Blog challenge day 22

"Your academics"

.. Go f*ck yourself!

Blog challenge day 20

"Your fears"

I am diagnosed with anxiety, so I have many fears. I'm just gonna mention some of my phobias, because they are less personal.

Clowns
I am terrified of clowns, and a few years back I went to the circus with my smaller siblings and a friend. My friend held me while they were on stage, and when they went out to the audience, I cried like I was about to be brutally murdered. I hate clowns, they are so scary. The worst clown is the McDonalds clown, because it is a clown and it stands for a company that I find repulsing. End of it.

People in full body costumes with masks
You know, like the ones running around in Disneyland. A huge teddy bear or a Mickey Mouse can scare me to death. My friends know this and they usually hold me, while walking a big circle around them on the street.. While I'm hyperventilating and halfway crying. I hate it and it is embarrassing, but that's what I'm afraid of.

Losing
My greatest fear is losing a loved one. Nothing can terrify me like the thought of losing my friends, sisters or parents. I love them so much and I don't know how I'd get by without them. I am just very awful at losing.

Blog challenge day 19

"Five items you lust after"

I don't really know how to find items that I lust for. I just chose some of the things I want or wish for.

1. My boyfriend.
He's so amazing. I love spending time with him, and he is just such wonderful company. And yeah, admitted - I lust for him. ;b He's funny (no you're not sweetheart), beautiful, sweet, sexy, loving and caring. I am so in love, and even though we might annoy each other sometimes, there are still so much about him that I love, and that I just can't get enough of. Other guys don't interest me, he's enough man for me. ❤

2. More hours pr. day.
The days are too short, I don't have time for anything! I just need for there to be five more hours in a day, it would solve all my sleeping problems, and I would actually have time for all the things I've got going on. If it was possible, that would be my biggest wish.

3. An apartment.
If I am to start at a school in Horsens after New Years I need to find an apartment there soon, I am getting desperate! I can't afford to commute daily. I just can't find a place that I can afford.. Damn it!

4. Getting into art school or the writers academy.
I really want to get into an education that I actually want and find interesting. I just don't think I have the grades nor the talent for it. I really want to qualify, and I'm gonna do the best I can, I just need to get everything right first. So help me god..

5. A new TV.
My TV is ancient, it is one my dad got cheap from his boss because he bought a new one. It's one of the first flatscreen TVs made, and compared to the newer ones, it is not flat at all. The sound sucks, and on most of my movies, it only plays the background sounds, and not the voices, so that sucks balls. I've wanted it for a long time, but I am just not willing to pay several thousand dkk for a tv, cause I don't use it that much, when I'm alone.

Blog challenge day 21

"How you hope your future will be like"

I hope that I will be happy in my future. I don't nessesarily want to get married and have kids like everyone else. I just want to be happy in the future. The circumstances are not the important for me. I just want to be happy and remember what I have learned. I'd like to get an education though. Then I hope to be able to afford a large apartment and have a dog. And a cat. 

I hope I will stay young in mind, and that I will not be boring at the age of 30. I want to live the way I want to, and not miss out in a thing even if its stupid. I want to experience as much as I can, and I wanna find love that I can have fun with forever. Who knows I might even be with my current boyfriend in 10 years. :b

I hope that I'll be healthy, and that my family is good still. I hope to spend more time with Mette, and never stop seeing with Kristina. I'd like to try everything once and what I like, I'll try again. Adventures. Never turning down an opportunity, kinda like the movie "Yes-Man" only a bit more controlled. I loved that movie. It made his life so much better to say yes, and taking chances. It's like that in real life too. Just be positive. 

Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 17

"Something that you're proud of"

If there is something that I'm proud of, it's my girls. Kristina and Mette, we've been close friends for a long time, and I love them so dearly. We've been through so much together, and I couldn't be more proud, than when I see how far they've come! Trust me, I've seen them both at their lowest and I've been there through it all, and I feel like I've watched flowers bloom after a long long winter. I've seen two people go from surviving to living, and if that isn't worth being proud of, I can't think of anything that is. 

These girls are the greatest people I've ever met. I've never met such honest, loving, supportive people as them, and they have the biggest hearts. Hearts so large to stay by my side while I was in the same place, even though they had their own problems, they were there for me - all the way. 

It's been a hell of a ride, but I've seen these two women transform. It's been like watching night turn into day, looking at them is like looking at the most beautiful sunrise. I've held them while they cried, I've listed when they opened their hearts, and I've found friends for life. I am so glad we took this journey together, cause I don't think any of us could have made it on our own. This leaves me without a doubt to the conclusion, that I am never gonna give up on the friendship that I have with them. I am gonna try, for the rest of my life, to repay these two, and help them as much as I can - Because they helped me save myself. (Oh god I'm crying and getting really emotional here..)

I am so proud. Of all of us. We made it girls. We made it out of the darkness. And together we are greater. ❤

Blog challenge day 16

Something you always think "what if..." about?"

I think "what if..." about a lot of things. One I always think is "what if that didn't happen?" about everything. What if things had never changed? What if I was never bullied in middle school? What if I never went to the SPC? What if I was never born? Where would the people in my life be right now? What if I screamed right now? What if I said "......." right now? I always wonder what would have happened if I had said what I meant, instead of the things that I'm supposed to say (the few times where I do not express my honest opinion)

What if I had graduated last summer? Would I have gotten better by myself, or is it good that I moved and got into therapy? Would I have been able to get better without the knowledge I got from my therapy? I don't think I would, but I always wonder "what if..."

What if I told the entire truth? Most people often leave out parts of the truth. What if people actually knew, why I went to therapy? How would they look at me? Differently is what I'm afraid of. 

Blog challenge day 15

"Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality"

Cancer

A cancer is characterized as a person who needs constant reassurance and intimacy, is known to be moody and addicted to feeling safe.
They are said to be compassionate and caring, but known to be jealous as fuck and have serious mood-swings. A cancer might seem tough on the outside but is soft and warm on the inside. (<- anyone="anyone" did="did" else="else" naughty="naughty" p="p" sound="sound" that="that" to="to">Cancerians are told to be the most romantic and have the strongest feelings of love, but is also told to be the worst breakup. Mysterious, stimulating and fascinating are words that are used to describe a Cancerian too.

I think some of it fits my personality. I hate to admit being as some writer said it, when I like to think that I am unique, but it fits pretty well anyway. If you wanna read about your zodiac, here's where I read about mine: link

Blog challenge day 14

"What you wore today"

Today I've been wearing jeans, a top with a striped t-shirt over it, a cardigan and two big scarfs. It's been freezing outside all day, and I locked myself out of the apartment, and my keys were gone, so I had to walk down town, because the key to my bike was gone as well.
Besides that, I wore mittens and my leather jacket. Because that's just how hardcore I am. And I'm ugly today because I'm not wearing any make up and my hair looks like a bird nest.

Blog challenge day 13

"Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it"

I've spent way too much time on trying to lose weight. I've been really sick. I've been treated for it 3 different places and believe it or not, I used to be thin. It was never enough back then. But eventually I had enough. I got better. I stopped caring. I still thought about it for years after. Now I've just accepted the way I look, cause I know that even though I have enormous thighs, a huge ass and a badass muffin-top, I'm still sexy as hell. I realize that now, but I didn't back then. Back then I was striving for perfection, but now I've realized that nothing is perfect, that perfect is a stupid concept, and an illusion.

I wouldn't have learned to accept my body without the influence my former partners had. The compliments of a boyfriend means everything, and boosts the self esteem, and my boyfriends have been good at complimenting my body. Eventually my views on body image changed big time, and I realized that I think curves are beautiful. I love women with hips, thighs that touch and wiggle when they walk and an ass that's big enough to smack hard without knocking the bitch over! That is hot. Why go out and shake it, if it ain't shaking?

And a guys body doesn't have to be covered in visible muscles, huge guns and an eightpack. I like slim guys better, because I think the slim triangle shape with a tiny ass and wide shoulders is beautiful. A beautiful backside, that you just wanna jump and bite till you leave marks. Damn that shit is sexy as hell. 

So yeah, basically.. I like my body. I know I'm sexy. I'm curvy and I like it, and I'm not alone in that opinion. 

Blog challenge day 12

Robert Pattinson, actor / sexiest (young) man

Adam Lambert, singer and beautiful gay man

"Five guys whom I find attractive"

It's late and I'm tired so I'm just gonna give you the pictures of them.

Bruce Willis, actor / snack

Steve Morse, lead guitarist of Deep Purple

Jeffree Star, singer and stunning trans / cunt

Blog challenge day 11

"Your family"

My family is really close. My mom and dad have been married for 25 years, and together for 35 years. They belong together, and non of them could ever imagine not having the other. They have so much love, that they brought two foster children into our family from when they were babies, even though they had my big sister and I. I couldn't imagine a better relationship than the one I have to my parents. We can talk about everything, because that's just the kind of people we are. We have so many jokes together, and a shared understanding.

My big sister and I are best friends and better. We can do everything together, and talk about everything and it is just wonderful. My two younger foster sisters are my babies. No matter how big they grow I still see them as little innocent children. The first one is 14 now, and I can't bare that she's growing up. The other one is 9 and she's half greenlander, and is the most beautiful little lovely girl in the world. She had a really hard time when I moved, and it took her weeks of crying herself to sleep in my mom's room, to get used to the fact that I didn't live at my parents anymore. That's a little bit about my family. (:

Blog challenge day 10

"Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play"

So sorry about the delay on my last two blog challenges, here's the one from Monday!

1. Adam Lambert - Runnin'
2. Train (feat. Ashley Monroe) - Bruices
3. Papa Roach - Engage
4. Simple Plan - Thank You
5. Carpark North - Best Day
6. Mishka - Angels and Devils
7. The Darkness - Girlfriend
8. Hurts - Evelyn
9. Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
10. Retox Panic - Sound Of Steel

Blog challenge day 9

"How important you think education is"

I'M SORRY! I'm so sorry I'm behind on the blog challenge Christmas calendar. Here you have the one from Sunday!

Personally I think education is very important in our society, but that I think is because we've made it matter so much. My parents and grandparents doesn't have the sort of educations that we are getting, because it wasn't needed to get a job back when they were young.
I somehow think it is sad that it has become so important for our future well being. I mean, there should be something for everybody, because not everybody has the same feelings about studying for 5 years just to get a job they want.

I'm pretty relaxed about it, because I've been through so much through business college. I let it become everything, and when I lost it, I broke apart. Since then I've learned that it isn't necessarily as important as we make it seem. There is a chance for the ones who doesn't educate, and they can have good lives too. But society puts so much pressure on the youth, that we feel like we have to take a long education, even though many drop out sooner or later because it's hard. It's good to learn, but there are so much more to learn than what it says in the books. I think it is good to learn the basics, as long as you don't forget to live, because the things you learn from living life is just as important as what you can read your way to, if not more.

Blog challenge day 8

"What you ate today"

Today I was a fatass :-) I've had pasta with cream and cheese sauce, spinach, mushrooms and asparagus. Then I had 2 pancakes and some chrisps, and now I'm just getting drunk, cause I'm taking my lady out tonight. We're going to Club Christopher. Cya tomorrow for something a little more interesting :b

Blog challenge day 7

"Five pet peeves"

All right, I'd never heard that phrase before so let me explain; I looked up "pet peeves" in the beloved urban dictionary, and it said: "Stuff that people do that pisses you off". If that is true here it comes, if not - Please tell me!

Homophobia

If there is one thing that pisses me off, it is people going all homophobic while I'm present. I really can't see why people feel the need to bring others down because of their sexuality. Honestly I think that kind of disrespect is disgusting. People are people and love is love, and love can take all forms. I can't see what it is? Homosexuals are not wrong in any way, it's the homophobics that are wrong! Discriminating people and thinking they shouldn't have all the human rights that everyone else have, that's just too fucking wrong. Why can't we just let people be people? I'm pansexual. That means that I fall in love with a person, not the genitalia and gender of the person, but what is on the inside. I love my sexuality, because I don't discriminate anyone. Man, woman, transgender, I could still love you. So what's all this hate good for anyway? Besides I have so many gay friends, and I love them so much. One of my dearest friends is a lesbian, and the love that she and her girlfriend share is beautiful and pure, and I don't see how anyone could think wrong of that. I've been in love with girls before, and I've been in love with guys as well, does that make me wrong? Its love, so why are people hating?


People that ride their bikes in a pedestrian zone
There is a reason it is called a pedestrian zone, and that is not so that you can ride your fucking bike there. It's annoying for ALL the pedestrians there, and it just pisses me off, that people can respect that.



When people call me a punk

I am not a punk. Having piercings and stretches doesn't make me a punk. It's incredible how narrow-minded people are, how everything has to be put in a stereotypical box. I've been called a lot of things in my life, and I've always been the class rock-chick. I don't listen to whatever music everyone else listens to. I like rock, metal, punk, post-grunge and so forth, and because of that, I must be a punker. A punker was a style that was popular in the 80's, and if people knew what a punker really looked like, they would know that I am not one. I do not wear a lot of black makeup around my eyes, I do not have a long mohawk, and I don't wear back patches, so please hear me when I say I am not a punker. It is because of peoples lack of knowledge that this kind of misunderstandings find place. Pisses me off :-)

Racism
Get over yourself. Please just pull yourself together and accept the fact that the world can't be claimed, and that everyone should be able to come to your country if the conditions are better there. We are all human. Humans come in all sizes, shapes, colors and so on, and it pisses me off when people can't see that. Why is it so hard to accept that we are all the same? We are all alike. We might have different cultures, but there should be room enough for all of them right? And I CANNOT see the difference between a white person and a black person. If we bleed, is it not red? If we smile, do we not spread joy? Haven't we all got the right to live the life we've been given? All people have the same basics - we all have love and affection, so why is skintone so important? I live at Nørrebro in Copenhagen, which is the part of the city where most of the immigrants live, and I love living there. They meet so much hate from racism, that some of them get all surprised when you smile at them on the street. I do that cause no matter the language, we are all human and a smile always means the same. Spread the love right?

When people tell me; "stop touching your hair"

I have trichotillomania, and yes oh how people look at me in funny ways, because they really don't understand. But when my friends or family tells me to stop touching my hair, I get pissed. This is not something I just do because it's funny, it is an impulse control disorder, and I am doing everything I can already. I cut my hair short, and I was vulnerable - I flashed my bold spots, until the hair grew back, and that took courage, because it was EMBARRASSING! When people commented on it I wanted to bury myself alive with shame. I try, okay? There is no need to keep reminding me that this issue I have is freaky, weird, annoying or however the hell you can put it - So just shut up about it, it's non of your fucking business.

Blog challenge day 6

"Your views on mainstream music"

I consider mainstream music the stuff that everyone hears, that pleases the most ears. That in itself is a good thing, that this is what's being played on the radio. I don't listen to radio. I carry around my own music collection of the music I like on my iPhone and iPad, with over 3.300 tracks. Sometimes there is a song that I think is good on the radio, so I go get it for my iPhone.
But mostly my kind of music isn't mainstream. I really love hard rock music like Papa Roach, KISS and Crossfade. I'm also really much into different kinds of metal such as Linkin Park, Volbeat and Three Days Grace. I also have my female artists Lady GaGa, Sia, Evanescence and P!nk, and got some oldschool punk from The Offspring.

Honestly my genres are not music for evey taste, but I love it. So I'd much rather listen to my music than yours :b And all music is better on Vinyl of course, always!

Blog challenge day 5

"Things you want to say to an ex"

Alexander Jesper. We sort of got fixed up, and since we're both very flirty we started going out quickly. We didn't realize how different and wrong for each other we are. We are great as friends, and it's still nice to see you from time to time. But you're in VU (Venstres ungdom), and I can't even count all of the political discussions we've had, and many times I've told you to shut up about it, but it's just such a big part of you, that I can't take it. I'm a socialist, big time - and omg I don't even know how we lasted four months.
And besides that, it's hard to date a real ladies man. They were all over you all the time, and I don't like to share. I know you were faithful, but it's just not cool sitting at the other side of the country, knowing that your boyfriend is with his friends, whom most of happen to be good looking girls. Nah.

You're a great guy, and I'm glad you found a new beautiful girlfriend. Again-again-again :b
But no matter how great of a guy you are, I will always hate your grandfather because he tried to convert me into believing in god, and made me seem like a blasphemiest, he wouldn't let us sleep in the same room and I hated every second we spent at his house. Besides that, I hate that your father saw me completely naked while I was sleeping. Please always remember to return the shaver, for the sake of your future girlfriends.

Blog challenge day 4

"Bullet your whole day"

Today i woke up at 11pm and just I was just lying there for half an hour or so. I smoked a few cigarettes, and then I went and took a shower and put on makeup, body butter and made myself look hot. I decided that I couldn't bare to spend another night alone, so I packed my stuff and made the calls I should. I folded the laundry and started another machine full, and asked my brother in law to hang it up for me, so there is clean sheets for me when I get home <3 I called the Niels Broch office and was transferred further to a secretary, and she gave me the number to the guy I have to talk to. It was too late for today, but I'll call him tomorrow. I put on my new pants, new boots and my leather jacket, and headed for the bus. As usual it passed me the second I got out the door, but it was all right. I made it to the station and bought a chai latte, and had a cigarette before getting on the train. I read in my book most of the time, and got off in Fredericia where I had to change trains. I had a smoke and now I'm sitting in the last train, and I'm almost there. Alexander is gonna pick me up at the station. I surprised him by leaving him a message to see when he got off work an hour ago, saying that I was coming and spending the night. He was glad I did, and so am I. I'm gonna see him in a few minutes, and I just can't wait to be with him again, just for a little while <3 that was my day so far!

Update #2

I've been at my parents this weekend. Friday I was with my friend, and we had a nice evening together before she leaves for Australia. I'm glad I had the chance to say goodbye and give her, her Christmas present. It was a t-shirt, and she liked it. I'm glad.
Saturday evening I went to my friend's place an he made us dinner, and we just had a nice time together. We watched Date Night, one of my favorite comedies, and I finally got to see Ted. It was so awesome, I laughed so hard. It was great seeing him again.

I'm on the train on my way back to Copenhagen now. There is group therapy tomorrow, and after that I have a single session with my therapist. Tomorrow is the last day of group therapy for me. It's so sad, I'm gonna miss them so much! Amazing people. <3 Still have a few sessions left with my therapist, but I'll be done there before Christmas.
Tomorrow I am gonna call the one person in the world whom I hate the most. It's a challenge, but I want to do it. But I still hope he gets cancer and suffers a slow and painful death :-))) but enough about my feelings of vengeance. I won't be home until about 10 pm -.- I'm always home late. Tomorrow I'll be washing clothes all day, when I'm done with therapy. It's all in the laundry basket, so my drawers are empty. Bwaah. Cya guys. (:

Blog challenge day 3

"A book you love"

If there is a book that amazed me it has got to be The Suicide Club by Rhys Thomas. I love this book so much, it really spoke to me. It was so exiting, and I found my self yelling at my mom to shut up, because I couldn't read while she was talking. This book is a masterpiece. Rhys Thomas is a genius, and he deserves the biggest thank you for this book. 

The book is a about a high school boy, becoming friends with a new student in their class, Freddy. They become great buddies, and along with four other friends, these guys form a pact. They swear to remember that they are better than other people, and that people don't understand and so forth. Freddy writes this pact, that he named "the suicide club" and made everybody sign it. One of the guys in the group is really unstable and depressed, and on Freddy's first day of school, this guy also tried to kill himself by overdosing on aspirin in the back of the classroom in the middle of a class. These youngsters all become close friends, and they push away from everybody else. 

This book is my favorite of all time, and I'd rate it 5 out of 5 stars! 

Pages: 400

Year: 2010

Publisher: Black Swan
You can buy the Kindle version of this book right here, you won't regret it. 

Blog challenge day 2

"Something you feel strongly about"

LIFE

There are so many people out there feeling like life isn't worth living. I'm serious, SO many more than you'd think. And I know that, because I used to be one of these people. If you feel like that, read on and know that things can change. You can change. It took me years to change this, but holy fuck I'm glad I changed! When you feel this way, you don't see how things can change, how things can get better. But they can. You just have to change the way you think. The way you look at things, and judge! Change that! Stop judging.

Live now
Yesterday is in the past, and you can't change the past - so why bother? Observe and describe what's here and now. Throw the shit you carry on your back away, leave it in the past where it belongs, and don't think about it. Accept what ever happened and move on. It's not as hard moving on than you might think. See it as a big fat sack of shit that you're just dragging around behind you - do you really need the content of that sack? Do you really need all of those things, feelings, thoughts that bring you down? No! Accept that it happened, and don't judge yourself or others, and just put it in the past and move on to what is right now. The future doesn't have to be of worry either. Don't worry.

Blog challenge day 1

5 ways to win my heart

There are many ways to win a girls heart, and here are some things that makes my heart surrender.

Hug me from behind. 
If there is a thing I love it is being hugged from behind. It's the best thing in the world. It makes me feel small and safe and it's lovely and warm, when its cold outside. And since you already hold me that way, it's a great opportunity to kiss my neck. Since I have pretty short hair, that shouldn't be so bad? I love it, having someone kiss my neck and shoulders is just wonderful I think. Agree?


Chemistry.
There are many ways to win a girls heart, but if there ain't chemistry, there ain't nothing to come for in the first place. If I find you attractive you know it, and if there is chemistry between two people it's something you can feel. Either it's there or it's not, and if it ain't there that's just too bad. Chemistry is what makes people stay together. It makes everything better. It is what brings passion, and I need passion in a relationship. I want you to want me. Let me KNOW that you like me, I'm not a mindreader remember. Look me in the eyes, kiss me, show me, get to know me, let me get to know you. That should take us far already.

Like me for me.
I go for people who likes me, for the person I am. I like myself, I like the way I am, and I'm not interested in changing. Some say you should be willing to change for the ones you love, well I'm not gonna do that. I want someone who likes the little things that makes me special. I do some weird stuff and I like it! My laugh sounds like hyenas fucking (link), deal with it! If you can't live with it, don't expect me to stay. I like my body as well, and I'm not gonna go on some crazy diet to get a flat stomach, just to please you. I need someone who likes looking at my body, even though it's not perfect and I'll never be on the cover of a magazine. I am a REAL woman, and I want a real person who sees that - and likes it. Imma end this with a quote from a very wise man; "The only three things a guy should change about his girl is; her last name, her address and her viewpoint on men" - Wiz Khalifa

Serve me coffee in the morning.
Coffee in the morning makes my day so much better, it makes it even better if the coffee is served by a person I care about, and who cares about me. If you care about me enough to get me coffee, even though you might not drink it yourself, it shows me that you like me - even if you don't like coffee kisses. And of course know how I like my coffee; I like it black btw.

Smile and fuck me good. 
Yeah you heard me! I want someone who can fuck me good, and there is only one way to find out if you do that. Sex is a huge part of being human, and if you like the person you're banging, you bang her better! Sex is important, we all do it, and we're gonna do it till our bodies can't fuck no more, so rather spend time with someone you like, who shags good.
If you like a person, you like to see them happy, and that is the reason the smile is so important. I'm not looking for a person who could be in a Colgate commercial - not even close, but a person whose smile I just can't get enough of. A lovely smile and a sparkle in the eyes makes me want to make you smile.

New 30 day blog challenge - Let's do it!

Another update

My best friend is leaving Denmark to go to Australia for three months. I'm gonna miss her. She's leaving this Tuesday, an I only get to see her Friday. I really hope she has the time of her life. She deserves to get away from Denmark for a little while, and I'm sure it'll be good for her.
I'm sitting in the train on my way home from Alexander. Going back to Copenhagen. I'm gonna see my therapist tomorrow. I can't wait. It's been weeks since we've had a session, just the two of us. I'll be done with therapy soon, oh I'm so nervous. I have to frame and hang stuff from the book on my walls. I don't want to forget all of these great things I've learned. I'm gonna miss my therapist so much. She's the most talented professional I've ever had the honor to talk to. She's just so great.
After therapy tomorrow I'll probably clean up the apartment a little bit, and then I'll have to pack my stuff again and go to my parents. Then I'll say properly goodbye to my friend on Friday, and I'll probably just stay the rest of the weekend at my parents.
Have a nice time you guys.

Nattens dødelighed

Når du hastigt falder hen i drømme
Ligger jeg med sanserne på spids
Din arm om mig og følelser så ømme
Ej en nat før har jeg følt mig så tilfreds
Drømmer jeg monstro allerede
Eller er det sandt at du er til stede

Et glip med øjnene når jeg kysser dig
Dit tag om mig bliver lidt fastere
Intet jeg skal nå før lyset når mig
Ud over havet er der intet der haster
Et hav a drømme drukner os to
Aldrig har jeg haft en drøm så god

Den forsigtige hævelse af dit bryst
Et vemodigt suk mod min nakke
Jeg er sårbar men her findes trøst
Nøgen dog tryg med dig som frakke
Angst at falde hen i øjeblikket denne
Et øjeblik perfekt burde aldrig ende

Et godnatkys summer på mine læber
Stop tiden nu, lad natten vare evigt
Ånder sort ind knytter dine hænder
Fredsommelighed i dit smukke ansigt
Som et pust af sommer sukker du
Har aldrig været mere i live end nu

Jeg kysser nænsomt din bløde mund
Inden disse grønne glasøjne lukker
Kærtegn på læberne så blød og rund
Små ryk mens bevidstheden slukker
Denne smukke tiltalende virkelighed
Morgen blotter nattens dødelighed


af Kiri Rehmeier
den 14. november 2012

Fremtid

Hvad mon fremtiden har med
Mennesker går og bekymre sig
Men dette grunder i at de ikke ved
Fremtiden er nu, fremtiden er dig
Tænk ikke på de dage der kommer
Hvad gør det for dig i denne stund
Forskuds bekymringer i dine lommer
Er det virkelig en klog mands grund

Et splitsekund af fremtiden sker
Når du lukker og atter syner igen
Tænk på det der er lige nu og her
Men sikkert er dog altid en ting
Tiden får en ende, der er ens for alle
Ti ej længere, stå op, tag et skridt
Lad stilheden dø, det er tid til at tale
Vend ryggen til alt det du har smidt

Hvis meningen med livet ikke er at dø
Monstro det så kunne være at leve
Sløv og hvileløs vandring på en øde ø
Så fortæl mig vil De bare eksistere
Slider jer ned for at nå til et sted
I sidste ende er det så det værd
Når man en dag skal sænkes ned
På sidste dagen først at have lært

Synd og skam

Af Kiri Rehmeier
7. november 2012

Confession

I can't feel myself, really can't feel shit,

My throat is dry, is my cigarette even lit?

So empty inside,

Awake all night.

I light another smoke for my loneliness,

My suffering, suffocation and unhappiness.

No energy left,

To stop breathing.

Should I really wait until I'm cracked,

Or die with my pride still attached?

 Like an itch that you can't scratch,

A pain inside, impossible to snatch.

To carry on pretending,

Until the bitter ending.

Throat so sore I just can't swallow,

Crying inside from eyes so hollow.

Save me,

Rescue me.

Seeking satisfaction in a material thing, 

Couldn't care less what people think.

Words are my escaping, digging up the dirt.

But they are too small to describe this hurt.

Hands in the air,

Surrender, don't you dare.

Life is real, but I wish it was fiction,

Finding release through a hurtful addiction.

Feeling so neglected,

Alive but disconnected.

We all have to learn and memorize the lesson,

I did, and you just read my confession.

by Kiri Rehmeier 07/10/12

Forklaring

Jeg er forvirret, og jeg synes det er svært. 

Trods erfaring, har jeg virkelig intet lært?

Vil ikke slippe, men er jeg klar til at holde?

"Hvad-nu-hvis"-tankerne frier sig at udfolde,

Hvad nu hvis jeg måtte dig såre?

Jeg ville ikke kunne bære dine tårer.

Jeg er på bar bund, hvad skal jeg gøre?

Hver af dine tårer ville jeg dog tørre.

Men den må stoppe her, for jeg kan intet fastholde,

Vil stadig beskytte dig med svær og skjolde.

Ja, livet er en kamp og vi må udkæmpe den sammen,

I en hektisk distance er det svært at holde til larmen.

Dit galoperende hjerte må du standse,

Jeg kan intet mærke, og derfor ikke danse.

Jeg er hoppet af følelsernes tog,

Over dem er der blevet lagt et låg.

De er der et øjeblik, men så fjerne i det næste,

Og med dig min egen, vil jeg aldrig lade dem teste.

Jeg ville hjertens gerne, men jeg må atter tøve,

For på dit lille hjerte vil jeg dem aldrig afprøve.

Jeg ville ønske jeg kunne give dig noget mere,

Men jeg har kun ét hjerte, jeg kan ikke give dig flere.

Jeg har nået konklusionen, at jeg intet kan bevare,

Intet kan jeg holde fast, og jeg har prøvet at forklare.

Days Go By

The album cover for "Days Go By"
by The Offspring

I've been a huge offspring fan for years, and I was as excited as a child on Christmas, when they released "Rise and Fall, Race and Grace" back in 2008. The style that is loved by all The Offspring fans hadn't changed, and THANK GOD for that! I loved that album, and it completely lived up to the expectations. Just as excited was I when they released their 2012 album "Days Go By", and I wasn't disappointed!! The true offspring style is still there, and just as they were on "Rise and Fall, Race and Grace", the lyrics had improved too! I loved the remake of "Dirty Magic", and I was mesmerized by ALL the rest of the songs on the album. They punk music these days has gotten weak, and not even real punk-ish, but this punk rock album sure brought it back to life again! The funny songs such as "Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)" and "Why Don't You Get A Job", that the band has gotten very famous for, and which everyone can sing along to, has also gotten a new one to the family, called "Cruising California (Bumpin' In My Trunk)". It's funny lyrics and the wonderful and happy 

A picture I took during the Offspring concert in Skive
this summer. 

beat makes me sure, that it is gonna make a hit. 

Also the album titled song "Days Go By" is an amazing work of art. I heard the song when it got released, which was short before I was to see The Offspring live at Skive Festival in Denmark. I stood in front of the scene hours before the band was to go on stage, because I wanted that exact spot in front of the scene. And as I had hoped for I got a spot at the very front in the middle. I was only a few feet away from Dexter when he went to the edge of the stage, and to be honest, I had to stop myself from climbing the fence. The concert was amazing, and they truly nailed it. I was screaming along to every song, and when they played songs from "Days Go By", most of the audience didn't really know what to do, but I was screaming as f*ck the entire time! Guys, you might not be 25 anymore, but you still know how to rock it! I'll never stop listening to offspring. 
Me wearing my favorite 
Offspring T-shirt.
If you haven't heard or bought "Days Go By" yet, go do it! You won't regret it. 

Horror movie in my head

I wake up at least ten times every night covered in sweat, barely awake long enough to know, that the cruel reality I just escaped was just a horrible nightmare.

Then I fall back asleep, and usually the previous dream continues from where I awoke. Not missing a second of the horrific events. Almost like pressing the pause button on the remote. Awful. 

I cannot escape the nightmares. These nightmares are not those with monsters and blood every where. These are realistic. 

Car crashes with me in the drivers seat and my friends in the back. 

Being humiliated at school. Getting in fights

Standing in a bar and being verbally attacked by someone you think you might know from somewhere.

Having horrible red itching rashes everywhere, that everyone notices.

These things might not sound bad, but the unpleasant aura and the general horror-like mood in the dream makes it bad. Actually feeling the pain as if it was real.. Very real. Screaming from the pain but no sound is to be heard and suddenly... I can't breathe. So I suffocate.

Lay me down

It's over, I quit.

I'm about as lifeless as it gets

It's not like I'm worth saving anyways.

I don't belong here, I never really wanted to be here.

Why can't somebody else take my place.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

I'm useless, I'm done.

I've written letters to the ones

I've loved so much that it hurts to say goodbye.

I don't wanna die, I just don't don't wanna be alive.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Lay me down, I'm so tired.

Empty Inside, Alive and uninspired.

Yea, I feel such a feelin' that I never knew

Something I always thought I couldn't do.

But you don't know anything

That makes me feel life

Except making you bleed five times,

In one night.

You know you deserved it.

Acceptance

Am I the one misunderstanding or is there

something wrong with the world today?

Shouldn't I be able to live my life, the way 

I want to live it, without being judged by 

all other human beings passing by me?

I dream of breaking free evey night

Every day I am reminded that those 

beautiful pictures are just in my imagination.

People talk about life, as though there is 

only one way to live it, and those who stands

out are the outcast of our generation.

Why? Why does it have to be so hard just to

be you?

How come we never see people with 

"Free Hugs"-signs anymore? What is so 

wrong with wanting to give a little love?

Why is love a tabu in this country? Respect 

is all we ever talk about. Love is only brought

up in closed forums. What is the matter with 

the adults of our community? Where did

the love go? Maybe that is why evey third

marrige end in divorce. Because they marry 

out of respect in stead of love. Possible.

The divorce rate of gay marriages are much

lower - so why do people disguise gay marridge?

Because they actually know the true meaning 

Of marridge? 

I don't understand the adult generation today.

I just can't see how respect and traditions can

be more important than love and humanity.

Love is not a promise to god? It's a promise to

yourself and your partner. In my opinion

the youth have got it right in this one. They are 

more accepting of love and differences, than 

the older generations. Of course there are 

youngsters that doesn't accept either, and 

adults that do, but compared to each other, 

which is more accepting?

Et sølle liv

Lille du
Der er glasskår i min seng
en skitseblok fyldt med lidende mennesker
for hver tåre indeni der falder
tænder jeg en ny cigaret
et halvtomt, et halvkoldt krus kaffe
med en smøg i min flab
står jeg midt i dødens gab

sidder i min ensomhed, min smerte og min tomhed
de ved at der er noget, men de ser dig ikke
de ved ik' hvem du er, men du vil mine vinger stikke
Hvem er jeg? Hvad er jeg? -engel, uheld, ussel
hvordan kan det være at i ser mig som en trussel?

Hvad fanden skal jeg sige når der ingen andre er?
selvmedlidenhed - hvad skal jeg dog med det?
men sprut og nikotin det skal fanme bare mixes
for farmand han har indset at det her det ik' ka' fixes.


(Denne skitse er over et år gammel)

Hot Cakes

At the moment I am listening to the 2012 album by The Darkness called "Hot Cakes". I want to know their new songs, because they are the warm-up band for Lady GaGa, whom I'm going to see this sunday in Parken, Copenhagen! I can't wait! Lady GaGa is my fucking favorite!!! And The Darkness are awesome :b
It has been easier for me to think that I was to see The Darkness, cause seeing Lady GaGa live is just so HUGE for me! I haven't really been able to believe it, because I bought the tickets in.. April or something? It has just been too huge to believe, but now that it's come so close, it's become so real. I'm so excited!
I've bought a new outfit, and this is it:

A long white top, (long enough to cover my ass) going on top of a pair of thights with holes in them, and a short T-shirt with the text "Reckless Trouble Maker" written on it. I think it's cool, and I figured it would fit to my make up, and I feel SO DRESSED TO BALL in it!! I SO HOPE MY WONDERFUL FRIENDS AND I GET INTO THE MONSTER PIT!!!

I also planned my make-up, I've only done it once before, so I hope I can pull it off again. I'm doing the skeletal-face make-up from the Lady GaGa "Born This Way"-musicvideo. In the picture below I've only done half of my face, but I'm gonna make it full-face for the Born This Way Ball! And then I'm gonna make my hair BIG.

I'm just so excited! We're gonna be there from the early morning, and I think we all got our hopes up for the Monster Pit. The chance is there! I'll probably have to do my make up in front of Parken, because it's gonna take HOURS to get it just perfect! I can't wait to see GaGa! She's my fucking ICON! ❤❤❤

Tomorrow my two best friends are coming to my place, and we're gonna go out tomorrow night. I've missed being with them SO MUCH!!! It's been 6 months since we've been together all three! I've missed it like crazy and I can't wait. Love them so ❤ See you guys soon!

Alt det hun er

Hun er som en sommer dag, hvor 

kliche det end lyder. Varm og 

nærmes ulidelig dejlig. Jeg får en 

lidenskabelig lyst, til at tage tøjet af, 

og mærke hendes varme på min 

nøgne hud. 

Hun er som en vase, med sine 

perfekte kurver. Bløde runde former, 

men stadig tynd og skrøbelig. Tab 

hende ikke, for hun kan knuses i 

tusind stykker, som glas. En 

skrøbelig skønhed.

Hun er som en stjerneklar december 

nat. Hendes øjne funkler, mens hvid 

røg undslipper hendes varme mund. 

Kinderne bliver så smukt røde. Hvad 

mon hun gemmer på, bag de lange 

sorte skygger? 

Hun er som en rose, så betagende i al 

sin fryd. Et forvirrende mønster, 

men så hypnotiserende smuk og sød. 

På trods af kulden og livets realitet, 

vil hun altid atter genopstå, selvom 

hun falmer.

Hun er som en aftenkjole, så fin at 

man ikke kan undgå, at vende sig og 

tage et ekstra kig. Udenpå er hun 

bedårende, dog kan det skønne ydre 

ikke måle sig med skønheden, der er 

inden under.

Hun er som et kys, så umådelig 

kærlig mod mine læber. Hun vækker 

følelser i mig, der giver mig årsag. Et 

kærtegn der giver lykke og mening til 

livet. Jeg smelter indeni, når hun siger

 "kys mig".

Hun er som en tåre, så ren og blid 

mod min kind. Et udtryk for de 

dybeste følelser, der fylder mit 

blødende hjerte. Så vemodig, så 

hvorfor leve? Fordi jeg har hende, 

aller dybest inde.

Af Kiri Rehmeier

Dedikeret til mit livs lys, min eneste sande kærlighed.

Wonderful Friday

Tomorrow is Friday, and I am going to see my wife!! I really really can't wait, I've missed her SO much, and I just can't wait to run into her arms, hug her till she feels small and protected, and then kiss her lips ❤ I feel so empty without her. Even the times where it's only been a week or so since we've seen each other, then I still miss her, and is filled with this relieved feeling of happiness whenever I see her before my eyes. She really does light up my world. Can't thank her enough for being in my life, and making it worth living ❤

Today I went to see my shrink. She's so sweet and I just feel like she understands me. We're on the same level and we basically just click. Looking forward to see her again on Thursday.

Søvnløshed

Mit hovede føles proppet. Tankerne

hober sig op, og danner et virvar af 

bekymringer. Jeg er altid bekymret. 

Der er altid ét eller andet, der går mig 

på. Det stopper aldrig. Det er som om 

jeg ikke kan lade være. Nærmest 

umuligt at styre dem andre veje.

Mine tanker racer altid rundt, og der 

er faktisk aldrig ro i mit hovede. Ofte 

kan for mange bekymringer blandet 

med uoverskuelighed, resultere i panik. 

Panisk angst der driver mig helt der ud, 

hvor vandet er så dybt, at man ikke 

længere kan ane bunden under sig. 

Helt der ud ,hvor distancen er så 

lang, at man ikke længere kan skue 

land i horisonten. Derude hvor det blå 

hav er så dybt, at det blå bliver sort. 

Jeg kan ikke bunde. Bunden er ikke 

eksisterende, og jeg er ikke længere i 

stand til, at holde mig selv flydende. 

Armenes febrilske fægten i kampen 

for at holde hovedet over vand 

svigter, og jeg synker - dybere og 

dybere. Angsten er for længst 

grebet ind, og har taget på mig. Det 

nytter ikke noget at kæmpe imod, det 

er allerede for sent, at styre den vej. 

Så jeg gør det eneste der er tilbage 

at gøre. Lader mig synke endnu 

dybere. Svigter bevidstheden mon 

før jeg når at ramme bunden? Jeg 

synker - langsomt. Da jeg løber tør 

for luft, og som jeg tvinges til at tage 

en indånding af det tunge sorte hav

Vågner jeg.

Af Kiri Rehmeier / natten til den 18. august 2012

Nattetanker

Ligger i mørket. Det eneste der bryder 

tavsheden er lyden af regnvåde veje, 

mens bilerne passerer forbi mit vindue. 

Søvnløsheden er dræbende. Selvom 

søvnen er tiltrængt, er den umulig at 

opnå netop denne nat - Denne nat, 

så vel som mange andre nætter. 

Beslutter mig for, at en cigaret mere 

ikke ville skade. Disse nattetimer er 

alligevel gået til spilde på nyttesløs 

forsøgen på at opnå søvnen, der 

efterhånden virker så fjern som paradis. 

Lige så uopnåelig. Overvejer mange 

gange at droppe søvnen for denne nat. 

Bare forblive vågen. Da jeg drejer hjulet 

på lighteren, lyses rummet op. Ikke meget, 

men nok til at få mig til at knibe øjnene 

sammen og blive blændet som en muldvarp. 

Nu er kun den røde glød synlig i det sorte. 

På trods af, at der intet er at se, har jeg

fortsat mine øjne åbne. De grønne.

Jeg har aldrig brudt mig om stilhed, så 

byens liv er betryggende i den sorte nat.

Den fortsatte lyd af biler der gennemtrænger 

små samlinger af regnvand på asfalten. 

Hvad mon de skal? De som kører rundt 

klokken halv fem om morgenen.

Can't find my way home

I'm on the train on my way home to Copenhagen. I have just entered the last hour of a 5,5 hour long train ride. I'm not really tired.. Just bored.
I really don't want to go home to my basement. Living in the basement is fine. I'm just so isolated, and I'm doing it to myself. Because I don't want to be upstairs. I don't like it. I feel cold and uncomfortable. But the deal is... I don't know where I would rather be. No place feels like home. It haunts me every day. The feeling of.. Being misplaced. Not being home. Not even knowing where home is anymore. Just sad. Sick of yourself. Sick of the person I am.

for her

Because you're the only one for me.

Crazy

I'm sitting in the train. It's like I'm in a trance. I can't think straight, and all I want is to smoke. What do I do? I calm myself down. How? I pull out my hair. I'm sitting with a huge pile of hair in my lap, and I don't want to throw it out. Because when you have to get rid of the evidence (the hair), you realise what you've done. Then I realise that people have been watching me for over an hour, while I was fully aware of it, but didn't care. They look at me like I'm crazy. I don.t bother, because while pulling I don't give a flying fuck about anything. It's like I'm floating and everything around me becomes quiet, and nothing is harmful. The feeling of the little white roots letting go of the follicle.. It's important to grab the hair by the roots just right, cause otherwise the hair will break, and the root doesn't come out, and the hair was wasted. That's how I feel. Unless you are a fellow sufferer from trichotillomania, you won't understand. I don't expect people to understand. I needed to write this for my own sake. Thank you.

To the person who destroyed my life

Kære Neve
Det er nu 48 dage siden at du smed mig ud fra Skive Handelsskole. Eller som du ville sige det "sat på standby". Nej, jeg er stadig ikke ovre det. Jeg tænker på det hver dag. Så nu vil jeg forsøge at få styr på mine følelser, gennem dette brev til dig.
Jeg føler at jeg har brugt for lang tid på at være ked af det, over det her - men jeg er fortsat ked af det. Dog har jeg i netop dette øjeblik, fået midlertidigt vendt min sorg til vrede. Hvem skal jeg være vred på? Mig selv først og fremmest, men det er ikke noget nyt, og det er egentlig en konstant følelse for en pige som mig. Men eftersom jeg har gået de sidste 48 dage og gået over hver eneste lille bitte detalje, omkring hele seancen den dag, må jeg indrømme, at en del af vreden også er tildelt dig. Jeg åbnede mit hjerte for dig og bad om hjælp, og din reaktion var at afvise mig. Hvad kalder man det? Hmm.. Der hvor jeg kommer fra kalder man det "at træde på én der allerede ligger ned"!!
Skolen var det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, Henrik - Og det tog du fra mig. Du tog det fra mig. Du tog mit aller sidste holdepunkt, og lod mig falde. Og jeg faldt, åh om jeg faldt. Hvis jeg sagde til dig før, at mit liv var et helvede, så var det løgn. NU er mit liv helvede. Jeg brænder op indeni. Jeg sidder HVER EVIG ENESTE NAT, og tænker "Hvorfor ikke? Jeg har jo alligevel intet tilbage". Jeg har intet mål længere Neve, for det tog DU fra mig! Du tog det sidste jeg havde at holde fast i, og rev det fra mig, med så kort varsel at jeg ikke engang havde tid til at forberede mig på, hvad jeg skulle gøre. Og hvad gør jeg så? Jeg falder Neve! Jeg falder! Dybere og dybere for hver dag! Og det er vores skyld Neve! Din og min.
"Du er for syg til at gå her". Det var dine ord. For syg? Så psykisk syge har ikke ret til en uddannelse!? Er jeg for syg til at få en uddannelse!? Du SMED mig ud, om du vil indrømme det eller ej! Du tog alt fra mig! Jeg sidder her med en stor fed klump i halsen og tårer i øjenkrogene, mens jeg skriver det her. For er du klar over, hvor hårdt det er? Hvor hårdt det er at leve med absolut intet? At leve, når du ved at du ikke duer til noget? At du ikke kan noget? At ingen tror på dig? NEJ! For du aner ikke hvordan det er!! Du har ingen idé om hvor meget smerte du har forvoldt mig! Du troede du gjorde mig en tjeneste, og tog vægten af mine skuldre - men nej. Du skubbede mig ud over kanten, og nu har jeg intet tilbage.
Jeg har ramt bunden Neve. Dette er resultatet af din beslutning. Mit liv er intet værd længere. Jeg kunne lige så godt være død, og det ville være en lettelse for alle. For mig selv, min familie, mine venner, alle jeg kender, og alle jeg ville møde i fremtiden. Den eneste der ville lide skyld af det, er dig. Og åh hvor jeg ønsker at du skal føle skyld. Jeg ønsker at du skal lide ligesom jeg har lidt. Jeg ønsker at du skal LIDE under min beslutning, ligesom jeg har lidt under din. Jeg ønsker at du skal leve med smerte og skyld resten af dit liv, ligesom jeg har levet med det hele mit.
Så lyder spørgsmålet igen: Hvorfor ikke? Hvorfor tager jeg ikke bare mit eget liv, og gør en ende på alt den anger, vrede, skyld, sorg og angst, og som bonus får en hævn, du ikke kan undslippe? Hvorfor?
- Jo ser du.. Hvis jeg gjorde det, så ville du have vundet. Du lod mig sejle i min egen sø, og det ville være et nederlag at synke sig selv.
Jeg håber du får et langt og elendigt liv. Du er en afskyelig og ussel person. Brænd op i helvede, svin.

Kiri Rehmeier