28. jun. 2009

Ar på sjælen


Der var engang en pige. Hun blev mobbet i skolen. Ingen ville kendes ved hende. Hun følte sig hadet. Hun troede at verden ville være bedre tjent uden hende. Men hun turde ikke gøre noget. Hun vidste ikke hvad hun skulle gøre. Så hun gjorde ikke noget ved hendes tilværelse. Hun gjorde noget ved sig selv. De ting der skete omkring hende hun ville ønske hun kunne flygte fra.
Hvor den pige er idag, ved igen. Måske er hun død. Væk for altid. Måske gemmer hun sig, og er bange for at komme ud. Måske tør hun ikke, fordi hun er bange for at blive såret igen. Man tror det er slemt mens man stadig har sårene. Mens de stadig er friske. Men man tror på at det en dag skal gå over. Hvad pigen ikke vidste var, at det er værre at have arene. Arene på hendes sjæl brænder hver gang hun tænker på den gang. De gange der er blevet smidt bolde og beskidte bemærkninger efter hende. De gange hvor alle har været imod hende. De gange hun er blevet valgt sidst til holdet i idrætstimerne. De gange hvor hun er blevet råbt af, og svinet til. De gange hun har følt sig glemt. De gange hvor hun var sikker på at hun var usynlig, fordi ingen så hende. Og mange andre tidspunkter. De øjeblikke man aldrig glemmer. De følelser der gør allermest ondt. De ligger i hende. Og det vil de altid gøre.
Der var engang en anden pige. Hun kigger sig i spejlet. Hun ser en pige, der har alt hvad hun har brug for, og mere til. Hun skammer sig. For hun er ikke tilfreds. Hun er tilfreds med hendes liv, men hun kan ikke være lykkelig for det. Hun har alt hvad hun kunne ønske sig, men noget stopper hende. Hun er ikke lykkelig. Hun lider af de ar der er på hendes sjæl. Hun har ofte sagt, at hun snart ikke kan mere. Og hun mener det altid. Men fordi hun har så meget, om hun kan være lykkelig for det eller ej, så kan hun ikke bare smide det hele på gulvet. Det er også godt. Hun fortsætter. I håbet om at det en dag vil ændre sig. Alt hun har er håbet.

4. mar. 2009

Danni Sand Bøgebjerg


I'd like to dedicate this blog to a very special guy in my life. His name is Danni. He's me boyfriend. For the once that doesn't know him, i feel sorry. He is such an amazing guy, and I don't know what would have happened to me if I had never met him. We've known each other for a long time, and we've been dating for 10 months now. I have shared some of the greatest moments of my life with him, and he has made me so happy. I've been down a big black hole for very long now, but I know for sure, that he can always pull me up, and make me feel better no matter what. I don't know how to thank this guy. He practically saved my life.. I guess you can put it like that. If it hadn't been for him, I'm not sure, that I'd be sitting here today. I'm so glad that he came into my life. That he didn't ran away, when I told him all of my evil secrets. He was the first one I told. Today I have no problem saying it again to other people, but back then, it was really hard. Things had gone too far, but he supported me. He was always there for me, though I was all alone. When everybody else turned me their backs, he was still there with me. No matter where in the world I am, he is always with me in my thoughts. Every second we're not together, I miss him. But since we can't be together all the time, of course I can survive without him. For a while. Every night when I go to sleep, I picture him, lying right behind me. It makes me feel safe. I really fear being alone. It's like, I get anxious whenever I have to sleep alone. But when I'm with Danni, I feel safe. He makes me feel like nothing bad in the world can come near me. I've told him a million times, how wonderful I think he is, and how much I love him. I don't want him to forget it, though I know, that if I didn't told him as often, he wouldn't mind. But I love saying it. It's a feeling that I feel like, i can't express enough. I just wanna say it all the time over and over, until it makes no sense. I wanna stand on top of a mountain and yell it out to the world. I want the whole world to know that I love him. That he's mine.
The feeling Danni gives me inside, I can't describe. It's such a wonderful feeling. He makes me wanna be a better person. When I'm with him, it's like my problems can't come near me. It's like there is a distance between me and the problems, while I'm with him. I can breath and be myself. I'm not a prisoner in my own body. That's how I feel when I'm alone. Most of the time. He gives me space to breath, to relax. It's a little like.. Alcohol or drugs? When you're on them, you're problems disappear, and everything is just fine. But then when the effect stops, you come back to the real world. But with Danni, there is a slight different. When I'm high, I'm still in the real world. It's like a dreamworld, but it's real. There's nothing fake about it.
I've done a lot of wrong things in my life. I've done a lot of things that I regret. But when I'm with Danni, it's like.. It's okay. I'm a good person, though I've made my mistakes. Of course Danni is not perfect, but I don't care. Though he has made some mistakes, it doesn't matter to me at all. I love him no matter what. Nobody's perfect, but sometimes I feel bad, because I'm not, and I feel like he deserves a perfect girlfriend. But of course he says the right words to make me loose that thought. He makes me feel.. good. About myself. About us. About my thoughts. Who I am today. Love. Life....
I owe him everything. Or so I feel. He's the reason why I don't give up. He's the reason I'm fighting to get a real life again. He's the most amazing person I have ever met in my life. I would never have got this far, if it hadn't been for him. Thanks.. For everything you done for me. Everything you've said. I love you honey.

3. mar. 2009

At leve, og at være til


Lige pt vil jeg ikke selv mene at jeg lever. Jeg ser det mere som om at jeg sidder i et vente værelse, og bare er til. Jeg venter på at det bliver min tur til at leve. Jeg har været på ventelisten længe, men det er jeg jo ikke ene om, så jeg måtte vente længe, før jeg kunne få noget hjælp til at vende tilbage til livet. Jeg lever ikke. Jeg ser til, mens andres liv er i fuld gang. Så sidder jeg bare her på sidelinjen og venter på at det bliver min tur til at komme ind på banen, og tage del i spillet. På grund af en skade, bliver jeg nød til at blive siddende her på bænken, indtil det er okay igen. Men ventetiden på at jeg kan få hjælp til min skade er lang, så jeg har tilbragt lang tid på bænken nu. Man kan ikke spille en god kamp med en skade, så på bænken er ens kamp nærmest på standby. Og her kan jeg så sidde og vente. På at jeg får hjælp. På at min skade kan blive fixet. På at jeg igen kan deltage i spillet.
 Foxy