A 50/50 chance

In 20 minutes I have a meeting with my principal. There's a 50/50 chance that I'm getting kicked out of school. I am so scared. I swear I am so scared I could shit my pants. The odds are low, and I'm not sure what I want. I'm not sure what's best. I just don't wanna take 3rd year over again. I won't do that. If I get kicked out, I'm out of business, but god damnit, I'm not sure I can handle it. I hate this. So nervous.
I'll let you know when I'm done at the meeting.

Find me on twitter for instant check-ups. @KiriRehmeier

Fuckingshitfuckcrapshitfuckhelpcrapshitfuckfuckingfuck

I have so many things going through my head. I don't know how to get them out. Most of them are so dark, that I can't tell anyone. It's like.. I'd scare people. I do not wish to scare people, so I just keep all this shit to myself. It's either that, or worrying people, and I don't wanna be a burden.
I feel like. Theres only one person in the world who truly understands, and I can't be with her. She's busy and so far away.. And I feel like I'm dying without her. I hate this.
I'm useless. I can't do anything right. I'm gonna get kicked out of school soon, so I won't even have achieved anything during these three years of struggle. I just can't take it anymore!!

Frustration

I have an assignment. Big one. The last HUGE assignment at school. I'm stuck. I can't get any further. I'm not even close to finishing it. I have less than 24 hours to finish it.
If I don't make it I will kill myself.
I'm chain smoking because I'm so frustrated.. I don't know what to do.

I'm just not sure I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure I can do that.

The Zone

I have fallen in love with some new music. There's an artist called The Weeknd, and I'm completely sold. Really. His real name is Abel Tesfaye. He's a 22 year-old genius. I love all of his songs, but one that I especially like is one called "The Zone". You can listen to it right here.
While listening to his music, I feel like I'm on some sort of trip. Like I'm floating in a whole new dimention. It's amazing. I just love it.

If you haven't heard - listen to it! You can listen to all of the songs by The Weeknd right here.

I know it's been too long since I wrote here the last. I've just been extremely busy. Bare with me.

a song that describes me right now

Lay Me Down - Crossfade


It's over, I quit.
I'm about as lifeless as it gets
It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.
I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.
Why can't somebody else take my place.
Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.
I've written letters to the ones
I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.
I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.
Empty Inside, alive and uninspired!

(Lay me down)
Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew
Something I always thought I couldn't do.
But you don't know anything
That makes me feel life
Except making you bleed five times,
In one night.
You know you deserved it.

12 Days..

Honestly.. I never liked Medina. I still don't. But this song just describes a time in my life so perfectly. Exactly my words, just said with a voice that doesn't belong to me. But here it goes:

So.. If the person whom this is dedicated to ever listens to this, and reads this.. Well just listen. And then please call me.

Pain

I've been listening to the same song over and over trying to figure out what is really going on in my mind. I have no idea what to think. The thing is.. I know how I feel, but I'm not sure I can allow myself to feel it. You see, feeling stuff usually leads to suffering, pain or regret. I don't regret. I don't regret a single thing. Not a single thing I've said, done or any of the millions of tears I've cried over this. Was I really that unimportant to you?
It's just.. Loss? It can really rip your soul apart. I really thought that the word "forever" meant something. Something real.. Didn't it? You know, I hate being wrong. It's just not my thing. I'm stubborn and I hate admitting I was wrong.
I've considered driving those extra miles, whenever I was around south. Every time the thought would cross my mind. But I didn't do it. Because I can't predict the reaction I'd get.
I... I don't know what to say.. I wish you would just be the one talking. So I could know what you're thinking.
Just.. anything I guess

Letter Challenge Day 16

Someone that’s not in your state/country


Dear Manca


How is everything in Slovenia? How is it going with that boy who completely fucked you over but turned out to be quite okay?
Congratulations on your weight loss! It's so amazing how you lost 10 lbs in just a few weeks! You truly know how to do it, I gotta admit that I'm jealous. 
Hope you're doing great, and to get a respond fast. 


xoxo love
Kiri Rehmeier

Speechless

I have no idea what to say.. It surprises me.. I have no idea what to think.. I think about it all the time.. When I think of it, it's like I can't breathe. Not sure if it's because of sadness or happiness. I just know there's some anxiety in it. I get anxious when I think of it. I am not sure what I should think. Should I fear or should I hope? Or both? Should I try or should I give up? Should I smile or should I cry? Should I even care?
Something in me tells me not to even bother - but deep down I can't deny that I care. I care a lot. But I'm not sure rather I even want to care. It's all questionable.

Unpredictable

There is a song that reminds me of you 

I cannot help but sing along with the radio 

We are both in hell you and I 

Burning in the flames of pain 

And I wonder if we will all turn to ashes 

But they say there is no gain without the pain

Oh I feel for you my love, I feel 
You make me feel something 
Alive you might even say 
Like an awakening from the hell I am in 
And I wonder when you are gonna leave next 
Fly away and let me return to death
 










I feel like a zombie, like a living dead 
Cannot escape the fact that I can't feel you 
Just stretch my arms and reach you 
It's a dream I cannot deny is real at night 
I wish that sometimes I would cross your mind 
But even that is a hope I have to let die
 








There is a song that reminds me of you 
Whenever it plays a fire starts in my heart 
I could never tell you how I long for your kiss 
Cause your reaction I cannot predict 
I am so scared, so scared I might lose you 
Like the things we lost in the fire
 





The fire inside my heart














by Kiri Rehmeier ©
2011-10-14