12 Days..

Honestly.. I never liked Medina. I still don't. But this song just describes a time in my life so perfectly. Exactly my words, just said with a voice that doesn't belong to me. But here it goes:

So.. If the person whom this is dedicated to ever listens to this, and reads this.. Well just listen. And then please call me.

Pain

I've been listening to the same song over and over trying to figure out what is really going on in my mind. I have no idea what to think. The thing is.. I know how I feel, but I'm not sure I can allow myself to feel it. You see, feeling stuff usually leads to suffering, pain or regret. I don't regret. I don't regret a single thing. Not a single thing I've said, done or any of the millions of tears I've cried over this. Was I really that unimportant to you?
It's just.. Loss? It can really rip your soul apart. I really thought that the word "forever" meant something. Something real.. Didn't it? You know, I hate being wrong. It's just not my thing. I'm stubborn and I hate admitting I was wrong.
I've considered driving those extra miles, whenever I was around south. Every time the thought would cross my mind. But I didn't do it. Because I can't predict the reaction I'd get.
I... I don't know what to say.. I wish you would just be the one talking. So I could know what you're thinking.
Just.. anything I guess

Letter Challenge Day 16

Someone that’s not in your state/country


Dear Manca


How is everything in Slovenia? How is it going with that boy who completely fucked you over but turned out to be quite okay?
Congratulations on your weight loss! It's so amazing how you lost 10 lbs in just a few weeks! You truly know how to do it, I gotta admit that I'm jealous. 
Hope you're doing great, and to get a respond fast. 


xoxo love
Kiri Rehmeier

Speechless

I have no idea what to say.. It surprises me.. I have no idea what to think.. I think about it all the time.. When I think of it, it's like I can't breathe. Not sure if it's because of sadness or happiness. I just know there's some anxiety in it. I get anxious when I think of it. I am not sure what I should think. Should I fear or should I hope? Or both? Should I try or should I give up? Should I smile or should I cry? Should I even care?
Something in me tells me not to even bother - but deep down I can't deny that I care. I care a lot. But I'm not sure rather I even want to care. It's all questionable.

Unpredictable

There is a song that reminds me of you 

I cannot help but sing along with the radio 

We are both in hell you and I 

Burning in the flames of pain 

And I wonder if we will all turn to ashes 

But they say there is no gain without the pain

Oh I feel for you my love, I feel 
You make me feel something 
Alive you might even say 
Like an awakening from the hell I am in 
And I wonder when you are gonna leave next 
Fly away and let me return to death
 










I feel like a zombie, like a living dead 
Cannot escape the fact that I can't feel you 
Just stretch my arms and reach you 
It's a dream I cannot deny is real at night 
I wish that sometimes I would cross your mind 
But even that is a hope I have to let die
 








There is a song that reminds me of you 
Whenever it plays a fire starts in my heart 
I could never tell you how I long for your kiss 
Cause your reaction I cannot predict 
I am so scared, so scared I might lose you 
Like the things we lost in the fire
 





The fire inside my heart














by Kiri Rehmeier ©
2011-10-14

Letter Challenge Day 15

A letter to the person you miss the most.

Dear Mette

I'm not sure how to combine the word "miss" with my feelings about you at the moment. Right now you are without a doubt, the person whom I send the most thoughts during the day. It's like you're a puzzle and I can't get all of the pieces to fit - and yet I still can. It's like I've been reading your mind lately. I ask you questions which I already know the answers to. I just want to hear it from your mouth.
I want to share my experiences with you, but I'm afraid it'll be for no good use. I know what you're going through - Trust me, I really really do. So I guess you could say I'm not reading your mind, but simply just having the knowledge to know that you're thinking exactly the same thoughts, that I did once.
I know what you want at the moment, and I know what it takes to learn the lesson - 'cause I did it too. You have to be stupid before you can learn to be wise. You have to be blind before you can learn to see. I guess I'm writing this because it has occurred to me, that the chance I have to make you see it clear, before it becomes pure horror; is very small. There are many ways in which I could try to make you see, but without your interest in knowing what I learned, it would be a waste of time for us both. When I was at the point in which you are right now I was stupid - people tried to make me see, but I was stupid because I didn't listen. I know that now. But honestly it would be a huge surprise if you weren't stupid like I was. In that case I must have misjudged the similarity between us - god I hope I have! A dream you get when you gain the knowledge that people in my place have, is to share your knowledge and stop just ONE person from making the same mistakes you did. Many of us never succeed. I'm not sure if I did at some point in my journey - But if I had to pick one particular person to be the one I stopped; No doubt that it'd be you. I mean... I love you so fucking much? No one should ever have to go through what I did - I wouldn't even wish this upon my worst enemy! And knowing that you're making the same mistake I did, which got to be the largest mistake of my life, and it's not in my power to make the right choice for you - IS AWFUL! It's not much different from watching your friend slit his wrists and then suffer a slow and painful death, while you're just watching. You want to interrupt, but you can't.

But sweetie, I'm not gonna try to force you into doing what I wish you would. Just know that I'm here for you every day, every night - ready to support, help, talk to or whatever you'd like. And the day you'll be ready to take in the knowledge, I will gladly tell you and help you understand. But just know this: I am not gonna judge you, I am not gonna blame you, and I am not gonna leave you. Even if you say you don't need me, I'll still be the one picking up the phone at 3 AM ready to listen and understand. A lot of people will listen, but only a few of them will understand.
You know you've got me - never be afraid to use it. I won't ask for anything in return, cause you've already given me so much.

Yours truly
Kiri Rehmeier

Night of the thousand dead frogs

Last night was the night of the thousand dead frogs.
The rain fell so hard it washed away all the dry dust.
The entire road had a huge smudge of water on it.
I went out driving while it was raining in the dark.
The rainfall was the only sound in the silent night.
Darkness only disturbed by the headlights of my car.
A ride where white meets black right there in front.
A landscape only decorated by lines of tears from above.
Raindrops falling so hard the wipers cannot keep up.
The wind fighting a struggle to sweep you off the road.
A fox crosses the road while looking like a starving cat.
The distance seems to grow longer for every mile.
The destination seems further away than it did at first.
Water is lying on the road making a miniature flood.
The flood leaves the frogs to try and save their lives.
The road so full of water that the frogs swim across.
Tires loosing grip of the road makes it hard to brake.
Blindness in the dark leaves the frogs to get run over.
Driving slow to notice every little thing coming up.
Seeing dead frogs floating around on the rainy road.
People thinking nobody would go out in this weather.
Recklessly they skate the road slipping when turning.
The radio drowning in the sounds of falling raindrops.
All blinded by the white headlights of oncoming cars.
The black night is the long dark tunnel which you're in.
Suddenly disturbed by a white light coming towards you.

- by Kiri Rehmeier 

Like an addict

Like an addict I hunt my drug
So ecstatic I search for love
I am longing now for the loving touch
Don't you know that I need you much
Will I ever learn that you're no good
All the time I burn like you think I should
You set my body on fire
As I long for your desire

by Kiri Rehmeier ©

Reasons to live

friends - family .. Parents and siblings in particular! - eating and enjoying it - smoking cigarettes - a nice cup of your favorite coffee - When strangers smiles at you for no reason - being told you're beautiful - falling in love - being loved - refusing to give up - music - lying in the grass - pets and animals - the few seconds where you actually feel comfortable with yourself - concerts - achievements - good sex - freedom - internet - twitter - poetry - dying - apple products - buying stuff you want - singing - getting drunk once in a while. - kids. - not feeling lonely. - nailpolish  - stilettos.  - tattoos  - piercings - getting a haircut and liking it - sleeping - lying down and listening to music - Linkin Park - dreaming - singing - festivals - getting high  - not feeling pain - feeling pain - sunshine - rain - jeans - cuddling - kissing - to dance - romantic moments - crisps - mum's mashed potatoes - daddy's pancakes - Baresso iceblends - creativity - painting and drawing - photographing - laughing - heels - the touch - lying in your bed, smelling the sheets which has just been washed and then hung out to dry in the summer breeze.

That's all for now. I might write some more in an up-following post.

- Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 14

A letter to someone you've drifted away from.

Dear André

We were like brother and sister once. We spend so many hours together when we were kids. We both had a fantasy which could bring the most of fun out of nothing. All the countless hours of playing in the garden with the little ones. Hide and seek, jumping on the trampoline, imaginary games, and swimming in the pool. Those childhood memories..

When you got sick, I spend countless hours worrying for you. Back then I looked at you as my brother, and watching you in pain was hard. After all we were just kids. I remember the party you threw when you had your last medication - I kissed you on the cheek, and I was so happy. So happy you wouldn't believe it. Unfortunately from that day on, we began to see each other less and less.

I often wondered how you were. How far you'd come in your life. I hadn't spoken with you for years, before Judas came along. We talked a little, and I found out how far you've come. I know it sounds corny to say that I'm proud, but I am. I think it's fantastic to see how far you've come. I'm glad that you're doing good. Really glad.

Rock on bro
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 13

A letter to someone you wish could forgive you.

Dear ED

We were the best of friends for years, and I spend all my time with you - every waken hour. At first you seemed like the answer to all my problems, and we had our little secrets. We did everything together, and every time you were a little distant, I kept thinking these thoughts no matter what situation I was in: "What would Ana do?" "What would Ana say?" .. I did it all because you meant so much, and I didn't ever wanna let you down. For years I did everything I could to make you happy.. But the thing is Mia-Ana... You were never happy? And since you we're never happy, I was never happy. Your feelings affected me so much, they became my feelings. Sometimes I miss you. Sometimes I just want to give it all up, ask you for forgiveness and be friends again. But I know better now.

I spend 4 years of my life trying to make you happy. It took me 4 years to figure out the fact that it was YOU who made me miserable. The truth is that you stole my life. My youth. After I stopped listening to you I became more and more like a person again. I found myself again, cause during those 4 years, I hadn't been me - I was you. You lived through me. You abused me, and used me to for fill your purposes and dreams.

All the girls out there wanting to be your friend... They're making the biggest mistake of their lives INVITING you into it. I mean honestly, you don't bring along anything good. Your purpose is to destroy other people's lives. To kill. You made me feel like I wasn't worthy of anything. That I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything. You almost made me kill myself. I was unhappy every day because of you. I still am. It's your fault that I got my depression in the first place.

But today I know better. I know you from the inside out, you shallow bitch. You are the worst friend one could have. You are the friend that want's to hurt others. The kind of friend that puts your pain onto others.

I have a tattoo on my hand. A tattoo which will remind me every day for the rest of my life, that we were friends, but that I am stronger than you are. I won. I will always win.

Never again

Kiri Rehmeier

- This blog is dedicated to all the little girls out there wanting to be your friend. So stupid. So naive. 

3 good things - Day 3

Three good things about today.

• Dad fixed my chair and my headphones.

• I had a long talk with Judas.

• I spend time with my parents, talking and having coffee with them is lovely.

3 good things - Day 2

Someone from my spanish
class wears these ultra
gay shoes. Had to take a
picture of them.

Three good things about today:
..

• I am home.

• I got further with my drawing of Judas.

• I'm gonna clean my room, so it'll be a good thing when it's clean.

That's all for today. As you might have guessed already, it hadn't been such a good day, since I haven't got any better thing to tell you. 

3 good things - Day 1

Three good things about today:

• I'm gonna spend time with Nathalie. She's staying at my place tonight. 

• I brought coffee to school today. It has been lovely to have coffee for most of the day.

• I'm drawing on a tattoo which I think I might want to have done. Think I'm gonna get it in september or october. 

Hunting happiness

I saw a program on DR2 last night, called "The Pessimists". It's about 8 pessimistic people, who has to do different tasks and take courses, in their way to happiness. This week they were  given a task called "a grateful diary". Every day of this week they'll have to write down three things which they are thankful for. My mum and I thought it would be a good idea for me to do it as well, since I'm a huge pessimist, in the search for happiness. So this week I'm gonna blog every day, about three things which I am grateful for.

Oh lord...

Have you ever woken up, then wished you hadn't? That you could just fall asleep and never wake up again? How about waking up, go to the mirror and think: "This is gonna be another sucky day."? ... Yes, I'm having one of those days today. Gonna drive to school now. Cya...

Letter Challenge Day 12

A letter to the person you hate the most / caused you a lot of pain.

Wow.. This is a tough one. The whole 'hate'-thing has been a big part of my life. There have been many many times where I simply just hated everyone. But the deal is that the person I hate the most is myself. But I'm not gonna write a letter to myself. When I was 14 my depression started, and I'm gonna tell the story of what happened back then. I'm gonna paint the scenario that got me into this shit.


When I was 12 I moved to another school. At my new school I got a really really good friend. We had the best friendship, and we were together after school almost every day. I'm gonna call her S. 
We were the best of friends for about two years, and then at the age of 14 we had to move to another school across the street. The new school was for eighth, ninth and tenth grade only. So we were now eighth graders. The classes were mixed from five different schools, but S and I got in the same class. We started hanging out with two other girls and we enjoyed hanging out together all four. As time passed by S started hanging more and more out with one of the girls, lets call her M. The last girl and I was sort of pushed out of the group, but we didn't like each other, so we didn't spend any time together. The problem was not that M and S got a closer friendship. The dilemma was that M hated me. So since M didn't like me, S started to forget about me. Within a few months we didn't spoke to each other anymore.


Every day on my way home from school, I cried my eyes out before I got home. When I got home my mum would ask "how was school?", and I'd answer "fine" or "as usual". I'd go to my room and waste my life away on websites trying to get a social network. 
I became depressed and fell into an eating disorder as well. I wrote poems and songs and cried to all sad music I could find. S only talked to me if we were put in the same group at school. In my head I cursed her and M every day. This scenario started the riot, that made several years of my youth into a living hell. 
Somehow I blame them. But my social skills were as low as possible, and I was unable to make friends or make people like me. So I guess it's my own fault. But still I will always hate them. Because of what they did to me. The worst kind of bullying is the mental kind, and when people pretend you don't exist, you are being bullied mentally. 
So here goes..


Dear S


I hope the rest of your life will be shit. 
The day you end up like your mother, living in a shitty house, having three kids with three different men, and you end up fat and lonely - I am gonna look at you and let my eyes tell you this: "How does it feel to be a social loser and a complete failure?"


Truly
Kiri Rehmeier, the friend you forgot

I know, I know..

Will I ever get over losing you? I know what people think, but that doesn't change how I feel.. Normally I'm pretty fast to get over relationships, but this time it takes longer than ever. Maybe it's because the start wasn't even over before the end. Was it that there was no real ending, but just a goodbye? Maybe because I never wanted it to end.. Why does everything wonderful have to come to an end..?

I gotta admit...

5 confessions

These are a few of my "confessions". Stuff that is me, but I don't tell people really.

- I can't fall for a guy unless he's got that certain wildness in his eyes...
- I always fall for thin guys with blue eyes.
- I have a secret weakness for gingers.
- I can (and will) eat a whole bucket of Ben&Jerry's for myself.
- I fear the winter.

Goals of the month

I got inspired from a post on my friend, Xenia's Blog. She announced that she want's to write down her goals for the month, and I thought that was a really good idea. So I thought I'd do the same. (:

August goals:

- Move the furniture in my room around.
- Have the best Skanderborg Festival ever.
- Get a good start at school.
- Learn how to bake black bread.
- Start on my new job, and do it well.
- Get at least 10 on my written danish/history assignment!
- Get moving with the 30 day letter challenge.

Letter Challenge Day 11

A letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to.

Dear Lisbeth
It's so unfair.. Your death was tough. You're the mother of my best friend, and you died before the age of 40. You died from cancer. A form of cancer that all young girls are being offered a vaccine against today. I've been vaccinated. So have your daughters.
I'm writing this letter to you, to let you know that you're really missed. Not only by the three children you left behind. Also by your husband and your friends.

My mum and you were dear friends. Your husband has moved on now. About time. It took years for him to get over the loss of his beloved wife, and mother of his children. He's got a girlfriend now. She's a good person, cause she knows and accepted that you were, and always will be the love of his life. She's nice. But now the deal isn't about your husband. It's more about Trine. Your oldest daughter. She really misses you. She has gone through some really tough times, and she has really been in the need of a mother. Last time I got to feel her pain of missing you so bad, was a night where she was sad. Very sad. She cried in my bed while looking at a picture of you. She really needs you at certain points.

I can't imagine going through the tough times of teenage without a mother. My mother has been a very important factor for me while being a fragile teenager. It scares me to think that Trine, my dearest friend had to go through that. But Trine is strong. Very strong. You have to be one hell of a hardass to do that! That's worth honoring.
So Lisbeth.. You've got some tough children. You did good. Really good.

Loving memories
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 10

A letter to a person you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.

Dear Rebekka

We haven't seen each other in a long time now. We have seen each other and said hello a couple of time, but we haven't really been together for years. When we were kids we used to see each other every weekend. We were best friends for eleven years. Then our contact kind of slipped away.
I continued the contact with your sister Trine, but when I was 15, and you were 13, the age-difference got too hard to ignore I guess. We simply lost stuff to talk about..

I look at you now, and I know that right now we'd have plenty of stuff to talk about. The problem is that we don't. You have other friends now, and so do I. My mum says that it'll come back. She says that real friends just don't disappear. That she and her best friend can go years without talking, but then when they do, it's like they never were apart. I hope that's what'll happen in our case.

I'd like to say that I love you, but I can't. It's been so many years, and it's like I don't know you anymore. I don't know if I love you. I don't know the person you've grown up to be.
But one thing I can say with honesty; I miss you. I miss our friendship, and I miss spending time with you. I hope you're good. I hope you'll get a good start on your education.

Dearest wishes of luck in the future
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 9

A letter to someone you wish you could meet.

Dear me

I've chosen to write this letter to the person I am in 6 years. In 6 years I'll be 25, and the reason I chose to write a letter to myself, is because I'm extremely exited about where I'll be in life, at the age of 25. I'm dying to know if I've accomplished my goals. 6 years.. It's not long?
In one year I'll be done with business collage. I hope that within this year I'll find a tattooist that is willing to take me in as an apprentice. I have no idea what I'm gonna do if I can't find one.. If I do get an apprenticeship I will have a 3 year learning period. After learning everything there is to know about tattooing over 3 years, you will have to pass an exam. If you pass the exam, you are officially a professional tattooist. I hope to be able to call myself a professional after those three years. I hope to graduate the exam with honors.
Will I have kids in 6 years? Will I be a mum? I really don't know. In four years I might have accomplished what I dream of. If everything goes according to plan, I'll open my own tattoo studio in four years. Will I have a boyfriend? Maybe something serious? Planned children or an accidental pregnancy? Who knows?

All I know is that I'm exited to see what the future will bring!

Sincerely mine
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 8

A letter to your favorite internet friend

Dear Lulle

I've known you for years, but never actually met you. You live in the opposite end of the country, but since I was in Copenhagen a few weeks ago, and didn't meet you while I was there - I regret that! I want to meet you so much really. I think you're an awesome person, and though we've never met, we know each other. We've read each others diaries for years now. I used to write every day, but now I never write anymore. I don't feel like it helps me anymore. But I still read yours and the others.
I often think of you and the others in the group. A lot of people, actually most the people who reads my blog, doesn't know from where we know each other, so I'm gonna explain.
About five years ago I joined a group on Arto for girls suffering from an eating disorder. From that group I now have many good friends. Most of us has come really really far, and some are even well today. This letter is for one of the girls from the group, but somehow you might say it's for everyone in the group. Anyone who ever commented on my diary. In this group we each had a diary in which we could write whatever we wanted. If I read the first couple of pages in my diary, I can clearly see that it's been years since I wrote it. Back then we wrote about food, disordered thoughts, weight and how much we hated our bodies. Now it's more of a real diary, where we write about life and our problems. I haven't really written in mine the last year.. I don't really feel like I need it anymore I guess..?

But EDs .. I love you. All of you. You've helped me so much. I don't know where I would have been if I hadn't had you to lean on at tough times. Some would have though the group was bad for us, but I really know we did the right thing. Most of us recovered a lot from what we was back then. You are so cool guys. The toughest girls I know. This letter is for you. Thank you so much - for everything.

Yours forever faithfully
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 7

A letter for your ex-boyfriend

Dear Jesper


We were together for about two months last winter. I guess our "official relationship" started at 31th of October. After the Linkin Park concert at Boxen in Herning. Enough about that. 
The thing is.. I really should apologize to you. I have to confess. I didn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You are truly a nice guy, and you deserve a girl who loves you. 
So here's the deal. I don't really think I was able to do that at the time. You are lovable, but I just didn't feel it. I didn't really have feelings for you.. I guess I was just lonely. 


Our relationship was for me like trying a dress on. I know it's not my style, but I tried it on cause it was right there... Was it abuse? Did I abuse you? I really cared about you - I really did. Like a friend. I've been such a bitch to you, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I hurt you. And honestly I'm glad that YOU broke it off, so I didn't have to hurt you even more. I guess you can say that I took advantage of your feelings for me. Though I never felt like I did, and I never meant to. I enjoyed your company, and I felt safe near you. I liked that. I know - I'm addicted to feeling safe. And though I never told you the truth of how I felt - or lack of presence of said, I still appreciate the time we had together. You made me a little happier at a hard time I guess. The winter is always hard for me, but knowing I had you helped me get through it I think.


So I guess the conclusion is that I know, that not being completely honest with you was wrong - very wrong.. But I'd like to thank you for what we had, and for being there for me. And of course you deserve an apoligy. So here it goes.. I'm sorry. Truly.


Yours faithfully
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 6

A letter to a stranger

Dear stranger
I saw you on the train once. You are an elderly man. At least 70 is my guess. You were shaking. Your hands were so unsteady. You were looking out the window - you looked kinda lonely actually. You looked at me and I smiled. You smiled back, but didn't notice that I kept looking at you. Observing you. You had an old FjällRäven bag, which you had a hard time getting from the floor onto your lap. You clearly had trouble with your back. You reached into your bag, and found a Rittersport. The squared chocolate bar. It was the one with nougat - one of my personal favorites actually.
The chocolate had already been opened, and only the half was left. You cracked the chocolate into smaller pieces, and took one out of the rapping. With your large fingers and shaky hands, you put the chocolate piece to your mouth, but you dropped it. You dropped the piece into your lap. That almost made me cry. But you didn't seem to mind it. As if it had happened a couple of times before. You picked up the chocolate, and put it in your mouth despite your shaky hands. A smile spread on your face. Just a little smile, one you barely notice. I could clearly see that you took your time to enjoy the sweet soft piece of chocolate. I knew then, that I shouldn't feel sad for you. You didn't want sympathy, cause you were still able to live.
I saw a sort of courage in this scenario. You looked like one of those old guys who wouldn't let people help you, unless you'd become completely disable.
I admired that. I felt like hugging you. I don't know why..
You looked like the lovely grandpa type. Both of my grandfathers died before I was 8 years of age. But I think I'd be honored to have a grandpa like you.

I don't know if you're dead by now.. But a man who loves life so much that he takes time to enjoy every little piece of chocolate, and with the courage I saw a trace of? I don't think so.

Sincerely
Kiri Rehmeier, a stranger you once smiled at on the train.

Letter Challenge Day 5

A letter about your dreams

Dreams..
By dreams it has probably been ment as the dreams you have in life. But that is not what I am going to write about.
I am going to write about the dreams I have at night while sleeping. Some daydreams maybe.

At night I never dream. I always have nightmares instead.
Sometimes I dream that I'm in my car driving.. With 2 friends in the car as well.
Suddenly I can't see through the windows, and the wipers doesn't work. I can't stop the car, and I panic. The right side of my body hurts, and I feel like turning. I scream and suddenly my foot can't reach the break. My friends suddenly understand, and then we all scream and panic even more. When I was still able to see, I was driving behind a truck. Suddenly I'm driving in the opposite side of the road, and then I see a red car driving towards me, through the blurry window. The driver hits the horn, and I get so scared that I turn the wheel to the right. Then I crash into the gutter, while we all scream and my legs hurt...
And this is where I wake up with a scream.
I wake up covered in sweat, and afraid to go back to sleep. I've had this dream more than once. It's only one of the terrible nightmares that keeps coming back from time to time.
Why do I only have nightmares? What is it that is going on in my unconsciousness? So..

Dear unconsciousness

Will you please tell me what is going on, so I can deal with it? I used to love sleeping, but now I'm scared to sometimes. When I sleep I escape reality, and I'd love to be able to enjoy that again. Now it's either reality or horrible realistic nightmares - And I'm not even sure which is worse? So please.. Just please...

Yours
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 4

A letter to your sibling

^ My sister and my dad

Dear Sister

When we were younger, we weren't as close as we became in time. Now we've grown up, and your an adult. Moving to Copenhagen and going to the university. You've become all the things I always dreamed of being.
At the age of 22 your life is truly coming to it's place. The pieces fit. I am proud of you. You have always been a role model to me. Always been so perfect in my eyes. At times your success has even been so overwhelming that I couldn't help but feel like a black sheep. That's a fact that makes me feel ashamed, but as I grew older I realized what I should have known all along. You're my sister, and I should never envy your life. As your sister I should only be happy for you, and now I am.

But some things I cannot help but envy you. Your beauty as an example. Your natural, unlimited beauty. How could I not envy everything about your look. I know a lot of beautiful people, but no matter what, no one could ever be compared to you. Seriously honey, Tyra Banks ain't got nothing on you! You've always been the smart one as well, and that's not about the age difference between us. When you start your smart talk, I feel pretty stupid.
Maybe that is part of the reason, why I chose not to follow in your tracks, and go to the university. I've mad up my mind about what I want to do according to education. I'm gonna go in the opposite direction of you. You're getting a authorized education, and I'm gonna go for one that will never become a real accepted one. My future is more of a gamble than yours. As I just said, you've always been the smart one. Some of my happiest days has been with you. All the vacations, all the christmas eves. Last Christmas eve I cried. I cried so much because I couldn't feel any of the joy, which I KNEW filled the living room. I'm not sure if you noticed how sad I was, but you pulled me back. You made me feel a little bit of the joy, which I couldn't see before. You know me.

Our interrail trip through europe was the best days of my life. my best birthday ever was in Amsterdam with you, looking through sex shops, staring at prostitutes, going to bars while all along I had Cystitis. I laughed so much, and non of it was fake. That's the best of it. Sis... I cannot bare the fact that you're moving so far away from me. That I'm gonna miss you even more than I already do, just because I know that you're so far, and that visiting you are gonna cost a fortune.

You're the best thing I've got. The best part of my life. You are the greatest sister. I could never ask for more. I love you.

Eternal love
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 3

A letter to your parents

Dear mum and dad

As for some, but in fact not all, you as my parents have been a huge part of my life.
I love you both more than you know.

Mum.. You're always there for me. But in your own way. You are the one that I run home to. In your arms I can scream in tears and curse everything I hate. You used to tell me that it could not be true, all the stuff that I hate. But in time you got to know how I truly feel. Now when I come crying to you, and tell you that the world is shit, you tell me; "I know". Cause now you do. Now you do know. And I'm glad. I mean.. shouldn't all kids be able to be honest with their parents? I love all the small things we do together. When you read my horoscope out loud for me. When we sit together and enjoy a cigarette while drinking coffee. When you ask me if I've had a good time while not home. When you come say goodnight before you go to bed. I have never felt that you weren't proud of me. I know you always will be. 

Dad.. You're the type of man that can fix everything. The only thing I've ever experienced that you were not able to fix, is me. And I know it's been bugging you a lot. "We must be able to fix this somehow?" you told me once. But it's okay dad. I know that you can't fix me, and I hate it too. I'm sure that it still crosses your mind from time to time. I really appreciate how badly you wish to help me. More than you will ever know. But dad, I have to help my self. It's hard, but when I think of the smallest things that you can do to help me, I come to you. I've come crying in your arms in the middle of the night. Sometimes we talk about it. Sometimes we don't have to. Sometimes it's like you read my mind. I don't have to tell, cause you already know. I know you're always there. And I love that. You have no idea how happy it makes me when you do all those little things that seems indifferent, such as just having a cup of coffee with me. When you help me carry my stuff out of the car. When you tell me to drive safely and take care of myself. When you tell me that you're proud of me for something I did, and then afterwards remind me that you're proud of me no matter what. 

You've given me so much. I love you too so much. You are the best parents one could have. I feel sorry for all the children in the world, who do not feel loved. I have never felt that you didn't love me. At times it hasn't meant as much as others, but no matter what it truly matters. I cannot think of anyone who has bigger hearts than you. 

Thank you for being the best parents. I love you.

Forever yours

Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 2

A letter to your crush

Dear Judas.

Oh dear, dear Judas.. Though people might think I should just forget about you and move on, it's easier said than done. It's hard. Really hard actually. You came into my life so suddenly, and the fact that you left it so fast came even more sudden...
Like in a video game. "Sudden death!!! - Game over! You loose!"
Like falling without a warning - not being able to take off the most of the fall with your hands. No, a fall so sudden that you don't even get to know it before it's too late. Not knowing that you fell before feeling the intense pain of a slap in the face which unfortunately broke your nose.
At first I though you were kidding. I really believed you.. I really believed you every time you looked into my eyes, and told me that you loved me.
How could I be so blind? How could I have missed it? How come I couldn't see it coming?
You really left me broken hearted. I haven't been myself since. I tasted heaven, and I liked it. I felt the happiness run through my veins, and it drugged me so hard. I ain't never been as high as I was those 13 days. I was happy.. I was happy for 13 days in a row. Before that I hadn't been happy for that many days in 5 years. And I still haven't since. I don't understand why you left me. I was a completely different person. I was who I truly wanted to be - Who I was underneath the depression. I felt how I really was. I remembered how I really was. I would have understood if you left me for who I am when I'm constantly infected with a chronicle decease that is slowly pushing me to the edge. But while I was with you, there was nothing pushing me. I felt free. I was high on the freedom of not being a prisoner. It was amazing.

I am not mad at you anymore. I still miss you and cry from time to time. But right now, all I feel like I need to tell you, is thank you. Thank you for giving me a rush of freedom. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for reminding me of what I forgot long ago. How it feels to be happy. How it feels to be free.
Just thanks.

Thankfully yours
Kiri Rehmeier

Letter Challenge Day 1

A letter to your best friend

Dear Casper

The concept; "best friends" are being misused if you ask me. Some people think that a best friend is the best friend that you have - rather it's a very good friendship or just a mediocre one. The best one out of the many. The best one out of all the 538 Facebook friends. I used to think so too. That the guy friend I was with the most, would have the title as my best friend.

Today I know better. Now I know what a best friend really is. Now I know the true meaning of the concept.
A best friend is that one person to whom you can say everything and anything to. The one friend with whom you can do everything, but also do nothing with.
Yeah that's all good right? But there's more. This is where people get the wrong idea, cause this is where some people cannot understand. A true best friend is the person you will travel to the end of the world after. The one person that you would rent a rowboat and sail across the atlantic to get to. The person that drives for two hours to your house on a Tuesday night, just to be with you when your ass is on fire. The one person you would die for. The person you care so much about, that you would even leave the love of your life. The love is so unconditional that it is hard for some to understand. But my conclusion is that the people thinking this is to over do it, has never had a friendship as ours themselves.
Our friendship is out of this world. It is too different for people to understand. I think that's why people keep thinking we're a couple. Our society is not made for friendships like ours. People do not think it is possible to have such a close relation to someone that you're not in a relationship with.
But honestly... I don't give a fuck. I don't care what people think. So what if our friendship scares men away from me - that doesn't matter. Cause really, I would never go out with a man if he wasn't being accepting about our friendship.
Our friendship is everything to me. I could never leave you. Without you I cannot live.

I have told you many times.. I've said it to your face. I've texted it. I've said it on the phone. I've written it on paper. Posted it on Facebook. I've written it on my Twitter. I've laughed it. I've screamed it. I've yelled it. I've said it randomly. I told everyone. I told the world. I've said it in many languages. I've cried it. I've screamed it in tears... But now I'm gonna say it again:
- I love you more than anything. Without you my life wouldn't be worth living.

Truly and sincerely yours
Kiri Rehmeier

30-day Letter Challenge

30-day letter challenge

Write a letter to/about the following:

Day 1 - your best friend

Day 2 - your crush

Day 3 - your parents

Day 4 - your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5 - your dreams

Day 6 - a stranger

Day 7 - your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8 - your favorite internet friend

Day 9 - someone you wish you could meet

Day 10 - someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to

Day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12 - the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13 - someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14 - someone you’ve drifted away from

Day 15 - the person you miss the most

Day 16 - someone that’s not in your state/country

Day 17 - someone from your childhood

Day 18 - the person that you wish you could be

Day 19 - someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20 - the one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21 - someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22 - someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23 - the last person you kissed

Day 24 - the person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25 - the person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26 - the last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27 - the friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28 - someone that changed your life

Day 29 - the person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30 - your reflection in the mirror

I hate ME

Now I'm gonna tell you a little about the stuff that I hate about my own body. Here goes, this is how hot I feel.. Truly.

I hate my face. My nose is too big and has freckles on it. The freckles I can live with - if they didn't look like pimples. It's not just those flat cute brown dots. It's brown dots on top of a small bump.
I hate my skin. I have suffered from acne since I was 13, and I still hate it though it has gotten a lot better. But my chin and my forehead are still plagued by it.
I also hate my cheeks. I get apple cheeks when I smile, and my cheeks are fat all the time.
My jaw is too big, and manly. Makes my head look almost square. I hate my ears too. Not that they are ugly, just that all of my earrings are inflamed all the time. I hate that. It itches and it hurts, and it does not look pretty at all.
I hate my hear. It never looks the way I want it to, and it is flat in general. Besides it get damaged after a few hours after I've been to the hairdresser.
I also hate my neck. It's fat, and I have scares from my car crash. I'm ashamed. And I can't lie down without getting a double-chin! Why can everybody that but me!?
I hate my arms. They are fat too! And I also have scares on them, and since I'm always cold the hair on my arms always stand up. That just looks ridiculous.
I hate my fingers. They are small and fat, and when I draw a lot my middle finger develops some sort of dot, because of the pencil rubbing so much at the same place. That is just nasty.  And besides that my fingernails break very easily. They are as soft as butter, and if I am so lucky that they do not break, they just bend.

I hate my breasts. I think they are too small. They are not pretty or sexy either! They look stupid and if I loose as little as two pounds, you are able to see in on them. My nipples are too big as well.
I hate my belly. I have the typical piece of fat - right there! In the middle of it all. I hate it so much that I've considered just cutting it off. Yeah really. I know it's completely stupid, but at some points I'd prefer a huge scar over a large piece of fat. I know that sounds comepletely insane to you, but I tell it because I want to paint the picture in your heads of how much I mean it when I say that I consider myself fat. To let you know how much I hate myself...
Well, I also hate my ass! It sticks very much out from my body, because my back is extremely curved. I hate that. Because that makes my belly stick out too.. But my ass is just fat! I cannot take a step without knowing that my ass is moving. That's just nasty. Also I have cellulite under my ass, and that I cannot stand. I want to cut that off too.
My thighs! My thighs are very fat, and they do the wave-move whenever I take a step.

Did that paint a picture in your mind?
- Kiri Rehmeier... Out!