12 Days..

Honestly.. I never liked Medina. I still don't. But this song just describes a time in my life so perfectly. Exactly my words, just said with a voice that doesn't belong to me. But here it goes:

So.. If the person whom this is dedicated to ever listens to this, and reads this.. Well just listen. And then please call me.

Pain

I've been listening to the same song over and over trying to figure out what is really going on in my mind. I have no idea what to think. The thing is.. I know how I feel, but I'm not sure I can allow myself to feel it. You see, feeling stuff usually leads to suffering, pain or regret. I don't regret. I don't regret a single thing. Not a single thing I've said, done or any of the millions of tears I've cried over this. Was I really that unimportant to you?
It's just.. Loss? It can really rip your soul apart. I really thought that the word "forever" meant something. Something real.. Didn't it? You know, I hate being wrong. It's just not my thing. I'm stubborn and I hate admitting I was wrong.
I've considered driving those extra miles, whenever I was around south. Every time the thought would cross my mind. But I didn't do it. Because I can't predict the reaction I'd get.
I... I don't know what to say.. I wish you would just be the one talking. So I could know what you're thinking.
Just.. anything I guess

Letter Challenge Day 16

Someone that’s not in your state/country


Dear Manca


How is everything in Slovenia? How is it going with that boy who completely fucked you over but turned out to be quite okay?
Congratulations on your weight loss! It's so amazing how you lost 10 lbs in just a few weeks! You truly know how to do it, I gotta admit that I'm jealous. 
Hope you're doing great, and to get a respond fast. 


xoxo love
Kiri Rehmeier

Speechless

I have no idea what to say.. It surprises me.. I have no idea what to think.. I think about it all the time.. When I think of it, it's like I can't breathe. Not sure if it's because of sadness or happiness. I just know there's some anxiety in it. I get anxious when I think of it. I am not sure what I should think. Should I fear or should I hope? Or both? Should I try or should I give up? Should I smile or should I cry? Should I even care?
Something in me tells me not to even bother - but deep down I can't deny that I care. I care a lot. But I'm not sure rather I even want to care. It's all questionable.

Unpredictable

There is a song that reminds me of you 

I cannot help but sing along with the radio 

We are both in hell you and I 

Burning in the flames of pain 

And I wonder if we will all turn to ashes 

But they say there is no gain without the pain

Oh I feel for you my love, I feel 
You make me feel something 
Alive you might even say 
Like an awakening from the hell I am in 
And I wonder when you are gonna leave next 
Fly away and let me return to death
 










I feel like a zombie, like a living dead 
Cannot escape the fact that I can't feel you 
Just stretch my arms and reach you 
It's a dream I cannot deny is real at night 
I wish that sometimes I would cross your mind 
But even that is a hope I have to let die
 








There is a song that reminds me of you 
Whenever it plays a fire starts in my heart 
I could never tell you how I long for your kiss 
Cause your reaction I cannot predict 
I am so scared, so scared I might lose you 
Like the things we lost in the fire
 





The fire inside my heart














by Kiri Rehmeier ©
2011-10-14

Letter Challenge Day 15

A letter to the person you miss the most.

Dear Mette

I'm not sure how to combine the word "miss" with my feelings about you at the moment. Right now you are without a doubt, the person whom I send the most thoughts during the day. It's like you're a puzzle and I can't get all of the pieces to fit - and yet I still can. It's like I've been reading your mind lately. I ask you questions which I already know the answers to. I just want to hear it from your mouth.
I want to share my experiences with you, but I'm afraid it'll be for no good use. I know what you're going through - Trust me, I really really do. So I guess you could say I'm not reading your mind, but simply just having the knowledge to know that you're thinking exactly the same thoughts, that I did once.
I know what you want at the moment, and I know what it takes to learn the lesson - 'cause I did it too. You have to be stupid before you can learn to be wise. You have to be blind before you can learn to see. I guess I'm writing this because it has occurred to me, that the chance I have to make you see it clear, before it becomes pure horror; is very small. There are many ways in which I could try to make you see, but without your interest in knowing what I learned, it would be a waste of time for us both. When I was at the point in which you are right now I was stupid - people tried to make me see, but I was stupid because I didn't listen. I know that now. But honestly it would be a huge surprise if you weren't stupid like I was. In that case I must have misjudged the similarity between us - god I hope I have! A dream you get when you gain the knowledge that people in my place have, is to share your knowledge and stop just ONE person from making the same mistakes you did. Many of us never succeed. I'm not sure if I did at some point in my journey - But if I had to pick one particular person to be the one I stopped; No doubt that it'd be you. I mean... I love you so fucking much? No one should ever have to go through what I did - I wouldn't even wish this upon my worst enemy! And knowing that you're making the same mistake I did, which got to be the largest mistake of my life, and it's not in my power to make the right choice for you - IS AWFUL! It's not much different from watching your friend slit his wrists and then suffer a slow and painful death, while you're just watching. You want to interrupt, but you can't.

But sweetie, I'm not gonna try to force you into doing what I wish you would. Just know that I'm here for you every day, every night - ready to support, help, talk to or whatever you'd like. And the day you'll be ready to take in the knowledge, I will gladly tell you and help you understand. But just know this: I am not gonna judge you, I am not gonna blame you, and I am not gonna leave you. Even if you say you don't need me, I'll still be the one picking up the phone at 3 AM ready to listen and understand. A lot of people will listen, but only a few of them will understand.
You know you've got me - never be afraid to use it. I won't ask for anything in return, cause you've already given me so much.

Yours truly
Kiri Rehmeier

Night of the thousand dead frogs

Last night was the night of the thousand dead frogs.
The rain fell so hard it washed away all the dry dust.
The entire road had a huge smudge of water on it.
I went out driving while it was raining in the dark.
The rainfall was the only sound in the silent night.
Darkness only disturbed by the headlights of my car.
A ride where white meets black right there in front.
A landscape only decorated by lines of tears from above.
Raindrops falling so hard the wipers cannot keep up.
The wind fighting a struggle to sweep you off the road.
A fox crosses the road while looking like a starving cat.
The distance seems to grow longer for every mile.
The destination seems further away than it did at first.
Water is lying on the road making a miniature flood.
The flood leaves the frogs to try and save their lives.
The road so full of water that the frogs swim across.
Tires loosing grip of the road makes it hard to brake.
Blindness in the dark leaves the frogs to get run over.
Driving slow to notice every little thing coming up.
Seeing dead frogs floating around on the rainy road.
People thinking nobody would go out in this weather.
Recklessly they skate the road slipping when turning.
The radio drowning in the sounds of falling raindrops.
All blinded by the white headlights of oncoming cars.
The black night is the long dark tunnel which you're in.
Suddenly disturbed by a white light coming towards you.

- by Kiri Rehmeier 

Like an addict

Like an addict I hunt my drug
So ecstatic I search for love
I am longing now for the loving touch
Don't you know that I need you much
Will I ever learn that you're no good
All the time I burn like you think I should
You set my body on fire
As I long for your desire

by Kiri Rehmeier ©

Reasons to live

friends - family .. Parents and siblings in particular! - eating and enjoying it - smoking cigarettes - a nice cup of your favorite coffee - When strangers smiles at you for no reason - being told you're beautiful - falling in love - being loved - refusing to give up - music - lying in the grass - pets and animals - the few seconds where you actually feel comfortable with yourself - concerts - achievements - good sex - freedom - internet - twitter - poetry - dying - apple products - buying stuff you want - singing - getting drunk once in a while. - kids. - not feeling lonely. - nailpolish  - stilettos.  - tattoos  - piercings - getting a haircut and liking it - sleeping - lying down and listening to music - Linkin Park - dreaming - singing - festivals - getting high  - not feeling pain - feeling pain - sunshine - rain - jeans - cuddling - kissing - to dance - romantic moments - crisps - mum's mashed potatoes - daddy's pancakes - Baresso iceblends - creativity - painting and drawing - photographing - laughing - heels - the touch - lying in your bed, smelling the sheets which has just been washed and then hung out to dry in the summer breeze.

That's all for now. I might write some more in an up-following post.

- Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 14

A letter to someone you've drifted away from.

Dear André

We were like brother and sister once. We spend so many hours together when we were kids. We both had a fantasy which could bring the most of fun out of nothing. All the countless hours of playing in the garden with the little ones. Hide and seek, jumping on the trampoline, imaginary games, and swimming in the pool. Those childhood memories..

When you got sick, I spend countless hours worrying for you. Back then I looked at you as my brother, and watching you in pain was hard. After all we were just kids. I remember the party you threw when you had your last medication - I kissed you on the cheek, and I was so happy. So happy you wouldn't believe it. Unfortunately from that day on, we began to see each other less and less.

I often wondered how you were. How far you'd come in your life. I hadn't spoken with you for years, before Judas came along. We talked a little, and I found out how far you've come. I know it sounds corny to say that I'm proud, but I am. I think it's fantastic to see how far you've come. I'm glad that you're doing good. Really glad.

Rock on bro
Kiri Rehmeier