freckles I can live with - if they didn't look like pimples. It's not just those flat cute brown dots. It's brown dots on top of a small bump.
I hate my skin. I have suffered from acne since I was 13, and I still hate it though it has gotten a lot better. But my chin and my forehead are still plagued by it.
I also hate my cheeks. I get apple cheeks when I smile, and my cheeks are fat all the time.
My jaw is too big, and manly. Makes my head look almost square. I hate my ears too. Not that they are ugly, just that all of my earrings are inflamed all the time. I hate that. It itches and it hurts, and it does not look pretty at all.
I hate my hear. It never looks the way I want it to, and it is flat in general. Besides it get damaged after a few hours after I've been to the hairdresser.
I also hate my neck. It's fat, and I have scares from my car crash. I'm ashamed. And I can't lie down without getting a double-chin! Why can everybody that but me!?
I hate my arms. They are fat too! And I also have scares on them, and since I'm always cold the hair on my arms always stand up. That just looks ridiculous.
I hate my fingers. They are small and fat, and when I draw a lot my middle finger develops some sort of dot, because of the pencil rubbing so much at the same place. That is just nasty.  And besides that my fingernails break very easily. They are as soft as butter, and if I am so lucky that they do not break, they just bend.

I hate my breasts. I think they are too small. They are not pretty or sexy either! They look stupid and if I loose as little as two pounds, you are able to see in on them. My nipples are too big as well.
I hate my belly. I have the typical piece of fat - right there! In the middle of it all. I hate it so much that I've considered just cutting it off. Yeah really. I know it's completely stupid, but at some points I'd prefer a huge scar over a large piece of fat. I know that sounds comepletely insane to you, but I tell it because I want to paint the picture in your heads of how much I mean it when I say that I consider myself fat. To let you know how much I hate myself...
Well, I also hate my ass! It sticks very much out from my body, because my back is extremely curved. I hate that. Because that makes my belly stick out too.. But my ass is just fat! I cannot take a step without knowing that my ass is moving. That's just nasty. Also I have cellulite under my ass, and that I cannot stand. I want to cut that off too.
My thighs! My thighs are very fat, and they do the wave-move whenever I take a step.

Did that paint a picture in your mind?
- Kiri Rehmeier... Out!