Pain without love

It's 02.15 AM

I'm still awake, and I am still numb. I have been numb for the last 20 hours.

I do not feel a thing. I think of everything that happened, and jet I still feel noting. Nothing at all.

A lot happened. Way too much. Good way to start my new year though - To get my head filled up with crap, bad words and more pain is always lovely.

In case you did not notice, that was irony.

I should be in my bed. Sleeping. I do not feel like it. I feel like.. Well, what the hell do I want? .... Nothing I guess. I feel like nothing. I guess you have to feel SOMETHING, to feel like doing something.

I want nothing. I don't wanna see nobody. I don't wanna hear anything.. not even music right now. I don't even wanna listen to the silence, but that is all that's left, when I do not want to listen to anything.

Silence..

Guess that's good right? Right.. I bet nobody in the country started this new year at bad as I did. I felt it all. Felt it burning in my chest. Felt the guilt, the pain, the suffer, the violence I put on other people. People I love. Just being here make others suffer. And not just ONE. Cause more happened that night. More. Like it wasn't enough, I had to be torn apart inside from other things too.

And now... I can't tell anyone. I can't tell anybody about my feelings, my experiences from that night, my broken heart and my broken soul. Nobody. Really. You'd think I always would have someone to talk to, but right now, I have not.

I figured.. that since I have no happiness in my life at all, my share of the world happiness must have gone to someone else. Well, at least that's what I hope. Cause just because I can't be happy, doesn't mean others can't get that little extra happiness, that should have gone to me.

You don't get it. You simply do not get it. You think you know it all, but you know nothing. Just get it.