Wonderful Friday

Tomorrow is Friday, and I am going to see my wife!! I really really can't wait, I've missed her SO much, and I just can't wait to run into her arms, hug her till she feels small and protected, and then kiss her lips ❤ I feel so empty without her. Even the times where it's only been a week or so since we've seen each other, then I still miss her, and is filled with this relieved feeling of happiness whenever I see her before my eyes. She really does light up my world. Can't thank her enough for being in my life, and making it worth living ❤

Today I went to see my shrink. She's so sweet and I just feel like she understands me. We're on the same level and we basically just click. Looking forward to see her again on Thursday.

Søvnløshed

Mit hovede føles proppet. Tankerne

hober sig op, og danner et virvar af 

bekymringer. Jeg er altid bekymret. 

Der er altid ét eller andet, der går mig 

på. Det stopper aldrig. Det er som om 

jeg ikke kan lade være. Nærmest 

umuligt at styre dem andre veje.

Mine tanker racer altid rundt, og der 

er faktisk aldrig ro i mit hovede. Ofte 

kan for mange bekymringer blandet 

med uoverskuelighed, resultere i panik. 

Panisk angst der driver mig helt der ud, 

hvor vandet er så dybt, at man ikke 

længere kan ane bunden under sig. 

Helt der ud ,hvor distancen er så 

lang, at man ikke længere kan skue 

land i horisonten. Derude hvor det blå 

hav er så dybt, at det blå bliver sort. 

Jeg kan ikke bunde. Bunden er ikke 

eksisterende, og jeg er ikke længere i 

stand til, at holde mig selv flydende. 

Armenes febrilske fægten i kampen 

for at holde hovedet over vand 

svigter, og jeg synker - dybere og 

dybere. Angsten er for længst 

grebet ind, og har taget på mig. Det 

nytter ikke noget at kæmpe imod, det 

er allerede for sent, at styre den vej. 

Så jeg gør det eneste der er tilbage 

at gøre. Lader mig synke endnu 

dybere. Svigter bevidstheden mon 

før jeg når at ramme bunden? Jeg 

synker - langsomt. Da jeg løber tør 

for luft, og som jeg tvinges til at tage 

en indånding af det tunge sorte hav

Vågner jeg.

Af Kiri Rehmeier / natten til den 18. august 2012

Nattetanker

Ligger i mørket. Det eneste der bryder 

tavsheden er lyden af regnvåde veje, 

mens bilerne passerer forbi mit vindue. 

Søvnløsheden er dræbende. Selvom 

søvnen er tiltrængt, er den umulig at 

opnå netop denne nat - Denne nat, 

så vel som mange andre nætter. 

Beslutter mig for, at en cigaret mere 

ikke ville skade. Disse nattetimer er 

alligevel gået til spilde på nyttesløs 

forsøgen på at opnå søvnen, der 

efterhånden virker så fjern som paradis. 

Lige så uopnåelig. Overvejer mange 

gange at droppe søvnen for denne nat. 

Bare forblive vågen. Da jeg drejer hjulet 

på lighteren, lyses rummet op. Ikke meget, 

men nok til at få mig til at knibe øjnene 

sammen og blive blændet som en muldvarp. 

Nu er kun den røde glød synlig i det sorte. 

På trods af, at der intet er at se, har jeg

fortsat mine øjne åbne. De grønne.

Jeg har aldrig brudt mig om stilhed, så 

byens liv er betryggende i den sorte nat.

Den fortsatte lyd af biler der gennemtrænger 

små samlinger af regnvand på asfalten. 

Hvad mon de skal? De som kører rundt 

klokken halv fem om morgenen.

Can't find my way home

I'm on the train on my way home to Copenhagen. I have just entered the last hour of a 5,5 hour long train ride. I'm not really tired.. Just bored.
I really don't want to go home to my basement. Living in the basement is fine. I'm just so isolated, and I'm doing it to myself. Because I don't want to be upstairs. I don't like it. I feel cold and uncomfortable. But the deal is... I don't know where I would rather be. No place feels like home. It haunts me every day. The feeling of.. Being misplaced. Not being home. Not even knowing where home is anymore. Just sad. Sick of yourself. Sick of the person I am.

for her

Because you're the only one for me.

Crazy

I'm sitting in the train. It's like I'm in a trance. I can't think straight, and all I want is to smoke. What do I do? I calm myself down. How? I pull out my hair. I'm sitting with a huge pile of hair in my lap, and I don't want to throw it out. Because when you have to get rid of the evidence (the hair), you realise what you've done. Then I realise that people have been watching me for over an hour, while I was fully aware of it, but didn't care. They look at me like I'm crazy. I don.t bother, because while pulling I don't give a flying fuck about anything. It's like I'm floating and everything around me becomes quiet, and nothing is harmful. The feeling of the little white roots letting go of the follicle.. It's important to grab the hair by the roots just right, cause otherwise the hair will break, and the root doesn't come out, and the hair was wasted. That's how I feel. Unless you are a fellow sufferer from trichotillomania, you won't understand. I don't expect people to understand. I needed to write this for my own sake. Thank you.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier

Missing loner

Lying in the dark. I feel so alone. I'm lonely every day. Since I moved I've started feeling more alone than ever. I miss people. I miss my friends, I miss my cat, I miss my mum! I miss my mum so much... I miss having coffee with her. Laughing with her.. I miss having her around when I'm sad. I'm sad a lot, and I miss her so much.. Pathetic? Maybe. But at least I'm mature enough to admit it..

My days are empty. I have do purpose at the moment. I'm pathetic. I'm worthless. I'm shit.

I have trich.

I have a confession. I have been trich'ing for hours straight now, and I haven't found the strength to stop until now. I just thought I'd tell you a little something about a thing that I'm dealing with right now. I have Trichotillomania. In case that doesn't ring a bell, it is classified as an impulse control disorder. It is basically a compulsive urge to pull your own hair out.

Now the second sentence of this post suddenly make sense. Yes. I have been sitting for hours straight and pulled my own hair out of my scalp. Crazy? Maybe. I am not the one to judge. I know for a fact that this is an illness, but that it is something I am in control of myself. But since when is that uncommon? We see it all the time!
Anorexia: Start eating - Bulimia: Stop purging - Obesety: Lose weight - Depression: Smile - Self harm: Stop hurting yourself.
This is to prove a point - it isn't something you can just stop, and or, start doing - Okay? People think "Why do you do that? Stop it." Well wow! You can't just tell a bulimic to stop purging from one day to another can you? Tell an anorexic to start eating? NO GOD DAMNIT! So what is it people don't understand? You can't just stop this either! Mental health is not something you get by just snapping your fingers! AND IT DOESN'T HELP THAT YOU JUST TELL ME TO STOP DOING IT, OR THAT I NEED TO STOP!!

So.. I have been pulling my hair in many different ways since I was a child. The earliest memory I have of myself doing it, was in fourth grade. I was 10 years old, sitting at my table in class. I remember playing with my hair and not being able to stop. I just wanted to feel it between my fingers. So I kept playing with it. This went on for years, but then I stopped. It has been on and off since then. I stopped again when I was 17 I think, and didn't do it for about two years. Then I relapsed and now I am doing it again. Only this time I googled it, and found out that it is actually a disease, and not just a bad habit that you can just get rid of, just like that. I wanted to spread the word, because not many people know about this illness. It is more common than you realize. And much more serious than it seems. Having to deal with the hairloss, the shame, trance, people pointing it out, the questions, covering up, but most of all the urge. It sucks. Trichotillomania truly fucking sucks. And it's nothing to make fun of.

I trust my readers, therefore I trust you with this deep deep confession of mine.
I was crying when I wrote this. 

Typical

I'm not sure where to start. A lot has happened since I last updated you. I've fallen out on blogging really. Its going to change though. I'm gonna start up again. (:
I moved to copenhagen as you know, and I've got a place to live. You could say its a one-bedroom apartment with a shared kitchen, bathroom and living room. But sharing those things with my sister and brother in law is no problem. I get to be with their dog, so <3 he is a lovely little creature. He doesn't like people in general, but once he gets to know you, he starts to like you more and more. Last night I was out and had a couple of drinks. 2 double cosmopolitans for 60 kr. My sister and I couldn't resist so we got wasted. xD how typical. But tonight I'm gonna go to tivoli and see alphabeat and drink cheap beers with Anna Louise. But before I meet up with her, I'm gonna walk around down town I think (:
Have a great day y'all. Hope to update you later!

xo