for her

Because you're the only one for me.

Crazy

I'm sitting in the train. It's like I'm in a trance. I can't think straight, and all I want is to smoke. What do I do? I calm myself down. How? I pull out my hair. I'm sitting with a huge pile of hair in my lap, and I don't want to throw it out. Because when you have to get rid of the evidence (the hair), you realise what you've done. Then I realise that people have been watching me for over an hour, while I was fully aware of it, but didn't care. They look at me like I'm crazy. I don.t bother, because while pulling I don't give a flying fuck about anything. It's like I'm floating and everything around me becomes quiet, and nothing is harmful. The feeling of the little white roots letting go of the follicle.. It's important to grab the hair by the roots just right, cause otherwise the hair will break, and the root doesn't come out, and the hair was wasted. That's how I feel. Unless you are a fellow sufferer from trichotillomania, you won't understand. I don't expect people to understand. I needed to write this for my own sake. Thank you.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

Missing loner

Lying in the dark. I feel so alone. I'm lonely every day. Since I moved I've started feeling more alone than ever. I miss people. I miss my friends, I miss my cat, I miss my mum! I miss my mum so much... I miss having coffee with her. Laughing with her.. I miss having her around when I'm sad. I'm sad a lot, and I miss her so much.. Pathetic? Maybe. But at least I'm mature enough to admit it..

My days are empty. I have do purpose at the moment. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm shit.

I have trich.

I have a confession. I have been trich'ing for hours straight now, and I haven't found the strength to stop until now. I just thought I'd tell you a little something about a thing that I'm dealing with right now. I have Trichotillomania. In case that doesn't ring a bell, it is classified as an impulse control disorder. It is basically a compulsive urge to pull your own hair out.

Now the second sentence of this post suddenly make sense. Yes. I have been sitting for hours straight and pulled my own hair out of my scalp. Crazy? Maybe. I am not the one to judge. I know for a fact that this is an illness, but that it is something I am in control of myself. But since when is that uncommon? We see it all the time!
Anorexia: Start eating - Bulimia: Stop purging - Obesety: Lose weight - Depression: Smile - Self harm: Stop hurting yourself.
This is to prove a point - it isn't something you can just stop, and or, start doing - Okay? People think "Why do you do that? Stop it." Well wow! You can't just tell a bulimic to stop purging from one day to another can you? Tell an anorexic to start eating? NO GOD DAMNIT! So what is it people don't understand? You can't just stop this either! Mental health is not something you get by just snapping your fingers! AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT YOU JUST TELL ME TO STOP DOING IT, OR THAT I NEED TO STOP!!

So.. I have been pulling my hair in many different ways since I was a child. The earliest memory I have of myself doing it, was in fourth grade. I was 10 years old, sitting at my table in class. I remember playing with my hair and not being able to stop. I just wanted to feel it between my fingers. So I kept playing with it. This went on for years, but then I stopped. It has been on and off since then. I stopped again when I was 17 I think, and didn't do it for about two years. Then I relapsed and now I am doing it again. Only this time I googled it, and found out that it is actually a disease, and not just a bad habit that you can just get rid of, just like that. I wanted to spread the word, because not many people know about this illness. It is more common than you realize. And much more serious than it seems. Having to deal with the hairloss, the shame, trance, people pointing it out, the questions, covering up, but most of all the urge. It sucks. Trichotillomania truly fucking sucks. And it's nothing to make fun of.

I trust my readers, therefore I trust you with this deep deep confession of mine.
I was crying when I wrote this. 

Typical

I'm not sure where to start. A lot has happened since I last updated you. I've fallen out on blogging really. Its going to change though. I'm gonna start up again. (:
I moved to copenhagen as you know, and I've got a place to live. You could say its a one-bedroom apartment with a shared kitchen, bathroom and living room. But sharing those things with my sister and brother in law is no problem. I get to be with their dog, so <3 he is a lovely little creature. He doesn't like people in general, but once he gets to know you, he starts to like you more and more. Last night I was out and had a couple of drinks. 2 double cosmopolitans for 60 kr. My sister and I couldn't resist so we got wasted. xD how typical. But tonight I'm gonna go to tivoli and see alphabeat and drink cheap beers with Anna Louise. But before I meet up with her, I'm gonna walk around down town I think (:
Have a great day y'all. Hope to update you later!

xo

Love

List of things I love:

• Kristina
• Mette
• Nathalie
• my sisters
• Lucifer
• my parents
• cigarettes
• booze
• twitter
• tumblr
• apple products
• music
• drawing
• candles
• linkin park
• volbeat
• sunshine
• strawberries
• milk
• coffee
• nailpolish
• concerts
• shopping
• baresso
• make up
• stilettos
• duvets and pillows
• sleeping
• prescription drugs
• noodles
• texting
• sex
• flirting
• getting wasted
• laughing really hard
• talking on the phone for hours
• summer
• dogs
• cats
• all animals
• leather jackets
• falling asleep to music
• staying up late
• watching movies
• large sweatshirts and hoodies
• when somebody says they love me
• travelling
• cuddling
• having coffee with my parents
• singing with Kristina and Mette in my car
• mine and Mette's freakshow
• watching Kristina sleep
• my old classmates
• dancing
• lady gaga
• crying
• IKEA
• pulling my own hair
• being hugged from behind
• holding hands
• being in love when it is returned the same
• breaking stuff with a bat
• kissing
• editing photographs
• my bed
• my car
• bags
• being there for people
• blonde baby boys with blue eyes
• having a beer and a cigarette
• giving people gifts
• surprising others
• writing poems
• singing
• screaming
• Freaking out on people
• photographing
• walking in the city in the middle of the night
• crisps
• chocolate
• rain
• festivals
• dancing and lip-syncing in front of the mirror
• complimenting people
• when people ask me to dance
• when my girlfriends actually wants to dance with me at parties or at clubs
• putting on nail polish with Mette and Kristina
• getting drunk with my wife - 2 man party on the floor
• nathalie's long island ice teas
• reuniting with people I haven't seen for a long time
• tattoos
• coloring hair with my wife
• piercings
• piercing my friends
• buying stuff on the internet
• singing along to loud music
• videos where people fall or get hurt
• cleaning
• going on dates
• telling people how much I love them
• the relationship I have with my bigsister

Potential

Today I met a potential roommate. I wanted to meet him down town before going to his apartment to see it. Just to make sure he wasn't a 53 year-old rapist named Henning.
We met for coffee and he was very nice. He seemed like a great guy. I could imagine living with him. There's just one problem... He's cute. Nice + cute = attraction. I'm the kind of person who is always prepared, and thinks of all the stuff that MIGHT COULD happen. What if it turned into at little flirt? What if I started liking him? What if he started liking me? What if what if whatif whatif whatifwhatifwhatif....

But I'm positive. We might get good friends? I might not even move in with him. I might hate the apartment? But hey, he's nice. Let's see.
He's 25 and his name is Monzer. Let's see what happens.

Brighter lights in Copenhagen

A lot has happened since I last updated you guys. Yes, I got kicked out of school. My principle put me on hold for the year out, saying I could take third year over again. Like that's gonna happen. Two weeks after my big breakdown, I made a decision. A huge decision that was gonna turn my life upside down. I decided to move away from home. I moved to the opposite side of the country. I now live in a basement room below my sister and her boyfriend's apartment. I moved from the countryside to the capital. Yes, I now live in Copenhagen.
It was a big decision, but I cannot say it was a hard decision to make. I had nothing left to do in Jutland. I lost everything. The only thing that made me get up in the morning. After getting kicked out of school, I slept for days. I cried, slept, woke up, went to the bathroom, slept, woke up, cried, ate, went back to sleep.. I couldn't get myself to face the reality, so I just slept. I slept to keep away the pain.
My sister suggested that I could come and move in with her and her boyfriend. I had to think about it, cause it was a big decision in the middle of my chaotic state of mind. I did it. I moved.
When I first got here, my sister and I started looking for jobs for me. The first day I went out with job applications I was nervous. I handed over 6 applications that day. The next day I went out there again, and while handing over my 7th application I was offered a jobinterview right away. Sure I thought, and guess what - I got the job. Right then and there. I'm starting this week. I am a substitute at a kindergarden. I'm gonna work with small children. I am so glad. 2 weeks after getting kicked out of school, I had a job AND a place to live in Copenhagen.
We are renovating the basement I am going to live in. Today I finished painting all of the walls, and tomorrow we are going to paint the floor. THEN I'll be ready to move my stuff in, and we'll be going to IKEA on friday, to find me some new furniture. I've never been to IKEA before, so that's gonna be exiting.

Oh, and by the way... I'm going to a Simple Plan concert tomorrow!!! I'm so exited!! I love them! - the only con about it is, that I am going to the concert alone. Non of my friends like the music I like, and the once that do, doesn't have any money or don't have the time or whatever excuse.

That was all for this time, hope to update you guys soon again. This is a post written on a sleepless night. It's 2 AM, so I better try to sleep. Cya guys.

A 50/50 chance

In 20 minutes I have a meeting with my principal. There's a 50/50 chance that I'm getting kicked out of school. I am so scared. I swear I am so scared I could shit my pants. The odds are low, and I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure what's best. I just don't wanna take 3rd year over again. I won't do that. If I get kicked out, I'm out of business, but god damnit, I'm not sure I can handle it. I hate this. So nervous.
I'll let you know when I'm done at the meeting.

Find me on twitter for instant check-ups. @KiriRehmeier