Blog challenge day 23

And I'm back on the blog challenge again. Hope you've all had a nice beginning of 2013.

"Something that you miss"

If there is a thing I miss, it is the time
I spend having road-trips with Mette,
where we sang Lady Gaga songs out
loud in my car, on the way to
Kristina's apartment. Not so much the
stuff we did in the apartment, but the
fact that we spend so much time together.
We had so much fun and it as so lovely.
I love those girls so much, and I really
miss spending time with them.

Update #3

I hate being here. To be honest I'm just here because I can't bare getting kicked out again. As if it wasn't bad enough the first time, I sure as hell won't have to go through it again. I've already had enough no-shows... Guess there's still some anxiety I haven't worked through yet. I feel so stupid all the time when I'm here. As soon as I walk into this building it's like I've been muted. I don't have a voice. I don't know any of the answers, no matter the question asked. I become stupid. Every day I'm here I wish I hadn't showed up. It's painful being the new girl... I don't know anyone, and it scares me. The only good thing about this school is that nobody knows me.
I could make it easier on myself by doing my homework, but honestly.. When I get home from school the first thing I do is throw myself on the bed and tell myself it's okay. That showing up was enough. Why is this so easy for everyone else? I don't think I'm being lazy, cause this is not due to laziness. I'm just tired. I am so god damn tired when I get home. So god damn tired.

Apartment pics

Here are the pictures you've wanted

I've moved into my new apartment, and I really love it there. I want all my friends to come see it, but none of them really got time. Been spending time there with my family, boyfriend and alone, and I've been busy all weekend, setting things up and making it my own. Here are some pictures. Hope you guys are good.

xo

Blog challenge day 22

"Your academics"

.. Go f*ck yourself!

Blog challenge day 20

"Your fears"

I am diagnosed with anxiety, so I have many fears. I'm just gonna mention some of my phobias, because they are less personal.

Clowns
I am terrified of clowns, and a few years back I went to the circus with my smaller siblings and a friend. My friend held me while they were on stage, and when they went out to the audience, I cried like I was about to be brutally murdered. I hate clowns, they are so scary. The worst clown is the McDonalds clown, because it is a clown and it stands for a company that I find repulsing. End of it.

People in full body costumes with masks
You know, like the ones running around in Disneyland. A huge teddy bear or a Mickey Mouse can scare me to death. My friends know this and they usually hold me, while walking a big circle around them on the street.. While I'm hyperventilating and halfway crying. I hate it and it is embarrassing, but that's what I'm afraid of.

Losing
My greatest fear is losing a loved one. Nothing can terrify me like the thought of losing my friends, sisters or parents. I love them so much and I don't know how I'd get by without them. I am just very awful at losing.

Blog challenge day 19

"Five items you lust after"

I don't really know how to find items that I lust for. I just chose some of the things I want or wish for.

1. My boyfriend.
He's so amazing. I love spending time with him, and he is just such wonderful company. And yeah, admitted - I lust for him. ;b He's funny (no you're not sweetheart), beautiful, sweet, sexy, loving and caring. I am so in love, and even though we might annoy each other sometimes, there are still so much about him that I love, and that I just can't get enough of. Other guys don't interest me, he's enough man for me. ❤

2. More hours pr. day.
The days are too short, I don't have time for anything! I just need for there to be five more hours in a day, it would solve all my sleeping problems, and I would actually have time for all the things I've got going on. If it was possible, that would be my biggest wish.

3. An apartment.
If I am to start at a school in Horsens after New Years I need to find an apartment there soon, I am getting desperate! I can't afford to commute daily. I just can't find a place that I can afford.. Damn it!

4. Getting into art school or the writers academy.
I really want to get into an education that I actually want and find interesting. I just don't think I have the grades nor the talent for it. I really want to qualify, and I'm gonna do the best I can, I just need to get everything right first. So help me god..

5. A new TV.
My TV is ancient, it is one my dad got cheap from his boss because he bought a new one. It's one of the first flatscreen TVs made, and compared to the newer ones, it is not flat at all. The sound sucks, and on most of my movies, it only plays the background sounds, and not the voices, so that sucks balls. I've wanted it for a long time, but I am just not willing to pay several thousand dkk for a tv, cause I don't use it that much, when I'm alone.

Blog challenge day 21

"How you hope your future will be like"

I hope that I will be happy in my future. I don't nessesarily want to get married and have kids like everyone else. I just want to be happy in the future. The circumstances are not the important for me. I just want to be happy and remember what I have learned. I'd like to get an education though. Then I hope to be able to afford a large apartment and have a dog. And a cat. 

I hope I will stay young in mind, and that I will not be boring at the age of 30. I want to live the way I want to, and not miss out in a thing even if its stupid. I want to experience as much as I can, and I wanna find love that I can have fun with forever. Who knows I might even be with my current boyfriend in 10 years. :b

I hope that I'll be healthy, and that my family is good still. I hope to spend more time with Mette, and never stop seeing with Kristina. I'd like to try everything once and what I like, I'll try again. Adventures. Never turning down an opportunity, kinda like the movie "Yes-Man" only a bit more controlled. I loved that movie. It made his life so much better to say yes, and taking chances. It's like that in real life too. Just be positive. 

Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 17

"Something that you're proud of"

If there is something that I'm proud of, it's my girls. Kristina and Mette, we've been close friends for a long time, and I love them so dearly. We've been through so much together, and I couldn't be more proud, than when I see how far they've come! Trust me, I've seen them both at their lowest and I've been there through it all, and I feel like I've watched flowers bloom after a long long winter. I've seen two people go from surviving to living, and if that isn't worth being proud of, I can't think of anything that is. 

These girls are the greatest people I've ever met. I've never met such honest, loving, supportive people as them, and they have the biggest hearts. Hearts so large to stay by my side while I was in the same place, even though they had their own problems, they were there for me - all the way. 

It's been a hell of a ride, but I've seen these two women transform. It's been like watching night turn into day, looking at them is like looking at the most beautiful sunrise. I've held them while they cried, I've listed when they opened their hearts, and I've found friends for life. I am so glad we took this journey together, cause I don't think any of us could have made it on our own. This leaves me without a doubt to the conclusion, that I am never gonna give up on the friendship that I have with them. I am gonna try, for the rest of my life, to repay these two, and help them as much as I can - Because they helped me save myself. (Oh god I'm crying and getting really emotional here..)

I am so proud. Of all of us. We made it girls. We made it out of the darkness. And together we are greater. ❤

Blog challenge day 16

Something you always think "what if..." about?"

I think "what if..." about a lot of things. One I always think is "what if that didn't happen?" about everything. What if things had never changed? What if I was never bullied in middle school? What if I never went to the SPC? What if I was never born? Where would the people in my life be right now? What if I screamed right now? What if I said "......." right now? I always wonder what would have happened if I had said what I meant, instead of the things that I'm supposed to say (the few times where I do not express my honest opinion)

What if I had graduated last summer? Would I have gotten better by myself, or is it good that I moved and got into therapy? Would I have been able to get better without the knowledge I got from my therapy? I don't think I would, but I always wonder "what if..."

What if I told the entire truth? Most people often leave out parts of the truth. What if people actually knew, why I went to therapy? How would they look at me? Differently is what I'm afraid of.