Blog challenge day 22

"Your academics"

.. Go f*ck yourself!

Blog challenge day 20

"Your fears"

I am diagnosed with anxiety, so I have many fears. I'm just gonna mention some of my phobias, because they are less personal.

Clowns
I am terrified of clowns, and a few years back I went to the circus with my smaller siblings and a friend. My friend held me while they were on stage, and when they went out to the audience, I cried like I was about to be brutally murdered. I hate clowns, they are so scary. The worst clown is the McDonalds clown, because it is a clown and it stands for a company that I find repulsing. End of it.

People in full body costumes with masks
You know, like the ones running around in Disneyland. A huge teddy bear or a Mickey Mouse can scare me to death. My friends know this and they usually hold me, while walking a big circle around them on the street.. While I'm hyperventilating and halfway crying. I hate it and it is embarrassing, but that's what I'm afraid of.

Losing
My greatest fear is losing a loved one. Nothing can terrify me like the thought of losing my friends, sisters or parents. I love them so much and I don't know how I'd get by without them. I am just very awful at losing.

Blog challenge day 19

"Five items you lust after"

I don't really know how to find items that I lust for. I just chose some of the things I want or wish for.

1. My boyfriend.
He's so amazing. I love spending time with him, and he is just such wonderful company. And yeah, admitted - I lust for him. ;b He's funny (no you're not sweetheart), beautiful, sweet, sexy, loving and caring. I am so in love, and even though we might annoy each other sometimes, there are still so much about him that I love, and that I just can't get enough of. Other guys don't interest me, he's enough man for me. ❤

2. More hours pr. day.
The days are too short, I don't have time for anything! I just need for there to be five more hours in a day, it would solve all my sleeping problems, and I would actually have time for all the things I've got going on. If it was possible, that would be my biggest wish.

3. An apartment.
If I am to start at a school in Horsens after New Years I need to find an apartment there soon, I am getting desperate! I can't afford to commute daily. I just can't find a place that I can afford.. Damn it!

4. Getting into art school or the writers academy.
I really want to get into an education that I actually want and find interesting. I just don't think I have the grades nor the talent for it. I really want to qualify, and I'm gonna do the best I can, I just need to get everything right first. So help me god..

5. A new TV.
My TV is ancient, it is one my dad got cheap from his boss because he bought a new one. It's one of the first flatscreen TVs made, and compared to the newer ones, it is not flat at all. The sound sucks, and on most of my movies, it only plays the background sounds, and not the voices, so that sucks balls. I've wanted it for a long time, but I am just not willing to pay several thousand dkk for a tv, cause I don't use it that much, when I'm alone.

Blog challenge day 21

"How you hope your future will be like"

I hope that I will be happy in my future. I don't nessesarily want to get married and have kids like everyone else. I just want to be happy in the future. The circumstances are not the important for me. I just want to be happy and remember what I have learned. I'd like to get an education though. Then I hope to be able to afford a large apartment and have a dog. And a cat. 

I hope I will stay young in mind, and that I will not be boring at the age of 30. I want to live the way I want to, and not miss out in a thing even if its stupid. I want to experience as much as I can, and I wanna find love that I can have fun with forever. Who knows I might even be with my current boyfriend in 10 years. :b

I hope that I'll be healthy, and that my family is good still. I hope to spend more time with Mette, and never stop seeing with Kristina. I'd like to try everything once and what I like, I'll try again. Adventures. Never turning down an opportunity, kinda like the movie "Yes-Man" only a bit more controlled. I loved that movie. It made his life so much better to say yes, and taking chances. It's like that in real life too. Just be positive. 

Blog challenge day 18

"A problem that you've had"

There's a thing that has been with me for 6 years. That's actually my entire youth so far. Since the age of 14 I've been sad every day. Most of the time every day. I've been diagnosed with several things over the years, and they've given it so many different names, because they couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Thy called it depression for years, but it wasn't. They called it anxiety, and yes I have that, but that's not what would make me sad every damn day. Until I got into therapy at the SPC I didn't know the name of what was the matter with me. They found out, I acknowledged it, accepted it and they learned me how to control it. They gave me back my freedom, by teaching me how to change my way of thinking. I feel like a new person. It's crazy, 16 weeks is what it took to change, what I thought wouldn't ever change for me. I believe everyone can get better, but you have to change yourself. Check yourself before you wreck yourself right? If you see the world as a dark place, see yourself as worthless and a bad person - that's what you need to change. How dare you think that way about yourself? The world is not holding you down, you are! Stop making yourself feel bad! You are the master of your mind, and you need to take control, and catch yourself when you're thinking that you're worthless, hate people, the world is cruel and so on! Pull yourself together! I WASTED 6 YEARS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST, and I got better because I WANTED to, and because I was willing to work for it. I hit rock bottom on June 23rd 2012, but I got up again. I needed help to know how to change, but I was the only one who could do it. No one is gonna come and change you, you have to do it yourself. Life might be shit, but you only get one, so why the fuck are you not working hard on yourself, to make the best of it?

Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Blog challenge day 17

"Something that you're proud of"

If there is something that I'm proud of, it's my girls. Kristina and Mette, we've been close friends for a long time, and I love them so dearly. We've been through so much together, and I couldn't be more proud, than when I see how far they've come! Trust me, I've seen them both at their lowest and I've been there through it all, and I feel like I've watched flowers bloom after a long long winter. I've seen two people go from surviving to living, and if that isn't worth being proud of, I can't think of anything that is. 

These girls are the greatest people I've ever met. I've never met such honest, loving, supportive people as them, and they have the biggest hearts. Hearts so large to stay by my side while I was in the same place, even though they had their own problems, they were there for me - all the way. 

It's been a hell of a ride, but I've seen these two women transform. It's been like watching night turn into day, looking at them is like looking at the most beautiful sunrise. I've held them while they cried, I've listed when they opened their hearts, and I've found friends for life. I am so glad we took this journey together, cause I don't think any of us could have made it on our own. This leaves me without a doubt to the conclusion, that I am never gonna give up on the friendship that I have with them. I am gonna try, for the rest of my life, to repay these two, and help them as much as I can - Because they helped me save myself. (Oh god I'm crying and getting really emotional here..)

I am so proud. Of all of us. We made it girls. We made it out of the darkness. And together we are greater. ❤

Blog challenge day 16

Something you always think "what if..." about?"

I think "what if..." about a lot of things. One I always think is "what if that didn't happen?" about everything. What if things had never changed? What if I was never bullied in middle school? What if I never went to the SPC? What if I was never born? Where would the people in my life be right now? What if I screamed right now? What if I said "......." right now? I always wonder what would have happened if I had said what I meant, instead of the things that I'm supposed to say (the few times where I do not express my honest opinion)

What if I had graduated last summer? Would I have gotten better by myself, or is it good that I moved and got into therapy? Would I have been able to get better without the knowledge I got from my therapy? I don't think I would, but I always wonder "what if..."

What if I told the entire truth? Most people often leave out parts of the truth. What if people actually knew, why I went to therapy? How would they look at me? Differently is what I'm afraid of. 

Blog challenge day 15

"Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality"

Cancer

A cancer is characterized as a person who needs constant reassurance and intimacy, is known to be moody and addicted to feeling safe.
They are said to be compassionate and caring, but known to be jealous as fuck and have serious mood-swings. A cancer might seem tough on the outside but is soft and warm on the inside. (<- anyone="anyone" did="did" else="else" naughty="naughty" p="p" sound="sound" that="that" to="to">Cancerians are told to be the most romantic and have the strongest feelings of love, but is also told to be the worst breakup. Mysterious, stimulating and fascinating are words that are used to describe a Cancerian too.

I think some of it fits my personality. I hate to admit being as some writer said it, when I like to think that I am unique, but it fits pretty well anyway. If you wanna read about your zodiac, here's where I read about mine: link

Blog challenge day 14

"What you wore today"

Today I've been wearing jeans, a top with a striped t-shirt over it, a cardigan and two big scarfs. It's been freezing outside all day, and I locked myself out of the apartment, and my keys were gone, so I had to walk down town, because the key to my bike was gone as well.
Besides that, I wore mittens and my leather jacket. Because that's just how hardcore I am. And I'm ugly today because I'm not wearing any make up and my hair looks like a bird nest.

Blog challenge day 13

"Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it"

I've spent way too much time on trying to lose weight. I've been really sick. I've been treated for it 3 different places and believe it or not, I used to be thin. It was never enough back then. But eventually I had enough. I got better. I stopped caring. I still thought about it for years after. Now I've just accepted the way I look, cause I know that even though I have enormous thighs, a huge ass and a badass muffin-top, I'm still sexy as hell. I realize that now, but I didn't back then. Back then I was striving for perfection, but now I've realized that nothing is perfect, that perfect is a stupid concept, and an illusion.

I wouldn't have learned to accept my body without the influence my former partners had. The compliments of a boyfriend means everything, and boosts the self esteem, and my boyfriends have been good at complimenting my body. Eventually my views on body image changed big time, and I realized that I think curves are beautiful. I love women with hips, thighs that touch and wiggle when they walk and an ass that's big enough to smack hard without knocking the bitch over! That is hot. Why go out and shake it, if it ain't shaking?

And a guys body doesn't have to be covered in visible muscles, huge guns and an eightpack. I like slim guys better, because I think the slim triangle shape with a tiny ass and wide shoulders is beautiful. A beautiful backside, that you just wanna jump and bite till you leave marks. Damn that shit is sexy as hell. 

So yeah, basically.. I like my body. I know I'm sexy. I'm curvy and I like it, and I'm not alone in that opinion. 

Blog challenge day 12

Robert Pattinson, actor / sexiest (young) man

Adam Lambert, singer and beautiful gay man

"Five guys whom I find attractive"

It's late and I'm tired so I'm just gonna give you the pictures of them.

Bruce Willis, actor / snack

Steve Morse, lead guitarist of Deep Purple

Jeffree Star, singer and stunning trans / cunt

Blog challenge day 11

"Your family"

My family is really close. My mom and dad have been married for 25 years, and together for 35 years. They belong together, and non of them could ever imagine not having the other. They have so much love, that they brought two foster children into our family from when they were babies, even though they had my big sister and I. I couldn't imagine a better relationship than the one I have to my parents. We can talk about everything, because that's just the kind of people we are. We have so many jokes together, and a shared understanding.

My big sister and I are best friends and better. We can do everything together, and talk about everything and it is just wonderful. My two younger foster sisters are my babies. No matter how big they grow I still see them as little innocent children. The first one is 14 now, and I can't bare that she's growing up. The other one is 9 and she's half greenlander, and is the most beautiful little lovely girl in the world. She had a really hard time when I moved, and it took her weeks of crying herself to sleep in my mom's room, to get used to the fact that I didn't live at my parents anymore. That's a little bit about my family. (:

Blog challenge day 10

"Put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play"

So sorry about the delay on my last two blog challenges, here's the one from Monday!

1. Adam Lambert - Runnin'
2. Train (feat. Ashley Monroe) - Bruices
3. Papa Roach - Engage
4. Simple Plan - Thank You
5. Carpark North - Best Day
6. Mishka - Angels and Devils
7. The Darkness - Girlfriend
8. Hurts - Evelyn
9. Tracy Chapman - Fast Car
10. Retox Panic - Sound Of Steel

Blog challenge day 9

"How important you think education is"

I'M SORRY! I'm so sorry I'm behind on the blog challenge Christmas calendar. Here you have the one from Sunday!

Personally I think education is very important in our society, but that I think is because we've made it matter so much. My parents and grandparents doesn't have the sort of educations that we are getting, because it wasn't needed to get a job back when they were young.
I somehow think it is sad that it has become so important for our future well being. I mean, there should be something for everybody, because not everybody has the same feelings about studying for 5 years just to get a job they want.

I'm pretty relaxed about it, because I've been through so much through business college. I let it become everything, and when I lost it, I broke apart. Since then I've learned that it isn't necessarily as important as we make it seem. There is a chance for the ones who doesn't educate, and they can have good lives too. But society puts so much pressure on the youth, that we feel like we have to take a long education, even though many drop out sooner or later because it's hard. It's good to learn, but there are so much more to learn than what it says in the books. I think it is good to learn the basics, as long as you don't forget to live, because the things you learn from living life is just as important as what you can read your way to, if not more.

Blog challenge day 8

"What you ate today"

Today I was a fatass :-) I've had pasta with cream and cheese sauce, spinach, mushrooms and asparagus. Then I had 2 pancakes and some chrisps, and now I'm just getting drunk, cause I'm taking my lady out tonight. We're going to Club Christopher. Cya tomorrow for something a little more interesting :b

Blog challenge day 7

"Five pet peeves"

All right, I'd never heard that phrase before so let me explain; I looked up "pet peeves" in the beloved urban dictionary, and it said: "Stuff that people do that pisses you off". If that is true here it comes, if not - Please tell me!

Homophobia

If there is one thing that pisses me off, it is people going all homophobic while I'm present. I really can't see why people feel the need to bring others down because of their sexuality. Honestly I think that kind of disrespect is disgusting. People are people and love is love, and love can take all forms. I can't see what it is? Homosexuals are not wrong in any way, it's the homophobics that are wrong! Discriminating people and thinking they shouldn't have all the human rights that everyone else have, that's just too fucking wrong. Why can't we just let people be people? I'm pansexual. That means that I fall in love with a person, not the genitalia and gender of the person, but what is on the inside. I love my sexuality, because I don't discriminate anyone. Man, woman, transgender, I could still love you. So what's all this hate good for anyway? Besides I have so many gay friends, and I love them so much. One of my dearest friends is a lesbian, and the love that she and her girlfriend share is beautiful and pure, and I don't see how anyone could think wrong of that. I've been in love with girls before, and I've been in love with guys as well, does that make me wrong? Its love, so why are people hating?


People that ride their bikes in a pedestrian zone
There is a reason it is called a pedestrian zone, and that is not so that you can ride your fucking bike there. It's annoying for ALL the pedestrians there, and it just pisses me off, that people can respect that.



When people call me a punk

I am not a punk. Having piercings and stretches doesn't make me a punk. It's incredible how narrow-minded people are, how everything has to be put in a stereotypical box. I've been called a lot of things in my life, and I've always been the class rock-chick. I don't listen to whatever music everyone else listens to. I like rock, metal, punk, post-grunge and so forth, and because of that, I must be a punker. A punker was a style that was popular in the 80's, and if people knew what a punker really looked like, they would know that I am not one. I do not wear a lot of black makeup around my eyes, I do not have a long mohawk, and I don't wear back patches, so please hear me when I say I am not a punker. It is because of peoples lack of knowledge that this kind of misunderstandings find place. Pisses me off :-)

Racism
Get over yourself. Please just pull yourself together and accept the fact that the world can't be claimed, and that everyone should be able to come to your country if the conditions are better there. We are all human. Humans come in all sizes, shapes, colors and so on, and it pisses me off when people can't see that. Why is it so hard to accept that we are all the same? We are all alike. We might have different cultures, but there should be room enough for all of them right? And I CANNOT see the difference between a white person and a black person. If we bleed, is it not red? If we smile, do we not spread joy? Haven't we all got the right to live the life we've been given? All people have the same basics - we all have love and affection, so why is skintone so important? I live at Nørrebro in Copenhagen, which is the part of the city where most of the immigrants live, and I love living there. They meet so much hate from racism, that some of them get all surprised when you smile at them on the street. I do that cause no matter the language, we are all human and a smile always means the same. Spread the love right?

When people tell me; "stop touching your hair"

I have trichotillomania, and yes oh how people look at me in funny ways, because they really don't understand. But when my friends or family tells me to stop touching my hair, I get pissed. This is not something I just do because it's funny, it is an impulse control disorder, and I am doing everything I can already. I cut my hair short, and I was vulnerable - I flashed my bold spots, until the hair grew back, and that took courage, because it was EMBARRASSING! When people commented on it I wanted to bury myself alive with shame. I try, okay? There is no need to keep reminding me that this issue I have is freaky, weird, annoying or however the hell you can put it - So just shut up about it, it's non of your fucking business.

Blog challenge day 6

"Your views on mainstream music"

I consider mainstream music the stuff that everyone hears, that pleases the most ears. That in itself is a good thing, that this is what's being played on the radio. I don't listen to radio. I carry around my own music collection of the music I like on my iPhone and iPad, with over 3.300 tracks. Sometimes there is a song that I think is good on the radio, so I go get it for my iPhone.
But mostly my kind of music isn't mainstream. I really love hard rock music like Papa Roach, KISS and Crossfade. I'm also really much into different kinds of metal such as Linkin Park, Volbeat and Three Days Grace. I also have my female artists Lady GaGa, Sia, Evanescence and P!nk, and got some oldschool punk from The Offspring.

Honestly my genres are not music for evey taste, but I love it. So I'd much rather listen to my music than yours :b And all music is better on Vinyl of course, always!

Blog challenge day 5

"Things you want to say to an ex"

Alexander Jesper. We sort of got fixed up, and since we're both very flirty we started going out quickly. We didn't realize how different and wrong for each other we are. We are great as friends, and it's still nice to see you from time to time. But you're in VU (Venstres ungdom), and I can't even count all of the political discussions we've had, and many times I've told you to shut up about it, but it's just such a big part of you, that I can't take it. I'm a socialist, big time - and omg I don't even know how we lasted four months.
And besides that, it's hard to date a real ladies man. They were all over you all the time, and I don't like to share. I know you were faithful, but it's just not cool sitting at the other side of the country, knowing that your boyfriend is with his friends, whom most of happen to be good looking girls. Nah.

You're a great guy, and I'm glad you found a new beautiful girlfriend. Again-again-again :b
But no matter how great of a guy you are, I will always hate your grandfather because he tried to convert me into believing in god, and made me seem like a blasphemiest, he wouldn't let us sleep in the same room and I hated every second we spent at his house. Besides that, I hate that your father saw me completely naked while I was sleeping. Please always remember to return the shaver, for the sake of your future girlfriends.

Blog challenge day 4

"Bullet your whole day"

Today i woke up at 11pm and just I was just lying there for half an hour or so. I smoked a few cigarettes, and then I went and took a shower and put on makeup, body butter and made myself look hot. I decided that I couldn't bare to spend another night alone, so I packed my stuff and made the calls I should. I folded the laundry and started another machine full, and asked my brother in law to hang it up for me, so there is clean sheets for me when I get home <3 I called the Niels Broch office and was transferred further to a secretary, and she gave me the number to the guy I have to talk to. It was too late for today, but I'll call him tomorrow. I put on my new pants, new boots and my leather jacket, and headed for the bus. As usual it passed me the second I got out the door, but it was all right. I made it to the station and bought a chai latte, and had a cigarette before getting on the train. I read in my book most of the time, and got off in Fredericia where I had to change trains. I had a smoke and now I'm sitting in the last train, and I'm almost there. Alexander is gonna pick me up at the station. I surprised him by leaving him a message to see when he got off work an hour ago, saying that I was coming and spending the night. He was glad I did, and so am I. I'm gonna see him in a few minutes, and I just can't wait to be with him again, just for a little while <3 that was my day so far!

Update #2

I've been at my parents this weekend. Friday I was with my friend, and we had a nice evening together before she leaves for Australia. I'm glad I had the chance to say goodbye and give her, her Christmas present. It was a t-shirt, and she liked it. I'm glad.
Saturday evening I went to my friend's place an he made us dinner, and we just had a nice time together. We watched Date Night, one of my favorite comedies, and I finally got to see Ted. It was so awesome, I laughed so hard. It was great seeing him again.

I'm on the train on my way back to Copenhagen now. There is group therapy tomorrow, and after that I have a single session with my therapist. Tomorrow is the last day of group therapy for me. It's so sad, I'm gonna miss them so much! Amazing people. <3 Still have a few sessions left with my therapist, but I'll be done there before Christmas.
Tomorrow I am gonna call the one person in the world whom I hate the most. It's a challenge, but I want to do it. But I still hope he gets cancer and suffers a slow and painful death :-))) but enough about my feelings of vengeance. I won't be home until about 10 pm -.- I'm always home late. Tomorrow I'll be washing clothes all day, when I'm done with therapy. It's all in the laundry basket, so my drawers are empty. Bwaah. Cya guys. (:

Blog challenge day 3

"A book you love"

If there is a book that amazed me it has got to be The Suicide Club by Rhys Thomas. I love this book so much, it really spoke to me. It was so exiting, and I found my self yelling at my mom to shut up, because I couldn't read while she was talking. This book is a masterpiece. Rhys Thomas is a genius, and he deserves the biggest thank you for this book. 

The book is a about a high school boy, becoming friends with a new student in their class, Freddy. They become great buddies, and along with four other friends, these guys form a pact. They swear to remember that they are better than other people, and that people don't understand and so forth. Freddy writes this pact, that he named "the suicide club" and made everybody sign it. One of the guys in the group is really unstable and depressed, and on Freddy's first day of school, this guy also tried to kill himself by overdosing on aspirin in the back of the classroom in the middle of a class. These youngsters all become close friends, and they push away from everybody else. 

This book is my favorite of all time, and I'd rate it 5 out of 5 stars! 

Pages: 400

Year: 2010

Publisher: Black Swan
You can buy the Kindle version of this book right here, you won't regret it. 

Blog challenge day 2

"Something you feel strongly about"

LIFE

There are so many people out there feeling like life isn't worth living. I'm serious, SO many more than you'd think. And I know that, because I used to be one of these people. If you feel like that, read on and know that things can change. You can change. It took me years to change this, but holy fuck I'm glad I changed! When you feel this way, you don't see how things can change, how things can get better. But they can. You just have to change the way you think. The way you look at things, and judge! Change that! Stop judging.

Live now
Yesterday is in the past, and you can't change the past - so why bother? Observe and describe what's here and now. Throw the shit you carry on your back away, leave it in the past where it belongs, and don't think about it. Accept what ever happened and move on. It's not as hard moving on than you might think. See it as a big fat sack of shit that you're just dragging around behind you - do you really need the content of that sack? Do you really need all of those things, feelings, thoughts that bring you down? No! Accept that it happened, and don't judge yourself or others, and just put it in the past and move on to what is right now. The future doesn't have to be of worry either. Don't worry.